My Dreams Turned Black
by Wyoming Outlaw
Summary: As the events unfold around him that will culminate in a future foretold, Dietrich struggles to live up to the destiny which will bring him to Africa and face to face with the Rat Patrol. Deciding his own fate, Dietrich chooses a difficult path to the realization of his dream to become a soldier.
1. Prologue – 13 Juli 1934 (anbruch)

**'Tis midnight now. The bend and broken moon,  
Batter'd and black, as from a thousand battles,  
Hangs silent on the purple walls of Heaven.  
** _\- Joaquin Miller_

Her words were still ringing in my ears. No, I had never asked for this, no, I did not want it.

I staggered outside from the small shop in Benghazi. I wanted to desperately find my way back to the bar, but I had no strength to move far. I wasn't tight, mind you, it was not as if I was staggering about it a drunken stupor. In fact, I was completely stone cold sober. She had seen to that in less than an hour. The drunkenness would come later, after I had reached the bar, when I needed to force aside the reality of the future.

Even though I felt the critical need to return to the bar to confirm if my fate had already been set in motion, I stopped to rest in a narrow alleyway. My head felt feverish, spinning with unanswered questions. Dizzy, I leaned against the wall for support. The clay bricks, while still warm from the heat of the day, felt cool and comforting against my burning face.

I closed my eyes, unsuccessfully trying to blot from my memory what she had foretold:

Germany would lose the upcoming war and at a high price. I would be engulfed in Germany's fruitless struggle and consumed by its agonizing defeat.

My fellow warriors would all fall on the battlefield: Christoph, Kurt, Albrecht and finally, Ellery. Why I would be left standing alone from my small circle was another riddle I would never know its answer. I surmised Matthias would survive due to the lucky chance of breaking a leg and being unable to accompany us on our trip. I gave a bitter laugh at this thought. Matthias was always the one to cheat the hangman and pick his pocket neatly while doing so.

As to my condition after surviving the war, and Germany's for that matter, they were an unknown. Only the future would provide me those answers. What would I witness when I returned home? Would my family and home still exist? Or, would I be the reincarnation of my father, living the same post-war life that I had so callously derided?

And then there was the American of which she had spoken. Who was he and what impact would he have in my life?

I had overcome and matured greatly during the last difficult months. I had managed to pull myself from the abyss and dare to have dreams again, but everything I had accomplished over the last four years would now be turned into black nothingness. Now, none of it mattered. Foolishly, I had thought that I was securing my future with my hard word at the Academy. I had been naively mistaken.

The alley was quiet and gave me the privacy to remember the previous nine months.


	2. 16 Oktober 1933

The man was ancient, his hair completely white with unruly tufts sticking out at odd angles. He was perpetually stooped over, staring into books and scattered papers. This caused him to be always fuddling with his pince-nez glasses, taking them off, placing them back on, and the chain becoming entangled as he constantly handled them. He would then stop to untangle it, completely interrupting the lecture's flow.

Professor Janning was beyond a doubt the worst professor that I ever had the misfortune to have in my entire academic career. And to think, I had once enjoyed chemistry. At his hands, my enjoyment had quickly turned into suffering. Without a doubt, his class was the worst hour of my academic day. And as was made obvious by the clock watching, the jaw- cracking yawns, and the eyes turned heavenward in silent please for reprieve, I was not alone in feeling that way. It was a misery that my classmates and I shared.

To compound the suffering, he was a horrible lecturer. Janning had a monotone voice which if bottled it, would have made him a fortune as a sleeping tonic. It certainly did not help that Janning read verbatim from the text, with the students attempting to follow along through our acute boredom. One could always tell where the end of a page was reached, because the lecture hall was filled with the sound of textbook pages turning at same time.

Janning's class would not have been as painful per his scheduled experiments. They would have broken up the monotony if they had been performed correctly. He would generally perform one or two experiments a week, but none of them had been executed according to plan. Janning would stand there befuddled, not quite understanding what had happened. Or more precisely, what had not happened.

After I had looked at the clock for what must have been at least the millionth time, the class blissfully ended. We gradually rose to our feet and shuffled out, as if dead lice were falling from us.

I met up with my friends and together we slowly walked to an area where we could smoke unnoticed. As if on cue, we all whipped out our cigarettes and lit them frantically, pulling deeply on them, hoping for the nicotine hit to awaken us.

"My God, that was painful," moaned Matthias. He had already finished his first cigarette and was lighting a second. "Janning was in rare form today. Worse than normal if that is even possible."

"What are you complaining about?" Ellery retorted. "You were snoring through most of it."

I looked at Matthias in envy. So he was the lucky soul who had escaped into oblivion, if only for this afternoon.  
"I was?" He looked surprised as he shook his head. "For the life of me I can't remember a thing. Not good for me, though. I won't be able to sleep at all tonight and then I'll be all that much more tired for his lecture tomorrow. Makes for a doomed never ending cycle, I tell you."

"I know why we are required to take this class," commented Kurt. We all looked at him expectantly, as if he had a major revelation of life to reveal. "It's to get us accustomed to torture in case we're captured by a future enemy. Either that or to teach us how to torture the enemy." We all looked at him dumbfounded, too numb to laugh.

"No one could possibly be that cruel to inflict that type of punishment on any enemy," retorted Albrecht.

We walked in silence, slowly beginning to wake up. Supper was still over an hour away. Normally, I would use the free time to study, but today I knew it would be a folly to attempt any academic pursuits. As my mind cleared, a spark of an idea came to life. I suddenly stopped walking, and turned to face my friends.

"Gentlemen, we really should do something to assist the good professor, don't you agree?" They looked at me strangely.

"What are you babbling about, Hans?" mumbled Ellery.

"Exactly what I said: Janning needs our assistance. I believe it is our responsibility to do something. In fact, we would be lax if we did nothing like the other obviously uncaring students. By helping Janning, we will be helping ourselves. Have you stopped to analyze why the class is so boring?" I paused for a response, but received only blank stares in return.

"The reason why Janning's classes are so monotonous is because there is no variation to them. Janning reads verbatim from the text, repeats the same dull jokes and fails at his experiments."

Ellery nodded slowly. "He fails at every experiment."

"Yes, every one. However, while we are unable to alter his lecturing style and his awful jokes, we do possess the capability to impact his experiments."

I could see them begin to comprehend my suggestion. Slow grins began to appear across their faces.

"You mean to…?"

"Precisely," I nodded. "We are going to assist the professor so that one of his experiments will finally be successful. He and the other students would no doubt thank us for stepping in and taking control of this dismal situation. I predict that it will also build up Janning's confidence. Perhaps he will begin succeeding in the future on his own without our assistance"

"I think it would be best if we left well enough alone. What if something goes wrong? I mean, it could be dangerous." Ellery looked and sounded hesitant. He looked around at the rest of the group for support.

He found little. The others were looking at me with more interest than they had ever shown in one of Janning's monotone lectures.

"Ellery, you are too cautious and practical," I snorted. "We certainly couldn't do any worse than the professor. He will have already set up the experiment before he leaves for the evening. The experiment is clearly defined in the textbook. We merely need to adjust his measurements to ensure it matches."

"And how, pray tell me, are we to do this?"

"I do believe I hear a faint touch of doubt in your voice, Christoph, but I will humor you. We will enter the class and the adjacent storeroom after lights out, make the adjustments and return to our quarters. I estimate it will take less than an hour for us to accomplish our mission."

"What do you mean 'we'? Do you have a mouse in your pocket? Are you already assuming we will accompany you?"

"I have no qualms about proceeding on my own if none of you have the fortitude to follow me. But I also will not share any of the accolades when the reality leaks outs to our fellow students."

"It's easy for you to be so bold, Hans. You have a powerful father to step in to save your ass if this blows up in a disaster."

"As you are fully aware, my father and I are barely on speaking terms with each other, Ellery," I replied coolly. "I would never ask him for assistance nor will I ever need it." I was becoming bored of their excuses and lack of enthusiasm. "Now are you gentlemen with me or not? I hold no hard feelings if any of you decide not to participate."

"Well, I'm definitely in," agreed the fun loving Matthias. "I wouldn't miss this opportunity for the world."

I wasn't surprised at his immediate participation. If anything, he would be leading the charge for the event.

The other three looked at Matthias and finally also gave their reluctant nods of assent.

"Good." I smiled in satisfaction and motioned for them all to gather closer as I outlined my plan. "We will meet under the window of the lecture hall. The latch to the lower window is broken. All of us should easily be able to fit through it. Once we gain entrance to the lecture hall, the storeroom will not be an issue. There is no lock on the door. Then it will very straightforward to…"

"What are the five of you scheming about so secretly? May I join whatever you have brewing?"

I whirled around, startled to hear the smug voice of Wilhelm Meyer so close behind me. He did not share the chemistry class with us, but must have spotted us huddled together and wondered what we were discussing.

We needed to get rid of Meyer, and quickly.

"Our conversation is no concern of yours, Meyer. Now leave us." He didn't move an inch.

"Always so high and mighty, Dietrich, like the world owes you a living and everyone is at your beck and call to follow through on your orders. That's fine. I know when I'm not wanted. I'll be on my way."

Meyer turned haughtily on his heel and left.

I couldn't help but notice the jauntiness of his step as he walked away.

Of all the cadets at the Academy, it was unfortunate that it was Meyer who had interrupted us while we were plotting. Other than a surprising overture to me for friendship in our first year, which I had rebuffed, Meyer had never attempted to hide the fact that he held me, my father's influence, and my family's position in disdain. I had never liked Meyer, and I trusted him even less. I knew that he felt the same about me.

I never would have spoken a word about my plan if I had known he was anywhere in the vicinity.

Meyer had become a very risky wild card in our plan, one which could prove to be dangerous. There was a growing part of me which was beginning to believe my scheme was not a very good idea. I pushed that doubt aside as I did not want to appear weak in front of my friends.


	3. 17 Oktober 1933

Everything had gone according to plan. In fact, I thought it had almost been too easy. We had met underneath Janning's lecture hall window soon after lights out. There was little danger of being reprimanded if discovered out of our rooms this time of night. A blind eye was frequently given to graduating seniors on weeknights who "strayed" after hours.

The window's latch was indeed broken. It was not difficult for us to slip into the darkened lecture hall and make our way to the storeroom. Except for Albrecht tripping over a stool and appearing to make a racket that seemed much louder than it actually was, there had been no complications.

My original plan was to merely increase the quantity of some of the chemicals to ensure Janning's success. After quickly examining the professor's work, I put that idea aside. Janning had, as usual, completely botched the experiment. Not only were the chemicals measured in the wrong amounts, he was completely missing a necessary catalyst. If this was an example of his work, it was no wonder none of the experiments had worked.

Indeed, I had marveled, it was a miracle that Janning hadn't killed himself, and half of his class in the meantime.

I discarded his work and began it anew. It took me less than a half-hour to prep it and return the containers to their places, returning the storeroom to how we had found it. I double checked to ensure nothing was out of place or that we had left anything behind. Afterwards, we returned silently to our rooms, none of us saying a word.

And now, I sat in front of my handiwork, waiting to come to life.

The suspense was killing me.

I made it a point to avoid eye contact with Matthias. There was a part of me that wished that the other students were aware of the prank. This really was too clever for them not to be in on such a momentous event. I wondered who would be more surprised when the experiment finally succeeded as planned: The unsuspecting professor or the shocked students.

Janning was beginning to conclude his lecture, and I could feel my anticipation beginning to intensify. Finally, he ended reading from the textbook and closed it with a finality. He then began giving an overview of the experiment and what for to expect, of which reactions to take note.

The moment finally arrived. I was leaning forward, tense with anticipation. I couldn't remember waiting for something so eagerly. I held my breath waiting for him to light the flame to the base.

A tremendous explosion occurred when he did so.

I could feel the explosion's heat even from where I sat. A few students sitting near the front were thrown from their seats. The room instantly filled with a dark, acrid smoke. A quick thinking student sitting in the first row grabbed the sand bucket and threw the contents on the small, but rapidly growing fire. Another student whipped off his tunic and used it to smother the flames rapidly consuming the professor's lab coat.

The rest of us sat there in stunned silence before instinct took over and we immediately evacuated, rushing through the door. The emergency personnel soon began arriving. I tried to avoid looking at my co-conspirators as we quickly filed out, but I caught their stunned and worried looks.

My classmates were gathering into groups, watching and discussing the event unfold. Other students and professors joined them, trying to understand what had happened. My friends and I stood off to the side, shocked at the tragic turn of events.

"My God, Hans! What happened?" hissed Ellery when it was safe to do so. "You assured us you knew what you were doing. You almost blew up the building."

"It did not go according to plan. Something went wrong." They were the only words I could manage to stammer out.

"That's it? That's all you have to say? That is fairly obvious, don't you think? Janning could have been killed, as could have someone else!"

"Janning must have altered the experiment again this morning. I made no mistakes. I'm positive I measured correctly according to the textbook. It was a simple and straightforward procedure, even a child could perform it."

"Whenever anyone says 'even a child could do this' then you know it's not that simple," countered Christoph, immediately jumping into the barrage against me.

"It doesn't really matter, Hans, about its simplicity," pressed Albrecht. "The end result is the same: An unmitigated disaster. Did you see the hole in the ceiling? And not to mention the fire and smoke damage to the walls and the lab table. And poor Professor Janning! He must have at least second or third degree burns on his arms!"

"I knew this was a bad idea, Hans. The entire situation is fucked up. Now it's only a matter time before they figure out the ones behind it. What if we get caught?" added Kurt.

"Perhaps they will believe that it was the professor's own ineptitude which finally caught up with him. We will not be caught," I said firmly. I knew my words were more to convince me than for their sake.

"You don't have the power to make such a promise, Hans, but I will hold you to it for the rest of us. If the Kommandant does discover that you are the mastermind behind this prank, I'm holding you not to inform on the rest of us."

"I would never betray on any of you. You insult me by believing that I would," I replied coolly to Albrecht.

I surveyed the scene. Calm was beginning to settle around us, the crowds starting to thin. "There's nothing else to be done at this point. It would be best if we also dispersed and not seen together in the near future. We shouldn't draw attention to ourselves." We left, each going in a separate direction.

It was later that evening when the door to my room suddenly opened and Matthias boldly walked in.

"Isn't it customary to knock before entering?" I asked in a slightly slurred voice. I had had a few brandies, needing to calm my nerves and blot out the day.

"I never knocked before and you never said anything."

"I am now. It isn't wise for you to be here, Matthias."

"I'm always in here. It would be strange for me _no_ t to be in your room. Anyway, it is what it is. None of us can change what happened this afternoon, including you."

"You're right, but it shouldn't have happened the way it did." I was feeling a tremendous level of guilt and responsibility for the disastrous results against Janning.

"Well, at least now I know you're not perfect, that even you can make mistakes. At times I didn't think you were human. Everything was just so, nothing out of place, you were forever right, always the arrogant ass."

"Why don't you go piss up a rain pipe, Matthias?" I made an obscene gesture towards him.

"Well, I definitely have the equipment for the job!" His grin quickly faded away and he became serious again.

"Okay, the prank went wrong and you were the mastermind behind it. No one has caught us. We're are still here, aren't we? It could be a lot worse. You could already be expelled for the event. At times, I think you really want to be expelled from here. It certainly would make things easy for you. Take away from you having to make that decision. If you can't handle it here, you should go do something else."

"And what options would you suggest, Matthias?"

"How should I know? It's your life, not mine. It's not like you can't afford to do something else. You're one of the wealthier students…"

"As my father has so kindly pointed out on numerous occasions, I have no money. I am poor and my parents are rich. All the family funds are in my parents' names." My personal trust fund from my grandparents would not mature until I was thirty. While my parents had been very generous with a monthly stipend, I was fully aware the source of my income. I enjoyed a lifestyle which few could enjoy during these difficult times, but it certainly wasn't a result of my own doing.

"If you have no money, why don't you go earn your own like the rest of us will have to?"

Despite my brotherly love for the man that stood before me, I felt my hackles rising.

"You're overstepping the boundaries of our friendship, Walther," I warned.

"My, that's rather formal, isn't it, Dietrich? Calling me by family name."

I didn't bother responding. There seemed little point and regardless of what Matthias' intention was, I did not want to say anything, from either out of anger or alcohol, which could potentially damage our friendship.

"Look, everyone knows you're only here because of your old man and family tradition of serving in the military. If you don't want to do it, then be a man and don't serve, walk away from it. There's someone out there who does want your spot. Give them the chance."

I raised an eyebrow.

He wasn't finished attacking me.

"Hans, why did you do this?" he continued.

"Do what? What are you asking about?"

"What do you think I'm asking about?" He looked at me incredulously. "Why did you want to alter Janning's experiment?"

"You were a willing participant. I didn't need to twist your arm, or any of the others, to join me."

"Of course I was a willing participant. I would do it again, too. But that's not what I'm asking. Why did you think up this prank? I really don't think it was to boost Janning's confidence or to provide a little excitement to the rest of us in an extremely boring class. You might have said this to convince the others, but I don't believe it was the real reason. We've been friends for too long for me not realize there was something else behind it."

"If you know so much about me, then why don't you tell me?" I narrowed my eyes and waited.

"Because I want to hear it from you: Why did you do this?"

I struggled internally with his question. A part of me, a big part I was forced to admit, wanted to tell him to leave so I could entirely avoid the conversation. But I knew, I would only be lying to myself.

Reluctantly, I finally answered him honestly.

"I am bored with being here at the Academy and I was looking for a little excitement. I wanted to see if I could accomplish it without being caught. Honestly, I had thought of doing it for quite some time. I had no idea it would turn out to be such a disaster, especially for Janning."

Matthias' eyes were understanding when he nodded. "Of course not, Hans. I don't believe for an instant that that was your intention."

"I had not anticipated failing. I never should have taken the risk when there was no actual return except creating a danger to others. If I could, I would have denied my egotistical desires. Or at least, I would have acted on my own without involving the rest of you."

"That's what I thought you would say, Hans. I thought from the beginning it was really about you and nothing about helping Janning. You wanted an audience, not co-conspirators." He started to leave, but paused at the door before opening it, looking at me intently.

"You know, Hans, I still would have participated in this if you had told us this from the beginning. In fact, I like this reason better than the one you originally gave us. It at least has some thought and some honesty behind it." Matthias stood there with his customary grin on his face.

I could barely return anything that even remotely resembled a grin.

"Anyway, I'm off. We can only wait to see what happens."


	4. 18 Oktober 1933

I was leery when the Kommandant's adjutant caught up with me when I was walking to my second class of the day. Karl Riegel stopped me with a light hand on my arm, preventing me from entering the lecture hall.

I knew of only one reason why Riegel could possibly be here, looking for me. He soon confirmed my worst thoughts.

"Dietrich, the Kommandant is requesting your presence. He would like to see you in his office."

"May I ask what the reason for the Kommandant's summons? It is not often that I'm given such an honor." There was a slight note of sarcasm in my voice that I couldn't suppress. I had actually been called to meet the Kommandant several times over the last three years for various demerits and missteps. I also had been called there for numerous commendations I had earned. However, I had never been pulled from class for either reason.

There could only be one reason why the Kommandant was so insistent to see me now. I tried to suppress it, but there was a small edge of uneasiness growing in the bottom of my stomach. It must be due to the prank.

It had been less than a day since Janning, with my help, had nearly blown himself sky high. I started to ask Riegel if anyone else would be accompanying us, but immediately stopped myself. I would find out soon enough if the others were also implicated. There was no need to ask the question and potentially implicate them all myself.

I decided to bluff to give me a few precious moments to think.

"I have class," I said, turning to leave. "I will stop by his office before dinner. He normally prefers to see me at that time."

"The Kommandant was very insistent that I was to find you and escort you to him immediately. I was instructed not to accept no for an answer."

A part of me wanted to ignore the obvious order, but I didn't dare take such an action. I had no valid reason to refuse the order and by doing so, would only confirm my guilt. I was already in a difficult situation and shouldn't foolishly compound it. I also knew that it was equally foolish to postpone the inevitable.

"As you wish," I said simply. "Riegel, you did not answer my initial question: What is this is regarding?"

"I have no idea." Riegel shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. I studied his face, but was unable to determine if he knew more. "I was just ordered to bring you to his office. No doubt you will find out soon enough."

I walked at a normal speed although my heart was beginning to race. I reached for my cigarettes and placed one between my lips. The nicotine would help calm my nerves. Just as I was about to light it, Riegel stopped me.

"Dietrich, do you think it wise to smoke now? I mean, you're obviously in serious trouble for what you did. You might not want to aggravate the situation any further."

I stopped abruptly to look at him fiercely. He had now confirmed my suspicions.

"You mentioned just a moment ago that you didn't know the reason for my summons. Now you're informing me that I'm in serious trouble. Which is it, Riegel?"

Obviously caught in a lie, Riegel's face rapidly flushed.

I let it pass. "That's fine, Riegel. I will not mention it to the Kommandant that you inadvertently informed me. Let us proceed to get this over with." I returned the cigarettes to my pocket. I was now beyond needing them.

I placed my hands behind my back and walked briskly to the Kommandant's office, Riegel trying his best to keep up with me. He saw me to the office door and gently knocked on it. It was only when the Kommandant said "enter" did Riegel turn to leave.

"Good luck, Dietrich. I wish you my best," he said sincerely. "If it's any consolation, I don't think you meant any harm."

I took a deep breath and then walked boldly into the office.

I had no warm feelings for the Kommandant. I had known him since I was a child through his close friendship with my father. I always thought him serious and dour, a condition which seemed to only intensify over the years.

Before I had met him, I sincerely had believed that no one could be more stodgy and ancient than my father, but the Kommandant was worse.

My sister, Liesl, had nicknamed him Ebenezer Scrooge since the Kommandant's name was Eberhardt Schnass. He did resemble the classical depiction of Scrooge, with his tall stooped frame and bitter countenance towards the world. When he visited our estate, Liesl could hardly wait to drape herself with a sheet and pretend to be one of the ghosts from the tale. She would solemnly walk with her arms upstretched over her head plaintively calling out, "Ebenezeeeeeer Scroooooooge," before ghoulishly switching to "Eberhardttttttt Schnasssssssss! I want your soul!"

I myself thought he looked like a tall, ancient scavenger bird with his sharp nose. Schnass always appeared to be just waiting to swoop down on the weak or the dead, to pick them clean of what little dignity or life they had remaining.

When I was ten, I bluntly asked my mother why he was as bitter as vinegar, more sour than a lemon. It was incomprehensible to me for someone to be so completely unhappy about everything in life.

Her face softened as she explained to me his situation. "You see, Hans, Herr Schnass has had some very sad and difficult moments in his life. When he was fighting in the World War with your father, his lovely wife Mathilde died giving birth to their daughter. To make the situation even more tragic, the child also perished.

"He wasn't informed of his double loss until days later when word finally reached him at the front. Of course, he was unable to attend the funeral and never had the opportunity to say his final goodbyes to them." She topped to think for a moment before continuing. "I don't believe he was ever able to overcome such a tragic double loss. It was one thing for him to face death at the front, it was another for it to come and visit his home."

I looked hard at my mother, trying to comprehend her words. I could not. Those were the days when I knew little about romantic love and even less about death.

My mother shook her head and took my hands. "Oh, Hans. You must believe me that he wasn't always like his current state. He was so very dashing and handsome, a magnet for the ladies. I remember him laughing and dancing, being so full of life. The joy of life left him when his lost them."

It was hard for me to believe that Schnass could even laugh, let alone dance with anything except a dressmaker's mannequin for a partner. My mother must have noticed my reaction because she kindly added, "You will understand one day, Hans, when you fall in love with a special young lady. You will deeply desire to spend the rest of your life with her and to have a family with her. All of your lives will become one. The loss of a spouse and a child leave an emptiness that can never be filled."

No, I didn't understand at that moment what she was explaining to me. I was still at the "ick" factor when it came to girls. I wanted nothing to do with them, let alone marry them and even ickier, have children with them.

My mother's hands went gently to her swollen midsection, lovingly feeling the child growing inside of her. I knew her thoughts had shifted to her own unborn child.

"Will the baby be a boy, mother?" I had asked eagerly. I had always wanted a brother for a playmate although I realized that I would be quite a bit older than him. Liesl was a good substitute for a brother, but she still wasn't the same.

"Yes." Her answer was simple and all knowing, as only a mother's could be.

It wasn't until my brother, Joachim, was still born three months later did I understand a significant part of the Kommandant's loss. During the following tragic days, my thoughts often returned to what my mother had confided in me regarding Schnass' personal tragedy.

The loss of my brother was the first time I had experienced death in my young life. Until that moment, I had thought that I would live forever. But if God could claim the life of an innocent child, then anyone could also be called to heaven when He so chose. I had quickly realized that someday I would die, along with my parents, my sister and all those around me.

I would always remember my father weeping over the loss of my brother and the near death of my mother. I had thought of my father as so strong that nothing could break him. It unnerved me to see his display of utter grief. Although my mother eventually recovered, my parents were never blessed with another child.

I firmly believed my father never got over the loss of his second son and had transferred two son's worth of dreams and hopes over to me.

My attention returned to Schnass sitting in front of me. The man had a face that he purposely always kept blank so no one could read his inner most thoughts. I could remember seeing Schnass smile only once in the entire time I had known him. He had won a rather large sum of money playing poker against my father. It was only then that Schnass allowed himself the indulgence of a slight grin, a grin that I found unnerving in its cleverness.

Schnass certainly was not smiling now as I came to attention in front of him. He wasted no time in addressing me.

"Do you know why you are here, Dietrich?"

"I was summoned to be here, Sir," I responded. I knew. Oh, yes I knew why, but I wanted to stall the inevitable. While I had been apprehended, I was not ready to face the consequences for my actions. I prayed that the reason that I stood before Schnass might to be the alcohol in my quarters, leaving the grounds unauthorized at night for a rendezvous, or any number of any unpunished transgressions which I had committed and avoided punishment. Anything, but for the actual reason I knew it to be.

"Apparently, your intelligence has forsaken you only to be replaced by cheekiness, Dietrich. I will humor you for the moment. Let me be more precise in my question: Do you know the reason why you were summoned to my office?"

"No, Sir." I flatly lied. "Although, I believe you will inform me momentarily."

"That's enough, Dietrich," he said sharply. "You are in no position to speak in such a bold manner. It is this type of rashness which has continually led you to be summoned to this office."

Schnass continued to keep me waiting, holding his position of authority over me. He sat there looking at me intently, his hands forming a steeple as if he was contemplating an intense theoretical puzzle. I could feel the tension quickly mounting in the room matching my increasing pulse.

I forced myself to remain calm, willing my breath and pulse to slow, not making eye contact with him. To focus myself, I proceeded to slowly count the number of books on the shelf behind the Kommandant. I had reached thirteen when he finally broke the silence.

"I will presently inform you the reason why I summoned you here. But first, I have a question: Does this belong to you?" He gestured down. I glanced as directed to his neat desk. In the middle of it, there was a dirty white handkerchief contrasting sharply against the dark polished wood. There was no mistaking the monogram with its strong "D" flanked by a smaller "H" and "E" in an elegantly embroidered dark gray script.

"Yes, Sir, it does." I couldn't stop myself from looking at him with a puzzled expression. "But I don't understand…how did you…"

"How did I come to have possession of it?" Schnass interrupted me. He let the question rest for a moment before continuing. "Your handkerchief was found in the chemical storeroom adjacent to Professor Janning's lecture hall." I was shocked and my eyes immediately locked with his.

"But…That's not possible."

"Oh? Any why not? You just admitted that the handkerchief is yours. Logic reasons that you also must have been in the storeroom and left it there."

My mind was racing. I could not find fault in his syllogism. I had already admitted ownership of the handkerchief and it had been found in the storeroom. How could I now possibly deny the deed against Janning? What other explanation could there be to Schnass? I was at a loss myself to explain how my handkerchief was found in the storeroom. I knew for a fact I could not possibly have lost it there. It was not even in my possession that evening.

"If not, pray tell me another possibility, Dietrich," Schnass urged.

The handkerchief was one embroidered by my mother and I carried it only for dress occasions. The last time I had it with me was at the academy's cotillion in the late summer, shortly before the autumn term had commenced.

I had given it to a young woman, Krystyna, that evening. Not for any romantic or gallant reasons, mind you. No, it was because she was weeping, and I was the cause of her grief.

I had been introduced to Krystyna at a social event in the early spring by one of the Academy's elderly female patron's.

Krystyna was from a once prominent banking family which had fallen on difficult times. Her father had died at the height of the financial crisis almost a decade ago. Some said he died by a stress induced heart attack, others had said that he had perished by his own hand, a stress induced suicide.

After his death, Krystyna and her mother had had few options except to move in with a relative. While the drop in her social status meant little, if anything, to me, I always had the nagging suspicion that mine meant everything to her. A strong part of me believed Krystyna was dreaming that it would be through me she would regain her family's once prominent status.

For the last few months she had begun to use the "L" word, a word that I did not reciprocate to her. We had been seeing each other steadily, but nothing near serious enough for the "L" word in my opinion. While I was fond of her, I did not love her and I knew that I never would.

In addition to using the "L" word, Krystyna also began to push me for a more serious commitment. At first she was subtle before becoming more forward as the weeks passed. I kept deflecting the topic. At my young age, I was not ready to commit to her or any other woman, for that matter. I had not even completed my education let alone become established in the military.

When the topic did not change, I began to realize that it was time for me to begin extraditing myself from this relationship. I attempted to gradually distance myself from her, not seeing her as frequently. In hindsight, I was a coward. I should have ended it quickly so as not to prolong the situation for either of us.

I had only escorted her to the cotillion since I had asked her a few months earlier and believed I should honor my invitation to her. Krystyna, unfortunately, had misread my invitation to mean something more than what I had intended.

I can honestly say it was one of the longest nights of my young life. I had thought that the cotillion would never end.

I found myself continually looking at my watch, calculating the earliest I could respectfully return her home. I drank way too much champagne and spent most of the evening discreetly looking at the other young women, wishing one of them was with me for my final academy cotillion. Krystyna was completely oblivious to my boorish actions. She was so gay and happy on my arm, enjoying the event, believing I was completely focused on her.

Throughout the evening Krystyna never left my side, a permanent fixture hanging on my arm. She did not even leave me to congregate in small groups with the other young ladies. When the time neared midnight, she had begged to speak with me outside. She had something important to tell me and needed to do so in private.

I reluctantly followed her outside. I was hoping that whatever Krystyna wanted to share with me would only take a few moments at the most. Then, after her important message, since we were no longer actually at the cotillion, I began thinking that this would present a good opportunity to leave the event. I allowed her to pull me to a gazebo located nearby in a quiet area among the trees.

We sat on the long benches, the steady cool breeze blowing through the structure. I faced her and I could not help but notice how her eyes were bright and sparkling in the cool summer air. There was an excitement shimmering about her that I will never forget.

Despite myself, I could not help but give her a smile at the enthusiasm she was showing. "Krystyna, what is it you wish you tell me?"

"Hans! Do you know what will happen at midnight?" I quickly raced through various thoughts and could not think of anything significant although my brain was working slower due to the champagne's impact.

"No," I replied slowly. As charmed as I was by her at that moment, I began to feel suspicious.

"Several of the final year cadets will be announcing their engagements at midnight!"

I could only roll my eyes in exasperation. Was this the big secret she wanted to tell me? Surly she would know that after four years at the Academy, that I was familiar with the tradition. I even had a few friends who were in this unfortunate category whom I attempted to talk out of their young folly with no success.

"Yes, I am aware of the tradition." I was now completely suspicious. I did not care for the direction her conversation was heading.

She took my hand in hers and raised it to her cheek.

"I would love to have our names announced at this special time."

"What are you suggesting, Krystyna?" I was becoming irritated with her and with the evening. I just wanted to leave the event and go to bed.

"You silly! Acting so coy and elusive." She must have noticed my blank face because she began speaking more boldly. "I would love for us to become engaged. We can marry in the spring, immediately following your graduation. We can marry in the academy's chapel. Oh! It will be so romantic and you'll look so dashing in your uniform. There is more than enough time to prepare for our wedding."

I immediately became stone cold sober, the impact of the frequent quaffs of champagne dissipating from my system. I could not stop myself from instantly snatching my hand from hers and standing up, turning my back towards her as I quickly went to the opposite side of the gazebo. I fumbled for my cigarettes, desperately lighting one and taking a deep drag.

I was flabbergasted at her suggestion. In my mind, I had never once given her the impression or hope of marriage between us. No, she was the one who had been mentioning for months about looking forward to meeting my family, talking about the future together, etc. Topics, I had neatly avoided. In hindsight, I had not avoided them as neatly as I should have.

I knew it was necessary for me to quickly dispel her girlish dream. I spoke to her still looking away, not able to face her directly. I finally was able to stammer out a response.

"Krystyna, you cannot be serious. I am only twenty-one; I am far too young to be married, as are you. I have not even graduated yet. Besides, it is required for a cadet to be unmarried."

I was confident this final point would logically put this nonsensical issue to rest. Krystyna neatly parried it.

"We can elope! No one has to know except us, not even our parents." My back stiffened at her suggestion.

" _I_ would know and it would be against the oath I swore when I accepted my position."

I could hear her begin to snuffle, the tears beginning to form. I struggled to soften the difficult situation with her.

"My immediate future is to graduate and then establish myself in my career. It is only after that I can even remotely consider committing myself to any woman. I have nothing to offer you at this time." It was only when she actually burst into tears did I turn to face her.

"You'll be almost twenty-two when you graduate," her voice breaking between the sobs. "You don't really need a career, do you? How necessary can it be? Your family is certainly wealthy enough to support us. As the only son you will no doubt inherit the majority, if not all, of your family's estate."

"I do not desire nor expect my family to support me financially. I also would never assume I would inherit anything from my parents. My family's wealth is theirs to do with as they please." I could hear the coolness in my voice. Krystyna did not realize what dangerous ground she was treading upon when it came to me and my estranged family

Her tears were beginning to impact me. I knew I should not allow it, but they were.

Krystyna's devastated face magnified the sincerity of her tears and I found myself not knowing what to do or to say. I had the desire, but not the ability to cease her tears. It was impossible for me to give her what she wanted and craved so dearly.

The only thing I could think of was to offer her my handkerchief and wait for the crying episode to cease.

Krystyna silently accepted my handkerchief. She used it to dab at her tear stained face and smudged makeup, attempting to make herself presentable. We sat there in silence as she composed herself.

"I understand, Hans, and I'm willing to wait until you are ready." Her voice was tight and broken. With an effort, she restrained herself from crying further.

I needed to end the difficult situation. My stiff, high collar seemed suddenly tight around my throat. I unsuccessfully attempted to widen it by pulling at it with my fingers before I was able to speak again.

"I can't…I cannot marry you, Krystyna. I do not love you. I have no intention of marrying you in the spring or anytime in the future. Not even after I join the military and my career is launched. To give you any false hope would be unfair to the both of us.

"I never had the intention to mislead you. If I have, I am truly sorry and ask for your forgiveness." Her crying immediately resumed, her sobs increasing in intensity and I was fearful someone would hear.

"But I love you so much and would make such a good wife to you."

There was nothing else I could say as I looked into her reddened eyes. I would not, and could not say the words she wanted to hear. Instead, I said, "But I would not make a good husband for you."

"Is there…someone else?" Krystyna asked hesitantly.

"No, there is no other woman, and there will not be for the foreseeable future."

She still was unable to let go of her fantasy. Her next words showed that she was willing to double-down, to increase her bet in the hope of winning the game out of desperation.

"I am willing to do…anything to keep you until you are ready for us to be together." Krystyna looked into my eyes frankly and put her hand on my thigh, lightly caressing it in a seductive way. There was no mistaking what she was alluding to with the "anything".

I immediately dismissed her suggestion in my mind. If the circumstances had been different or if she had been one of the other type of girls I had known, I would have immediately accepted her offer without a second thought.

But the situation was different. I knew I could never take advantage of her especially given her desperation. I immediately pushed her hand aside and stood up again, stepping away from her.

"No, Krystyna. Your offer is something along with marriage that we will never share together." I paused, allowing my words to register with her. I finally spoke the words I had been wanting to say for several weeks.

"It would be best if we did not see each other again. I believe if I continued seeing you it would only raise false hopes within you." My words, meant to be kind, sounded harsh ever to me.

"But what about… us?" The look of hope and longing on her pretty face cut through me like a knife.

"Us? There is no us, Krystyna. Nor will there ever be." I was now becoming desperate to end and escape the difficult situation.

"We should leave now. Let me escort you home."

I turned to leave, bringing the situation to an end from my perspective. Krystyna, however, had other thoughts.

"No," she said firmly. "You invited me to this evening's cotillion. I will not leave until it is over. I am staying, with or without you."

It would have been unconscionable of me to leave her at the event so I was forced to remain.

If I had thought the night was long before, it was now excruciating in its length. When midnight finally arrived, I could see Krystyna tear up when several engagements were announced.

It was beyond me why she had so wanted to witness the event. She knew she was destined not to be one of those young ladies whose name was to be called. Perhaps she was torturing herself, or was hoping I would change my mind. Or perhaps, she wanted to make me feel guilty for my decision. If it was the latter, she did not succeed. I would not marry a woman I did not love. Even at my young age, I knew Krystyna was not the one with which I was destined to be.

We were among the last couples to leave at almost two in the morning. It was a silent taxi ride to her house. The driver attempted to make small talk with us, but he must have sensed that something was not right. When we finally arrived, I asked the driver to wait. I wanted Krystyna to clearly realize that I would not be tarrying long.

I offered Krystyna my arm and walked her to the door. When we reached the porch, I removed my cover and bent down to gently kiss her cheek. She offered it indignantly with her chin slightly turned away from me. Her eyes were closed as if to blot me from her sight.

"Good night, Krystyna. I wish you the best in life and pray that you will be truly happy with the right man." There was finality in my voice that could not be mistaken.

Her hand snaked out and slapped me hard across my face, shredding me of my dignity.

"I care nothing for your wishes or prayers, Hans. They are not what I desired. You will need to live with that the rest of your life."

I replaced my cover and walked to the waiting taxi, my face still stinging from her slap. At least the long evening had come to a merciful end. All wanted to do was to return to my room and fall into bed asleep.

The driver had witnessed the scene and did not say a word as he returned me to the Academy. Instead, he silently passed me his flask. I opened it and took a long drink from it, not caring what type of alcohol it contained. The kirschwasser burned my throat, but I could feel it take the edge off the difficult evening.

Several days later, my handkerchief had crossed my mind in passing. I thought it would be in poor taste for me to request its return from her. I frankly believed that Krystyna had simply disposed of it. After that, I had never given it another thought.

And now, after all this time, it was sitting on the Kommandant's desk.

It became obvious to me. Somehow, my handkerchief had come into the possession of another cadet who planted it to implicate me. Someone who wanted to ensure I was caught and punished for the prank, probably by expulsion from the Academy. Someone who knew I was behind the act.

I stood there silently, not knowing what to possibly say. Actually, there was nothing I could say at that moment.

I thought for a moment of telling the Kommandant that I had actually given it to a young lady, who must have given it to someone else, but I immediately dismissed the thought. I had already caused enough grief to Krystyna in the past. There was nothing to gain by involving her in my current circumstance.

"There is no use denying it, Dietrich. Not only do I have the evidence but also an eye witness."

I looked at him immediately, breaking my stance, my eyes locking with his. His face was the epitome of the professional poker player, giving me no clue as to the informant.

I knew the witness was not one of my other four co-conspirators. I trusted them implicitly and knew they would never betray me or any the others. It must have been someone else, someone who had heard us planning, or someone who had actually witnessed us prepping for the prank.

Suddenly, I realized beyond a doubt that it was Meyer. Everything about this reeked of his fetid style. It was all too obvious. And it was all my own fault. After all, I had ignored my instincts that day and had continued on with my plan. I chastised myself for not immediately cancelling the prank the moment he had interrupted us.

"I have the right to face my accuser," I finally stammered. They were the only words that came to my empty and racing mind. They sounded desperate, even to me.

"As a matter-of-fact, you don't have the right. The only rights you possess are the ones given to you and that is not one of them. Now, do you admit to the prank, Dietrich? Never mind the accuser, the evidence and the accuser speaks for itself."

There was no use denying it any longer. It was now time for me to accept the consequences of a moment of my stupidity.

"Yes, I admit to it," I said simply, staring straight ahead, not making eye contact with him again.

"I also know, from the witness, that you did not act alone. Who are the other four boys involved?"

"If my accuser knows so much about the incident, I would assume that if four other boys were involved, he would also know their names. But for the record, I acted alone."

"He didn't know specifically. Only that there were four others. Who are they?" Schnass continued to press.

I immediately realized why Meyer hadn't named the others. He was testing my honor. Would my honor compel me to tell the truth and name them? Or would my honor drive me to protect the others and lie to do so? Meyer knew well enough that I would never name them. He knew that I would be forced to take the full consequences of our foolish actions.

For once, Meyer and I agreed upon something. I would not name the others. It was my idea, I had coerced them. They hadn't wanted to go through with it, but I had egged them on, assuring them we wouldn't be caught. For all my confidence and blatant ego, it was fitting for me to be the one to accept the full responsibility and consequences.

Schnass sighed. "I will ask you one final time, Dietrich. I suggest you think wisely before you answer my question: Are you prepared to name the others involved?"

"Sir, as I previously stated, I acted alone." We both knew that it was a blatant lie.

"Then you shall suffer your punishment alone. They say there is honor among thieves and you are the personification of this. I respect your honor, even though it is highly misplaced. It would serve you better if you directed it elsewhere. Your defiance will not serve you well."

I looked straight ahead and waited for his judgement and my resulting punishment. I was disappointed.

"I will decide your punishment by the end of the week, Dietrich. It will likely be expulsion. In the meantime, you are to remain in your quarters for the remainder of the day. This will give you the opportunity to reflect upon your actions. Tomorrow, you will return to your classes except for Herr Janning's class. During that particular class time, you will instead work in the stables."

I nodded. There was more coming, I knew, and I waited for it.

"You are not to socialize with the other students during this time. The other cadets will be instructed to ostracize and isolate you during this period of reflection. Do you understand, Dietrich?"

The insult was clear to me. "Understood, Sir." My heart was racing. I knew I was in very serious trouble.

"And Dietrich?"

"Sir?"

"If by chance you should discover who came forward to report your crime and if anything should happen to him, even so much as a broken fingernail, I will hold you personally responsible. I will then turn this entire matter over to the police instead of containing it within my jurisdiction."

"Sir." I gave Schnass a curt nod, acknowledging his promise, but immediately discarded it. I would deal with Meyer when an opportunity presented itself in the future.

"You are dismissed, Dietrich. You will be notified of my decision."

I turned and simply left, returning to my room for the remainder of the day. It didn't take long for the news to spread like wildfire through the academy.

"How did you fucking get caught?" hissed Matthias, when he dared enter my room that evening.

"This time you truly are taking a risk being seen in my company, Matthias. I have been formally ostracized and no doubt Schnass is having me watched. "

"I'm beyond that. Tell me how old man Schnass found out about you."

"My handkerchief was found in the storeroom. There was also a witness."

"My God, Hans! How could you be so careless and stupid to leave it there! I thought you would be smarter than that. Not only did you jeopardize yourself, the rest of us could have been implicated."

"That's just it: I didn't leave my handkerchief there. I know that for a fact."

"How can you be so positive?"

I hesitated before answering. "Because I gave it to a young lady in the late summer."

"Are you referring to Krystyna, the cute brunette? The one who wanted to get married?"

"The same, yes."

"But if you gave it her, how did it end up in the storeroom?"

"That is a mystery to me as well."

Matthias gave a heavy sigh. "It is never good, though, when a mystery involves a woman. To whom did she give it? To the witness? It shouldn't be too hard to figure out who that was, should it?"

I decided that I would not tell Matthias or the others about my suspicions. Knowing Meyer, he would eventually tip his hand towards me regarding his involvement. Besides, Meyer didn't care about them, he wanted vengeance against me. I would keep this personal between just the two of us.

"It doesn't matter at this point, Matthias," I smoothly lied to him. "Someone must have acquired my handkerchief from her and then planted it to implicate me."

"But who?" he persisted.

"Stop asking me 'who'!" I practically yelled at him. My nerves were at the breaking point and his incessant questions were needling me.

"This is incredible! Almost like some bad American detective picture. But who?" It took every ounce of my strength not to throttle him. "You don't think it was one of us, do you?"

"Of course not! Why would you implicate me and run the risk of me informing on all of you?"

"But that's just it: You wouldn't."

I turned to him, the comprehension beginning to sink in.

"No, I would not."

Matthias looked at me, expression smug, because he knew that he had come to the correct conclusion. "And the person who planted the handkerchief was very much aware that you wouldn't name any of us, either."

As I had already reached the same conclusion, I couldn't disagree.


	5. 19 Oktober 1933

I reported to the stables the following day as ordered. Under different circumstances, I would have looked forward to spending any additional time there. The stables were one of my favorite areas at the Academy, a beautiful area I never tired of visiting.

The Academy had a large stable of excellent horses and extensive riding grounds, the equal of any I had seen.

Wanting to maintain its cavalry tradition, the German Army strongly believed that all German officers should have the ability to ride and be comfortable around horses. I had ridden horses since almost before I was able to walk so this had never been an issue with me.

Not all of the other cadets were as relaxed as I was around horses. For some of those who had been raised in urban areas, the time spent at the stables was pure torture for them. Matthias made no attempt to hide how he was petrified of horses. It was always a sight watching him ride, bouncing along like a block of ice, never one with the horse, constantly losing his stirrups, teeth clattering, hanging on for dear life.

His fear extended to even the most gentle of the animals. The horses quickly picked up Matthias' fear and exploited it to their full advantage. There was one mischievous mare who took a fiendish delight in tormenting Matthias. Every time he would attempt to clumsily pull himself up into the saddle, Mia would quickly reach around and nip him sharply in his backside.

I had even offered to work with Matthias privately when he visited our estate, but he would refuse stating he was there to relax, not to be tormented.

My warm thoughts on the Academy stables faded away as I neared the office. I realized I was here to work and work hard, to learn a lesson until Schnass deemed otherwise.

The stable master spotted me and quickly came to meet me. He warmly greeted me, clasping me on the shoulder with a strong hand.

"Ah, Young Dietrich. I was notified you would be working for me in the stables after your incident with Herr Janning. Truly a shame. However, why the Kommandant would view working in the stables with these magnificent creatures a punishment is beyond me." He shook his head in disbelief and motioned for me to walk with him.

"Your main function will be assisting the other cadets, primarily with their tack. Fairly straightforward work. I've already notified them that you would be helping out for the near future. Hopefully, they won't take too much advantage of you given the turn of events. Depending on the length of your duty, I'll assign you to other miscellaneous tasks. Let's be off, the other cadets should already be at the arena."

Andreas Kohl was a diminutive man, but he was solidly built, the result of a lifetime of hard work here at the Academy stables. People would frequently judge him based on his stature, but they would quickly reassess him once they saw his abilities.

I do not believe I had ever seen anyone who had such a way around horses. I had frequently witnessed him working with the largest and most difficult of animals with ease and confidence, immediately calming the animal. As for his strength, it was nothing for him to unload an order of hay on his own, effortlessly tossing the bales into stacks as the other workers twice his stature sweated and swore with the labor.

Kohl was originally from the southern area of Germany. When he discovered that I enjoyed learning foreign languages, he was kind enough to teach me his native dialect. I readily learned Lower Silesian and soon it was the only language I conversed with him in.

He was a confirmed bachelor with no relatives unless you counted the cadets and other stable workers he fondly called his family. My father had frequently offered him a position at our estate, but Kohl had always found an excuse not to leave, preferring to stay with his "family" in the only place that he had known.

Kohl always called me 'Young Dietrich' since he had known my father as a cadet and had served with him during the war.

"Such a man is your father," he would frequently say. "I never saw a man who could sit a horse better than he. Truly a sight to be seen, yes indeed, especially on a tall horse. However, I must admit that your grandfather was also an impressive horseman. I would see him when he would come to visit your father and the two would spend time riding together. Of course, I only knew your grandfather when I was a lad.

"You, too, are following in their excellent tradition when it comes to horses," he would honestly add. "Easily one of the best riders here of any of the cadets. Yes, it would have been something to see all three of you ride together: Three generations of Dietrichs. Perhaps, though, I can witness you ride with your father just once."

My father always made it a point to visit Kohl when he visited the Academy. For my father to do so indicated that he thought very highly of Kohl. He always greeted Kohl warmly during these visits, as a fellow warrior instead of as a former commanding officer.

I strongly suspected that my father underwrote Kohl's salary. Schnass ran the Academy on a tight budget, and Kohl's position easily could have been covered by the other staff.

Kohl always immediately stopped what he was doing and would invite my father for a drink in his office. They would spend quite some time together, reminiscing about their service together and trading war stories. He truly felt a friendship and a comradery with my father that I couldn't even imagine.

"Have you contacted your family regarding your situation?"

"No," I said curtly. Contacting them would be the last thing I would do.

"Perhaps it won't be as bad as you imagine. Your father can be a very understanding and compassionate man, Young Dietrich."

We continued to walk, I not commenting on his last statement.

"Yes, your father is a good man. I will always be grateful for him saving my life," Kohl casually mentioned when we had almost reached the arena.

"He did?" I was beyond surprised at the statement. "I was unaware that he had done so."

"Unaware? He never mentioned it?" Kohl looked at me with surprise.

"We speak very infrequently," I replied after a moment's hesitation.

"Very unfortunate, Young Dietrich. I believe your father would have much to say to you if you would only give him the opportunity."

"Would he? I believe the reverse to be truer, but it doesn't matter." I left it at that. I felt uncomfortable discussing my personal family business with Kohl. I did not believe Kohl would understand the huge difference of serving under my father in the war for only four years versus trying to be his son over a lifetime.

"It was during the World War," Kohl began. He looked out over the grounds, a faraway look appearing on his face as if he was witnessing the act in real life.

"I had been ordered over the top and had been cut down in No-Man's land. Men dying all around me, horses screaming in their agonies, artillery shells falling everywhere and destroying anything in their midst. Thought I was a goner, I did." He took out his handkerchief and wiped his brow, even though the weather was cool.

"The next thing I knew, your father was there, grabbing me by my belt and throwing me over his shoulder as if I was a sack of grain. Made it back to our lines without a scratch on him, he did. Of course, I didn't! I always thought it ironic that I took another one in my backside as he was carrying me out. How they could hit me, a small man, while missing your father, a big man, I'll never understand. Typical French marksmanship, eh?"

I had to smile at the image. Either my father had been running like the devil was after him or the French must has been truly poor shots to miss such a large man as he.

"I still joke with your father that they were aiming for him and got me instead," he continued, before becoming serious again. "The entire time I served, I never saw another senior officer do such a thing. Risk his life for an enlisted man, the old fool! Yes, your father is an extraordinary man. You are fortunate to have him as your father. Whether you realize it or not." He looked at me wisely.

The cadets were almost ready to begin their exercises when we reached the arena. There were a few other stable hands already working, supporting the cadets when called upon for various needs. I suddenly heard my name called out.

"Dietrich! Get over here!"

I was not surprised that it was Meyer.

No doubt he would take a fiendish delight in ordering me around. My anger began to rise, fueled even more by the reality that I was required to follow his orders. I took my time walking over to his horse.

"Dietrich, would you raise my stirrups?" he asked in a wickedly sweet voice.

"Why? No one else would have used your saddle, Meyer. They are at the same level as they were the last time you rode. Nothing has changed." I started to leave, but he called me back sharply.

"Get back here, Dietrich! All the same, I would like them raised." Meyer's eyes were fierce and unrelenting.

I gritted my teeth. I moved his left leg forward and shortened the strap a notch before I replaced his foot in the stirrup. I then repeated the process for the right side. I smoothed all the straps and looked up at him with anger beginning to show on my face.

"No, no, no! That won't do." He shook his head and tsked. "It is simply too uncomfortable. I changed my mind. Return them to their original place."

Something inside of me snapped.

"Do it yourself, Meyer."

"What did you say?" Meyer's face flushed, his anger rising to match my own.

"You heard me."

"You arrogant prick! You're now nothing but a stable boy now, but yet you still have your Dietrich arrogance about you. You won't last long here now that you're like the rest of us. I don't see your father standing over there to protect you." He was quiet for a moment before he broke into a devious smile. "Oh, by the way, I've been meaning to thank you for something."

I snorted. "Thank me? For what?"

"It was rather generous of you to leave Krystyna intact for me."

His change of subject caught me off guard. No, please have it lead to something else, I silently prayed, anything but to have had Krystyna involved with Meyer. She never would have stood a chance against him.

However, with a sinking heart, I already knew the ugly truth.

Meyer leaned down towards me and lowered his voice. "Let me assure you, Dietrich, that she is a delightful companion. Very useful in more than one way."

I looked up at him, my anger beginning to smolder into a low flame.

"Yes, very pretty. And so very willing to give me the gift of her virginity. Although I must say that I'm not sure if it was worth the effort." There was something evil and unspoken behind Meyer's pointed look.

"You bastard," I said through clenched teeth. He was speaking of her as if she was an object to be discarded after being used for only one purpose.

"My, such emotion and passion over something so inconsequential! After all, you didn't want her, did you? I found a ready use for her. Why would you begrudge me for that?"

"She is a decent girl. She does not deserve that type of treatment."

"Well, she is no longer a decent girl."

He paused, looking around as if he was about ready to tell me a great secret. In a low voice he said,

"Want to know what I used to clean up after my first time with her?"

I could listen no more as I was so disgusted by the crassness of his words. I turned to leave but he grabbed my shoulder in a strong grip.

He spun me around and leaned down, his face mere inches from mine. His lips curled in a parody of a smile that never reached his eyes.

"Your handkerchief."

Everything fell into place. Meyer must have begun dating her soon after we separated, hoping to obtain some type of useful information or evidence to use against me. Or perhaps, it had just been an act of revenge. I could not be sure.

My mind could not even grasp his despicable nature. This was a man willing to use a young woman, and to endanger an elderly professor for his own purposes. Meyer's transgressions against me I could understand, but I could not understand his actions against all the others.

My anger exploded into a fire of blind rage.

Meyer was still leaning down with that insane smile on his face. I reached up and grabbed him by his shirt front, pulling him from the horse and throwing him to the ground. The horse spooked and jumped aside, almost trampling him. Suddenly, I could sense all eyes on us, wondering what the commotion was about.

Meyer immediately jumped up and raised his riding crop to strike me when his arm was grabbed from behind by Kohl.

"Is there a problem, Herr Meyer?" Kohl asked calmly.

Meyer's face was red and his chest was heaving in rage.

"This ass refused to adjust my stirrups and then he pulled me from my saddle when I rebuked him for his churlish behavior." Meyer's eyes never left mine, not even to look at Kohl.

"From my point of view it appeared that you fell off when you leaned too far over," Kohl assessed, effectively covering for me.

"I'll have your position for protecting him," Meyer said with a dangerous voice. When he turned to face Kohl, there was no mistaking the promise in Meyer's eyes.

Kohl returned his glare with amusement.

"I fought against the armies of the Entente Alliance for over four long years, Herr Meyer. After facing death on a daily basis, you will need to threaten me with something more substantial than merely losing my position."

Meyer began struggling to free his arm, but Kohl easily held his arm tight. He soon began slowly bending Meyer's arm back. It was obvious Meyer was beginning to feel pain from the intense pressure.

"A few words of advice, Herr Meyer: I strongly suggest that you cease your poor behavior before you are called to task for it," Kohl softly said to him. "It is a small world with not much room to hide. Let this be a lesson that there is always someone smarter and stronger than you out there."

Finally, with a faint smile, Kohl released him.


	6. 20 Oktober 1933

I knew it was finished when Riegel quietly entered the lecture hall during the middle of my class. I could not prevent myself from looking directly at him, following his every move. He specifically avoided making any eye contact with me and went directly to Professor Rodger Heidemann. Heidemann ignored him, continuing his lecture undisturbed as Riegel waited silently nearby. After waiting for only a few seconds, Riegel left, leaving a folded note on the lectern before he quietly slipped out.

It was only after Heidemann had completed his thought that he allowed his attention to turn to the note. I, on the other hand, had been fixated on it, unable to take my eyes from it. Heidemann casually picked it up, his chalk covered hands smudging the ink as he opened it. The professor read it briefly and immediately closed it, his face giving no indication of its contents.

There was no doubt in my mind what the note was regarding.

"Dietrich, gather your possessions." The professor's voice was frank as he simply returned the note to the lectern, indicating for me to take it. Heidemann returned to his lecture, as if he had never been interrupted. I could feel my face flush as all eyes went immediately to me.

It took me only a few seconds to place everything in my book bag. I set my jaw with my stubborn pride as I rose to leave, not looking at anyone as I took the note and left.

I read the note once I was outside. It offered nothing more than that I was immediately summoned to the Kommadant's office. I could only assumed that the terse note meant that a decision had been made regarding my expulsion.

I began briskly walking to Schnass' office, my thoughts completely focused. I told myself to accept his decision without emotion. I would maintain my pride and dignity. I would not plead for my position. A sense of relief actually flooded over me. At least the sordid affair would be over and I could restart my life, whatever that would be.

Receiving the judgment from the Kommandant I could accept. Informing my family, especially my father, would be much more difficult. I dreaded that confrontation, but it would be impossible to avoid.

It only took me a few minutes to reach the Kommadant's office. Riegel said nothing to me when I arrived and averted his eyes.

I stood in front of Riegel, waiting for him to acknowledge my presence. I was the one to finally break the silence.

"Herr Riegel, I am reporting as ordered to Kommandant Schnass."

Riegel nodded briefly and rose silently, still not looking directly at me. He went to the heavy doors leading to Schnass' inner office and opened them without announcing me.

I noticed that Riegel himself did not enter the office. Instead, he stepped aside and allowed me to enter by myself, something he had not done before. Once inside the office, I heard the doors close firmly behind me. I realized there was no escape for me now.

I fully expected to be met by Schnass. I had braced myself to be berated a second time by him and then to receive a summary expulsion. But the Kommandant was not there. Instead, the only person present was a large man, with his hands clasped behind his back. He was looking out of a large picture window which overlooked the Academy grounds, taking in the beautiful view as if he was at home.

I had a sharp intake of breath when I saw him. My worst possible nightmare had manifested itself in front of me.

"Hans Erich," the man said, casually calling me by my formal name. It was not necessary for the man to turn around and confirm who had entered the office. He would, of course, know that it was I by just the sound of my footsteps.

"Sir," I said formally to my father. I could feel my pulse begin to race, and hear the blood rushing in my ears. I had known that my situation was serious before I was summoned to the Kommadant's office. My father's arrival clearly indicated that it was now dire.

There was a heavy silence in the air.

While it seemed like hours, I knew it was only a few seconds before I was finally able to gather my thoughts and put together a coherent sentence.

"Sir, Kommandant Schnass did not inform me of your arrival. I was not expecting you." With no warning, I had not had time to mentally prepare. I could think of nothing else to say given the tense atmosphere.

"If you had known of my arrival, you would not be here. Given the current difficulty that you are in, no doubt you would have done everything possible to avoid being in my presence. You shun me even under normal circumstances."

He had noticed.

My father's frankness surprised me although it should not have. He was known to speak candidly on even the most difficult subject. I had not been exactly subtle in shunning him and had become brasher over the last year. My father was too an intelligent man for my actions to escape him for long. It would have been impossible for him _not_ to notice how I was acting towards him.

There was a part of me relieved to hear him speak bluntly about our relationship. It was something I had felt for quite some time, but which I had never had the strength nor courage to express to him. It had been difficult enough for me to admit it to myself.

It took me several minutes to control my thoughts before I finally was able to respond to him.

"I believe, Sir, you would agree that the feeling is mutual. We do not share a warm relationship like the majority of other fathers with their sons. Why would you desire to have dinner with me or visit me for any reason? I would say that you have tolerated and accepted my presence only for appearance's sake since my earliest memories."

My father said nothing in return, neither agreeing nor disagreeing with me. My uneasiness continued to grow and I felt compelled to say something after several additional minutes of silence had passed.

"Sir, why did you come here?"

"You know I have never cared to be asked questions when the answer is already known. It is obvious why I am here."

He still continued to look out the window. I knew his turned back signaled his displeasure with me.

"Do you believe that I am unable to handle my situation? That it could only be positively resolved with your direct intervention?"

"And how would you say that you are 'handling' it? I would say that you are doing nothing in the slightest to handle it. I was informed that you have offered no apology nor asked for forgiveness from anyone impacted."

I could not deny his words. Except for my forced confession to Schnass, I had offered no contrition to anyone.

The quiet in the room was deafening. Like a roar of a cannon, he attacked me verbally, his words strong and full of scorn towards me.

"Do you realize what you have done? Did you take complete leave of your senses when you did this asinine prank?" I started to deny his accusation, but he anticipated my response and cut me off sharply before I could even speak my first word.

He did this by merely holding up his hand. Finally, my father turned slowly towards me, his face clearly angry, but his voice carefully controlled.

"You've already admitted to Eberhardt that you planed and performed the deed. Do not waste any of my time with your feeble denials or excuses. If you are old enough to serve in the military and to die in combat, then you are old enough to begin acting like a man."

"I am fully aware of what I did…Sir." I forced myself to add the respectful title at the end.

"Finally! You're actually admitting what you did. What reason could you possibly have to do something so idiotic? Furthermore, why would you want to convince others to join you in something so dangerous? Why, pray tell me?"

I remained silent. I was unwilling to admit to him my reason for doing it.

"Let me ask you an additional question: While you were planning this reckless charade, did you perhaps contemplate, for just a moment that you could miscalculate the chemicals and a severe explosion could occur? Or that someone might be injured, possibly killed during it?"

I knew I was in the wrong for my actions, but I still felt compelled to defend myself to him.

"I made no miscalculations," I said. I now made no pretense of denying my guilt. Once I began speaking, I was unable to stop myself. "I strongly suspect my work was sabotaged by someone else. I believe it was the same person who planted my handkerchief in the storeroom and then informed Kommandant Schnass of my involvement."

"How could this individual know of your plans that he could circumvent them so easily?"

I hesitated before answering. I was unsure how much information my father knew, and I was unwilling to provide him with too many details which could later return to haunt me.

"Sir, I believe he overheard us discussing and planning the prank in the quad the day we executed it."

"My, that was fairly sloppy of you and your friends. Wouldn't it have been wiser for you to strategize in private? When I attended this institution they taught us how to think independently and to use common sense."

I could feel my anger beginning to rise at his continued insults. But my father was not near finished berating me. In fact, he was just beginning.

"You appear to have all the answers, Hans. Pray share with me how this clever individual acquired your handkerchief? Did he steal it?"

"No, he acquired it from someone else."

"My, this is more interesting than I could have possibly imagined! Don't tell me this mystery man acquired it from a scorned young lady."

I quickly looked away, but immediately returned my gaze to him.

But the damage was done. My father had noticed my reaction and surmised the truth.

"Ah! It was from a young lady. I am not surprised given your past history with women. Tell me the name of the young lady involved. Was it Fraulein Vogt?"

My eyes widened slightly in surprise. How had he known about Krystyna? I had purposely never mentioned her to my family. They only vaguely knew I had been casually seeing a young woman over the last several months.

I immediately decided that I would not confirm Krystyna's name to my father. There was no reason to involve her any further in my sordid issue.

"I can only wonder if you are not confirming her identity to protect her honor or your own reputation. Did you misuse her and was she then attempting to blackmail you in return for the handkerchief? Or were you too drunk to remember her name?" I looked at him sharply, my eyes narrowing.

"Yes, I know her name. I have chosen not to provide it to you. It is not necessary for you or anyone else to know her identity." I felt the first sparks of anger beginning to rise inside of me. "You are mistaken regarding my relationship with her. It was nothing of the kind that you are suggesting."

"Your honor towards the young woman surprises me. Given that you have demeaned the constant stream of women who have allowed you into their lives for even only a brief moment. I raised you to show women respect and honor and you have done anything but that to them. I am aware of your visits to Garten Strasse. Perhaps that is where you learned such poor behavior towards women?"

I felt my face flush. Was there anything my father did not know within his sphere of influence? In embarrassment and frustration, I found words tumbling out of my mouth.

"Tell me, dear Father, how do you know of Garten Strasse? Is it because of your own clandestine visits when you come to Berlin? I always did wonder why you continued to visit when you know that I do not seek your company. Am I your cover up?" My voice was ugly with sarcasm.

"If you believe you are insulting or belittling me, you are gravely mistaken. It is my wife and your mother that you are insulting. I have no reason to visit there."

The truth of what he said struck me as speechless as if he had slapped me. I felt deeply ashamed of my words. He was correct, whether I had meant it or not, I had insulted my mother.

My father contemplated my resistance regarding the mystery woman for only a few minutes further. It did not take long before he pursued a different line of attack.

"Who were the other four cadets involved?"

Silence was my answer. I wondered why was he and Schnass were so obsessed over my co-conspirators. What difference would it make if the others were never identified? I was prepared to take the responsibility of our actions for all of us.

"Still protecting them behind your misplaced honor? Eberhardt informed me that you refused to identify them. Well, I can clearly understand why they haven't come forth on their own. Who would want to admit that they had such a fool as you for their leader?"

They were only words, but once again, I felt like I had been struck. Throughout my life my father's words towards me had often been harsh, but never had they been this belittling. He was now blatantly calling into question my ability to lead men, the key trait of a successful military officer.

"And who was this saboteur of your well-laid plans? The one who has the charm and the ability to convince a young lady to assist him with his dirty work? You do understand that I only ask this question because I feel as though I must. I seriously doubt you will answer this question any more than you did any of my other questions."

My father was correct in his assessment. I was not going to answer this question any more than I had the other questions. I could feel my chin lift slightly with my indignity, my stubborn pride which I had inherited from the man in front of me rise to the surface.

"I must say, Hans that your sense of honor appears to have no limits. First, refusing to name the young lady, then your refusal to out con-conspirators, and finally, you are protecting the saboteur. You harbor and protect even those who have wronged and attacked you. This is a dangerous character trait which you will need to temper with reality in order to survive in combat."

"Was it Schnass who contacted you? Did he inform you of what happened?" I suddenly asked. I had had enough of his questions. I felt that it was time for me to ask some of my own.

"Do you mean Herr Schnass? It seems like your manners have left along with your senses. You will treat him with respect not only because he is the Kommandant of this Academy, but also because he is your elder and a longtime friend of mine."

Now he was the one avoiding the questions. I began to purposely omit any title of respect to my father since I felt none towards him at the moment.

"Was it _Herr_ Schnass who contacted you?" I repeated, my voice containing no respect for Schnass in the least.

"Who informed me is inconsequential and it does not change the fact of what you did." Although he would not confirm my suspicions, his slight evasiveness provided me the answer I was seeking. There was no one else except Schnass who would have had the courage to approach my father over my serious transgression.

And as for Meyer informing on me? He lacked the fortitude and strength to go up against someone like my father even through an anonymous telegram. Besides, as much as he would have relished knowing of my father seriously chastising me, Meyer's goal was to have me expelled, not saved. Given all of that, logic pointed to Schnass.

Feeling like I had some sort of answer to my question, even if not specifically spoken, I moved on with my questioning. "What was your motive for coming here? Did you want to prevent my expulsion? So I would ensure the Dietrich military dynasty since I am your only living son? Given Joachim's death, you have no spare for your heir?"

"Leave Joachim out of this conversation, God rest his poor soul," said my father coldly. "You blasphemy the dead." He brusquely proceeded to ignore my questions and continued with his own agenda.

"I came for your sake, Hans, but clearly I should not have made the effort. You have no principles and I seriously doubt you ever will."

"I have never asked for your assistance, not now nor any other time in the past."

It was as if we were at cross-purposes, each maintaining our own list of grievances while completely ignoring what the other had to say.

"You might not have specifically asked for my assistance now or previously. However, I was always forced to step in to assist you with some disaster you had created. The list is endless. Your current mindless incident, of course, is the most serious one I have had to resolve."

"I do not need you to resolve anything."

I now began seriously question my father's authority for the first time in my life. I could feel myself begin to rebel and push back against my father. I could not stop myself from raising my voice to him.

"I don't want your assistance! I want to succeed or fail on my own merits! In this instance and every other one I will face in my life I want to achieve it on my own. It is critical for me as a man and as a future officer to succeed without any of your support. You will not be with me on the battlefield instructing me on how to give orders to my men."

"And you will never find yourself on the battlefield unless I again to cover for your transgression. I don't believe you comprehend how close you are to being expelled."

"At least if I was expelled I would have accomplished that achievement on my own. I would rather be expelled than give you control over my life and determine its future. You have attempted to mold me into a younger version of yourself since my earliest memories."

"I never forced you to enter this academy or to choose the military. You applied without even my knowledge. You did everything possible for me _not_ to know, not to aid you in any way. If you were so against entering this academy and the military, why did you do so?"

"I knew the consequences if I did not follow your path. Perhaps you did not speak directly of it, but I knew you would never have accepted any different career choice from me. It seems that the only thing I have even done remotely correctly in your eyes is to follow your military career."

"You are ignorant and know nothing of me, Hans. As my son, I would have supported you in any respectable profession you might have chosen. But at this moment I am embarrassed to admit that you are my son."

"Perhaps I am not your son." My words surprised even myself.

He immediately crossed over to where I was standing and I thought he was going to strike me for a moment.

"How dare you make such an insinuation about my wife and your mother?" His voice was low and angry and I knew he was using an effort to restrain himself. "I dare you to utter a word!"

I said nothing, again ashamed of myself. It had never been my intent to speak ill of my mother. And in my desire to best him, I had not only insulted her once, but twice.

"No, I didn't think you had it in you to utter another word against your mother," he said frankly. "I have never looked at another women since the day I married her almost thirty years ago. Of course, the idea of marriage being sacred and putting someone else first must be a foreign concept to you."

"Then perhaps, dear father, you have wished for a different son. I know I certainly have frequently wished for a different father." While his voice had been controlled, mine was beginning to rise again.

He whirled around to face my accusations

Recklessly, in the face of his anger, I continued. "Yes, you provided for my needs, but nothing more. Perhaps my poor actions stem from a lack of involvement of your part."

"You alone are responsible for your actions. Your actions towards others are due to your low self-opinion and lack of self-respect you hold for yourself. Your behavior will be nothing but a disgrace to the German uniform you desire, or at least pretend to desire, to wear."

There was a part of me and, a large part of me I hated to admit, which believed his words. Being the son of a man such as my father, I always feared I could never meet the high standards he had set for himself and me. I wanted to be his equal as a man and a soldier, but I believed it would be impossible for to achieve these levels.

"Right now I despise you for your interference and influence over my life."

"Enough!"

I started to respond when he sharply cut me off again.

"I said enough of your drivel!" His voice was cold hard and I knew I had pushed him further than I should have.

I was not to be denied of what I wanted to say. I snapped inside. My blood boiling, I no longer could restrain my emotions. Furthermore, I had no desire to do so. All the negative feelings I had contained silently over my lifetime rushed to the forefront and now took control of me.

I broke the formal attention stance I had maintained until now. I took a few steps towards him, my hands clenched in fists by my side. The infuriated and passionate words came pouring out of me recklessly.

"No, it isn't enough. The word doesn't even begin to cover my feelings towards you over my life." I was yelling at him for the first time in my life, something I had never dared to do before this moment. I knew my strong voice must be carrying to the outside room. I cared little if anyone else heard me. My focus was only on the man in front of me.

"I have felt nothing but complete isolation from you. I have felt this way since my earliest memories. No matter how much effort I put into my life to be a success, it was never quite good enough to earn your respect or approval. My preparatory school academics, sports, anything, you always believed I could and should have tried harder.

"What have you accomplished in your life except serving and losing in the war? All my life I've only heard about your so-called accomplishments on the battlefield, nothing more. Isn't there anything more to you than just this? I'm God damned sick and tired of constantly hearing about this outdated life. It means nothing in today's modern Germany! I only ever wanted to know you was as my father, not some mythical soldier on the front lines.

"Maybe if you had been a good father instead of a great soldier, I would not have fallen into trouble. Can you not see it? I myself am different than you, I want to be nothing like you in the least. I want to live my life and have fun and enjoy it. I mean to have more than just the military to keep me warm at night and company during the day. I want to have living friends instead of dead fallen soldiers sleeping in distant cemeteries.

"When have you ever had time for me? At the moments when I wanted you, the moments when I needed you as I was growing up? No, your attention was always directed elsewhere towards someone else. There was always someone else, someone outside of the family where you would direct your attention and efforts.

"It always amazed me on how you spent so much time with your beaten soldiers. They were so woe-begotten and righteous in their sorrow and self-pity, always thinking they lost because of the politicians, the Communists and the Jews, never accepting responsibility for their poor soldering.

"How many of these ragamuffins stayed at the estate for days and weeks, giving nothing but taking everything? How they would wake us up in the middle of the night with their screams of terror, frightening Liesl? How much money did you give these freeloaders when they at least could have offered to work off their keep? No, they never offered because they knew you would never see past your guilt." I paused and took a breath. I felt drained. I was not certain that in the entire span of my life that I had spoken as many words to my father as I had that afternoon.

"Did it ever remotely cross your mind to direct some of this attention and compassion towards your son? I have my life ahead of me instead of entrenched in the past like those beaten souls." Out of breath, and nearly out of ire, I stopped.

My father took advantage of my pause. "How uncompassionate you are to those who have little when you have so much! Many of these men had lost their homes in territory ceded to the Entente powers. There were no jobs for them to earn a living and support what little remained of their families or their self-respect.

"Everything you have is what has been generously given to you, Hans. You yourself have earned none of it. I do not need to justify my actions to anyone, least of all you."

"I have never cared for you less than I have at this moment," I said barely above a whisper. "You are a failure as a father as you were as a soldier."

I suddenly felt an unaccustomed cruel streak rise inside of me and take control. With a slight smile on my face, my voice low and controlled, the words easily sprang to life.

"Perhaps if you had been a better officer, if you had led your men more effectively and had fought harder, you would not have failed your men and Germany would not have lost the war. Perhaps so many men under your command wouldn't have perished for nothing more than the foreign dirt they occupy."

I regretted my sadistic words as soon as I uttered them, but they were impossible to retract.

From everything I had been told and read about him, my father had been an excellent officer and soldier. I knew that my words were untrue, but they were meant to hurt him.

How could I possibly imagine that someday I would be in the same position?

In just a few strides, my father crossed the room until he was mere inches from where I stood my ground so defiantly against him.

Without warning he backhanded me hard, twice, across the face. The blows nearly toppled me over from the force. I could feel my lip split and immediately puff up. The coppery taste of blood spilled into my mouth.

In a voice that barely contained his anger, he said, "Boy, you know nothing of what you speak. And I pray to God that you never do."

My father immediately turned his back to me, wanting to remove me from his sight. He returned to the window where he had originally been when I entered the office. He again clasped his hands behind he back and began casually looking out the window. The scene was surreal and undisturbed. It was as if nothing had happened over the last thirty minutes.

My father began speaking in an eerily calm voice. "I expected more from a son of mine, as a German officer and as a man." He simple words hung in the air.

"I find your actions disgraceful, your thoughts dishonorable, and your words cruel. The rhetoric you spout is the same I hear increasingly from the National Socialists. But this should sit well with you since your will no doubt be serving them in their military.

"As someone who has never seen combat your words are laughably naïve. You make it sound so simple, to lead men more effectively, to just 'fight harder'. There is much more to being a soldier or an officer than these simple words would leave one to believe.

"You will understand this the first time one of your men is killed due to an order you gave. When he dies in front of you, his blood upon your body. His final words being his begging for you to kill him, to release him from his earthly agony. And then when you write the notification letter to his loved ones. That is when you will remember your words from this day. And you will be deeply ashamed."

He stopped talking and I thought he was finished, but he wasn't. The worst was yet to come.

"You are an embarrassment to our family. No, you do not have my respect of approval for anything you have done and I doubt you ever shall. I look for some redeeming aspect of your character and still, I find nothing." He shook his head.

"You are to leave my presence immediately. I have no desire to be near you or to have anything to do with you for the foreseeable future. Your disrespect for all the German soldiers who fought honorably, and especially those who gave their lives, is appalling. And you have also disrespected me and your mother.

"Whatever Eberhardt decides upon your fate, you will share it alone."

I immediately left, refusing to ask for his permission to be dismissed.

It was the last time I would see or speak to my father for almost seven months.


	7. 20 Oktober 1933 (zweiter teil)

I returned to my class and slipped quietly into my seat. Heidemann was still lecturing in his rapid staccato style, the blackboard now completely covered with his sprawled notes.

It was obvious to anyone who glanced at me that I had been in an altercation. I had stopped in a lavatory to wash the blood from my mouth, but there was little else I could do. The palm marks were still clearly visible against my face and my jaw was beginning to swell.

I could feel my classmates stare at me and then I heard them begin to whisper what had happened to me. It began as a low background murmur in the lecture hall. The voices rapidly became louder, interrupting the final moments of the professor's lecture.

"…and whatever you find so fascinating regarding Dietrich's return," he said sharply, never turning around to see the cause of the gossip, "will cease now. I will expect nothing less from all of you to maintain discipline while I am lecturing." The sounds of speculation immediately ceased. Mental conjectures, no doubt, continued.

I would not have been able to recite a single word of the remainder of his lecture, even if a gun had been held to my temple. I was barely conscious of the stares upon me. I felt completely numb. The fight with my father had greatly impacted me.

I stared straight ahead, only conscious of the stares upon me. I felt completely numb. The fight with my father had greatly impacted me.

It was only when Heidemann had concluded his lecture did he turn around to face the class. I was sitting in the front row. Heidemann paused for only a split second as he took in the damage to my face, before he immediately continued, reminding us of the exam next week.

"Class dismissed."

I began to rise when I heard Heidemann order, "Dietrich, you stay." I sank back into my seat. Again, I could feel everyone's eyes on me. Despite Heidemann's dismissal, the other students gathered around me.

"I said 'class dismissed!'", Heidemann repeated in a voice which left no doubt that he meant for the other students to leave. My classmates looked between me and the professor before they reluctantly filed out.

I remained in my seat, eyes downcast as Heidemann approached me.

"Come with me," he said brusquely. He walked through a side door into his office, not bothering to see if I was following.

Heidemann's office was cramped, with papers and books everywhere. Removing a stack of papers from a chair, he motioned for me to sit. He took several clean rags and a bottle of antiseptic from his desk. He soaked a rag in cold water from the basin and began to gently clean my face. He poured the antiseptic unto another cloth and began applying it to my lip. While the cold water had felt soothing, the antiseptic stung. Reflexively, I pulled away.

"Hold still," Heidemann said, roughly pulling me back as he continued to apply it. Finally, he finished and tossed the cloth aside. He folded his arms and sat on the edge of his desk.

"What is your next class?" I was still addled and I had to concentrate to remember.

"Chemistry," I answered. I sadly remembered I was no longer in that class. "It was chemistry. I am now assigned to work in the stables during this time."

"I don't think Kohl will mind if you're a few minutes late," he said kindly. Heidemann sat there a few minutes looking thoughtfully at me before he spoke.

"If I had to hazard a guess I would say that your condition is due to a meeting with your father."

I merely raised my eyebrows.

"I saw your father earlier this morning. When the note arrived pulling you from class, it was not difficult for me to connect the two events." Heidemann sat there contemplating the situation for a few moments before he spoke again.

"You must have said something severe for your father to strike you. A few times by the looks of it."

I said nothing. The shame of what I had said to my father was becoming a reality to me. I did not even wish to think about it, much less repeat it.

"I've known your father for quite some time. He doesn't strike me as the type to be physically disciplining his adult children over their transgressions. Perhaps I'm mistaken?"

"You're not mistaken regarding him, Herr Heidemann. I do not have a warm relationship with him, but I the only time he has struck me is when I truly deserved it as a child. Never as a man." I paused for a moment before I continued. "This incident was different." I looked down at my feet, very embarrassed, because after all, I had deserved everything that my father had given me. "I prefer not to elaborate further."

"Fair enough. But if I understand you, you're admitting that you were in the wrong. It does take a man to admit he has made a mistake, especially when it involves a family member."

How different his words were than my father's words which I usually found to be belittling! I briefly closed my eyes against the painful memory of my father's words. As much as I wanted to erase them from memory, I knew that they were and always would be permanently etched there. I also knew that memory would hurt far more and far longer than any beating ever could have.

"I am not, at the moment, asking for his forgiveness."

"Also understood. Hopefully, you will reach that moment in the near future before too much time has passed. Contact me if you need anything else, Dietrich. I have some influence with the Kommandant, and I am willing to speak with him on your behalf. I believe that there is more to you than what he judges."

"Thank you, Herr Heidemann. But I believe Kommandant Schnass has already made his decision."

"Best of luck to you, Dietrich. Sometimes the worst situations have a way of turning themselves into something positive."

I arrived at the stables late. The other students had already left and Kohl and the stable workers were already putting up the horses and tack for the day.

Kohl gave a low whistle when he saw me, realizing why I was late.

"Looks like you've been in a fight, Young Dietrich. And a pretty good one by the looks of it." He admired it for a few minutes, looking at it from different angles. "Was it Meyer? Before he arrived at the stables?"

"No." I didn't elaborate. I was already weary of talking about the incident and I wanted to put it behind me.

"Well, whoever he was, I am certain that he looks a lot worse." Apparently, Kohl took the hint and he did not pursue his questioning any further.

If my split lip would have allowed, I would have grimaced at just exactly how untrue Kohl's certainty was.

"Come along, Young Dietrich, and I'll fix you up. I promise you won't be able to feel a thing afterwards." Kohl winked and put a hand on my shoulder, shepherding me towards his office.

I began to protest that Heidemann had already cleaned my face, but I suddenly realized that Kohl had a different type of "treatment" in mind.

I followed him to his office and took the offered seat across from Kohl's desk.

He pulled a bottle of American whiskey from his desk along with two glasses. Kohl poured a stiff measure into both glasses and pushed one towards me.

"The American whiskey is a habit I picked up when I fought with your father against the Americans at Belleau Wood. Thank God their idiotic crusade against alcohol has come to an end. I was worried there for a few years."

I shook my head in refusal. "Thank you, but I shouldn't be drinking at this time of day in uniform. I am already in enough trouble."

"Take it. If Schnass says anything I'll tell him that the whiskey was for medicinal purposes and that I ordered you to drink it." Kohl pressed the glass into my hand.

I downed the contents of the glass in a single take. I had needed it greatly. Kohl looked at me with a widening grin before he also easily downed his drink. He quickly refilled both our glasses. We clinked them together before we swiftly drained them together.

We sat for a few minutes before Kohl spoke.

"Your father stopped by today. Only for a few minutes, mind you," Kohl said as he refilled our glasses for a third time. "I was surprised to see him given it was the middle of the week. He said he had business that needed his attention."

"Yes, that does sound like him." I studied the whiskey glass purposefully, leaving my face blank as my response was neutral.

Kohl, on the other hand, pressed the issue.

"Did he have a chance to visit with you?"

"You might say that." I watched as the realization finally dawned upon.

"I'm sorry, Young Dietrich that it has come to this. It's always amazed me in life that one small action can have such a big impact. I hope your current difficult times will pass quickly." He paused for a moment, seemingly at a loss for words.

"I don't condone what your father did to you. He has always set high expectations for himself and I believe he looks at you the same way. He's very proud of you and doesn't want you to throw away your potential on these silly incidents. Your father truly believes that you will be a fine officer and has said so to me on several occasions."

"Does he? I find it rather interesting that you know this yet he has never expressed it to me."

"Men form a bond when they've been in combat together, even if one reports to the other."

He shook his head sadly. "You're a fine young man; I pray to God you never see combat. It's not the romantic story these idiot politicians make it out to be. If you do see it, you'll understand what I'm saying about the men you serve with. That even includes reaching out to the enemy."

"The enemy? That sounds counter-intuitive. Shouldn't we be trying to kill each other instead of bonding over the experience together?"

Kohl gave a short laugh. "Wars are a strange thing. They have a way of bringing the enemies together. Became close friends with a few American soldiers. I still occasionally hear from them. They actually treated me quite well when we surrendered to them at the end. Though, they don't call them 'cowboys' for no reason. Always a bit cocky and arrogant."

Now it was my turn to laugh. "Aren't those the normal American personality traits?"

He smiled. "Yes, Young Dietrich. I would agree with you. I don't believe I've never met one who didn't have those traits."

We sat in silence for several minutes. Both of us were beginning to feel the effect of three stout whiskies taken within a short time period. Kohl was right: The pain in my face had receded to be replaced by the pleasant glow of the whiskey. Kohl was the one to break the silence.

"Perhaps if you met your father half-way?"

I left his question unanswered. Thankfully, he did not pursue it.

Instead Kohl, ever the wise man, changed the subject. "When will Schnass give you his decision regarding your expulsion?"

"He didn't give me a date. I would say sooner, rather than later."

"Yes, that sounds like him. Schnass is a man of action, never one to wait."

Our conversation faltered and stalled. And the whiskey bottle was very nearly empty. It was obviously time for us both to move on and to face the rest of the evening.

Kohl got up and cleared his throat. "Well, you'd best be off to supper. I can hear them calling for formation. They will be serving soon. No sense in missing it. It's a long time to breakfast."

I rose and looked at him. I swallowed, grateful for Kohl's support. "Thank you." I extended my hand.

Kohl instead embraced me quickly, and patted my back for encouragement before he turned away, awkwardly as if nothing had happened.

I quickly took my leave as Kohl began to wipe down an already gleaming stirrup.

I strode briskly across the campus. I knew that if I missed formation, I would not be seated in the dining hall. It would be another black mark against me. At the last possible second, I slipped in before Schnass made his appearance.

Once again, I was the center of attention. Out of the corner of eye, I could see the others darting glances at me during the prayer. After we were seated, a few tried to question me.

I silenced all of them with a stern look. They knew better than to press it further.

Matthias, of course, was different. He finally was able to corner me in the hallway of our residence hall.

"What the hell happened to you, Hans? Looks like you went through a meat grinder." Matthias reached up and grabbed my chin, moving my face so he could have a better look. "You'll have a pretty good shiner by morning."

I slapped his hand away. I was tired of being touched.

"Did your old man do this?"

"Why do you ask that?" I countered evasively.

"Look, Hans, the entire academy knows he was here today. It's the only thing everyone is talking about. That is, along with your face. It's not hard for even me to see the connection between the two."

"Yes, it was he."

"Wow! He can still really throw a punch at his age." He paused a moment to think before continuing.

"I take it he knows about the prank."

"And what was your first clue?" I asked sarcastically.

"Well, he does visit you every now and…"  
"Yes, I would say it is safe to say that he knows about it." I pointed towards my swelling eye.

"Who told him? Schnass?"

"You are starting with the 'who's' again…" I said menacingly.

"You have to admit that the 'who' has probably crossed your mind, too." Matthias shook his head pondering his own question.

"It doesn't matter who told him. There should have never been anything to tell."

"True, but there's no sense beating yourself up over it. What's done is done."

We parted and I went wearily to my room. I opened the door to my room and stopped immediately. It was there, staring at me, in its simplistic form. It was impossible to miss even in the dim light from the hallway.

I closed the door softly behind me, not wanting to look at it. I crossed to my desk and lit my small reading lamp, all the while avoiding it. I took off my tunic and hung it in the closet after thoroughly brushing it. I meticulously prepared the remainder of my uniform, laying it out for tomorrow. Finally, I began polishing my boots, working the boot black deep into the leather until they shone. After delaying as long as possible, I allowed my attention to face it.

Of course, it was still there, in the same place, patiently waiting for me. As much as I had hoped it would disappear, such an unrealistic thought was not meant to be. Impossible to miss, it must have been slipped under the door before I had returned from supper. I knew that it had not been there earlier in the day.

A part of me was wildly praying that it was a note from a lover, asking me for a rendezvous in a special place. But I knew the envelope did not contain that type of meeting request.

I broke the seal off the back and pulled the single sheet of heavy paper from the envelope.

The black ink contrasted sharply with the crisp whiteness of the paper. The words shouting from the page in their simplicity. I read it through twice, although the note's meaning was impossible to misunderstand.

I was ordered to report to Kommandant Schnass' office at 06:00 tomorrow morning.


	8. 21 Oktober 1933

The dawn had not yet broken as I walked across the grounds, enjoying everything that they had to offer. The landscape was softly muted in the waning dark hours, the various shapes just beginning to emerge.

The Academy was beautiful this time of year. The trees were turning colors and the fall flowers were clinging to their final days of life before the first heavy frost of year. October was always my favorite time of the year. The summer heat was nothing but a memory and the cold snows of winter had yet to make their appearance.

I could see my breath when I exhaled, mixed with cigarette smoke. I did not care in the least that smoking in uniform was against the rules. With what I had done, would smoking a cigarette actually make that much of a difference?

I glanced down at my watch. I was timing my arrival to be exactly on time, not a moment early nor a moment late. A part of me, a big part I hated to admit, wanted to be purposely late, as one final act of defiance. My honor and sense of responsibility pushed this immature thought aside.

Despite the coolness of the morning, I could feel perspiration pooling under my uniform. My stress was at a high level. It was with relief that I finally reached the main building. I took one last drag on my cigarette before crushing the butt underneath my boot. I lightly walked up the steps, resigned to my fate, but looking forward to it ending.

My footsteps steps echoed in the empty hallway as I briskly walked to the rear of the building where Schnass' office was located. They provided an early warning to Schnass as I approached his office. What other cadet would be here so early in the morning?

The door to his ante-room was unlocked, and I briefly wondered if it was ever locked. Would anyone dare enter it unauthorized? Riegel was not at his desk; Schnass must have wanted to handle this personally.

I could see a light shining from underneath his door. I boldly walked up to the door and lightly knocked.

"Enter," responded Schnass immediately. I entered his office confidently, ready to accept my fate. I immediately removed my cover, placed it under my arm and came to attention.

"Sir." I was brief and formal.

I could see his eyes subtly take in my split lip, swollen jaw and the now obvious black eye which had appeared overnight. If Schnass was aware my father had struck me, he gave no indication. His face was again the impassive poker face, showing none of his thoughts or emotions. I could see him, though, take a brief sniff.

"Have you been smoking, Dietrich?"

"Yes, I had a cigarette on the way to your office." I looked him directly in the eye, not caring in the least about the consequences.

"You know it is against the regulations to smoke in your uniform and yet you proceeded to do so anyway. Why?"

"I had nothing left to lose and all the pleasure of a cigarette to gain." I gave him a wry grin, not easy with my swollen jaw. "The decision was not hard to make." I could see a small spark of respect appear behind those piercing eyes.

"You are a risk taker, I take it? Your actions over the last few years would point in that direction."

"When I believe the possibility of the gain offsets the danger of the risk, then yes, I am a risk taker."

"You believed the risk was low enough regarding the cigarette?"

"Your decision has already been made regarding my fate. I seriously doubt that an unauthorized cigarette would alter its outcome."

"And the risk regarding the prank?"

"I believed the risk was minimal when I performed the prank. Where I made my mistake was that I did not factor in the possibility of the unknown."

"And what was the unknown for this particular incident?"

"I did not ascertain the possibility that there would be an unknown third party involved."

"Yet you had admitted to doing the prank before I also mentioned that there was a witness."

"Yes, I freely admitted that I did the prank as I do so now."

"You have been in my office three times in less the same number of days for the same incident. You have had the opportunity to express remorse on each of these occasions. Yet you never have once expressed regret."

"I have nothing but remorse for my idiotic actions and the impact it has had on all of those around me, especially Herr Janning. If it was possible for me to do so, I would reset the clock back to negate it, but I do not possess that power."

"Why do I suspect that you are sorry only because you are about to pay the consequences? That you are like the captured thief, who is not sorry that he has stolen, only very sorry that he is going to jail?"

I looked him straight in the eye, my gaze not faltering in the least. "Sir, you may believe what you wish regarding my remorse. There is nothing more I can say to convince you otherwise."

"I must admit, Dietrich, your sudden turn to honesty and honor is rather refreshing. Perhaps there is a future for you, if not here, perhaps someplace else."

"Sir, I have taken full responsibility for my actions. I will now readily accept your decision on my continuation at this academy, Herr Kommandant." I could feel myself setting my jaw and slightly raising my chin, my stubborn pride refusing me the shame of begging for my position.

I returned my vision to the wall to await my fate. He did not keep me waiting long.

"Yes, I have made a decision has been made regarding your expulsion." His voice was formal and without emotion. I remained at attention, unwavering, waiting for his decision. The pause felt like several minutes, but I knew at the most it was only a few seconds.

"I have known you since you were a child, before you gained admittance to this academy. I have witnessed you age into adulthood without any maturity accompanying it. You obviously were spoiled and coddled as a child due to your overly indulgent mother. I believe this is the reason behind your lifetime of poor behavior and hooliganism.

"Until you enrolled here, I held my tongue as a courtesy since your parents are dear friends of mine. I considered it their business as to how they were raising their son, no matter how misjudged I believed it to be.

"However, your actions at this academy are now my business. I am responsible for leading this institution and those attending it. My sole purpose is to create outstanding officers for the German army to the utmost of my ability.

"I have judged you strictly on your actions since you arrived as a cadet over three years ago. I firmly placed aside everything I had previously witnessed when you were growing up, and allowed you to begin with a clean history. For me to have done otherwise would have been unethical and unfair towards you.

"It is my responsibility to both you and this institution which forces me to act at this time. You have broken my trust and expectations of how a cadet should act. Your poor actions are a reflection against myself, this academy and most importantly, Germany."

Schnass paused to allow his words to sink in. How could he possibly believe I had been coddled by my mother? I viewed both my parents, including my mother, as strict and no nonsense.

"You are arrogant and self-possessed to a fault. This arrogance, this belief that you are better than your peers, has now led to your downfall."

I forced myself to silently agree with him. I could not deny the truth of his words.

"These are not the traits Germany is seeking in its future military officers. All men should have pride. Pride is necessary for success and self-esteem, but there is a difference between pride and arrogance.

"Needless to say, you are someone who needs to be put in his place."

I held my breath staring straight ahead. I now knew my fate. Suddenly, it became very important for me to remain at the Academy. Perhaps it was due to the reality that my position was about to be taken away from me. Or, perhaps it was due to the arrogance that both Schnass and I agreed that I possessed.

Or maybe, I had finally admitted to myself that I truly wanted to be a soldier, and had wanted to be one since I was a child. I wanted this, not because of my father or my heritage, but for me. As much as I always blamed my father for forcing me into this profession, I now realized this had been a decision I had freely made.

"I have made the decision to allow you to continue at this academy."

I could not prevent myself from a sharp intake of breath at his words, before regaining my composure.

"However, there are conditions for your continuation. And there is no negotiation regarding my conditions."

Schnass' words were rapid, barely allowing me time to comprehend them.

"You will receive a failing grade for the class involved and you will no longer attend it. During the class' meeting time, you will continue to work in the stables as a common laborer. You will also work at the stable during your normally scheduled riding class. You will be confined to the Academy grounds, until the next term. Finally, you are to apologize to Herr Janning formally in front of the class Monday morning."

Listening, it occurred to me that this was a small price to pay for a second chance.

"If these conditions are unacceptable to you, you are more than free to leave here. I hear that the Schutzstaffel is recruiting and perhaps you would find it a better fit there than here in the traditional army. They are not as particular regarding honor and integrity." Schnass looked at me for my reaction.

The slap against my character was unmistakable. I accepted that I deserved it.

To allow myself some self-worth, my pride forced me to wait a few moments before I replied.

"I fully accept your conditions, Sir."

"Dietrich, I want to frankly say that if this is the beginning of your military career, than it will be black indeed. My original intent was to immediately expel you due to your dangerous, asinine and immature behavior. I believe you are a poor fit for this academy and for the Wehrmacht.

"I do not believe that you currently have the character necessary to be an officer and to successfully lead your men into combat or, to make the difficult decisions regarding their lives." Schnass shook his head. "If this is how you act in the controlled confines of a learning institution, how will you perform on the battlefield, in the heat of combat when the situation is the most difficult?"

"It will be necessary you to make long term strategic plans while also making instant decisions as the combat situation is constantly developing. You have not demonstrated this ability.

"I am of the opinion that that it is most unfortunate that you are the sole male Dietrich to carry on your family's military heritage."

Under his criticism, I drew myself up straighter. I found truth in his words. As much as it pained me, I needed to accept them in order to show that I was worthy.

"Your intent must now be to prove me wrong of that thought, that you do indeed possess the necessary merits to succeed in the future and to overcome your shortcomings.

"Lastly, I want you to be aware that your continuation here is only due to the intervention of your father."

"My father?" The news was a bitter pill to swallow. I had wanted to escape his influence my entire life and now I was even more deeply entrenched in it.

"Your father has personally vouched for your future behavior and has covered the costs to repair the lecture hall. Not to mention that Erich has also made a substantial contribution to the Academy as a goodwill gesture. You should be grateful for his support and actions at this critical time in your life."

I couldn't stop the grimace at his words. While I could feel remorse and responsibility, I could not manage gratitude towards my father.

The expression was not lost on Schnass. "It is only as a courtesy to him, as a friend and as a fellow soldier, and to the memory of your late grandfather, that I have allowed for you to remain. You could do worse than to emulate your father. I am astonished at your ungratefulness towards him. You have rejected everything your father has done for you."

No, my continuation was purchased with a payoff of desperately needed hard currency. It was not about the money at all. Schnass only accepted the bribe because it came from my father. I doubted Schnass would have accepted it from anyone else.

"I am not my father." My voice had a hard edge to it as I spoke the words firmly. I was the only person who would determine my aspirations and bring them to fruition through determination and hard work. I alone was in control of my destiny, no one else.

"Well, for once we are in agreement, Dietrich. You most certainly are not your father. Your father is one of the best men that I have ever had the honor of knowing, on the battlefield or off". He inclined his head in judgement. "You are nothing more than a hot-headed, arrogant, self-centered child. You have a long way to go before you are even a man. Much less one like your father."

I remained silent. My father's intervention was the last thing I had wanted, and if anything, it only served to underline Schnass' frank assessment of me. As my father had maintained, I had been unable to right the situation on my own.

"Perhaps, just perhaps Dietrich, you will surprise me.

"I now have free rein over you, Dietrich. I plan to use this to my upmost advantage to turn you into a useful and upstanding officer to serve Germany. With the changes in Germany, the Army's future will be dependent on young men who can rise above challenges. In order to secure our future, I expect the best from my cadets and I will expect even more from you to exceed my already high expectations."

My stomach tightened at his words. I realized that Schnass would now have utter and complete control and dominance of my life until, or if, I should graduate.

"You haven't worked and struggled enough in your life. It is now time for you to stop dwelling on yourself that you carry with such pride. Instead, I will teach you to be humble and carry yourself with humility.

"You will now begin devoting your life to something higher than merely yourself. You will gain honor by serving others with selfless service. You will learn not to compromise your integrity for any price or to sacrifice your character for position or power. I _will_ transform you, Dietrich. You will never again bring shame upon the uniform you wear.

"By the time I am finished with you, you will believe work is more fun than play and will have little desire for anything else."

Schnass' gaze was sharp, his eyes piercing as he studied me. I could see his fixed determination to mold me into something significant or to break me while trying to meet his impossible high standards.

I could sense the meeting coming to an end. There was nothing else he could possibly say. I stood there, waiting to be dismissed.

"And Dietrich?"

"Sir?"

"There will be no second chances forthcoming after this. If you should waste this opportunity, there will not be another one offered, not even if your father should again intervene on your behalf. Do I make myself understood?"

I could only give him a curt nod.

"I didn't hear you."

"Yes," I managed in a hoarse voice.

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, Sir, I understand that I will have no further chances beyond this one you have so graciously granted me."

"You are dismissed."


	9. 23 Oktober 1933

I waited outside Janning's temporary lecture hall until the other students had filed in. Several gave me side looks from the corner of their eyes without speaking to me. Although Schnass' orders for me to be ostracized had been lifted the previous evening, most of my fellow cadets were taking no chances. They knew that Schnass was still seeking the other perpetrators and they did not want to be implicated by association.

I heard the class settle down and I knew Janning must have entered the lecture hall. I took a deep breath and entered the classroom.

The classroom immediately fell silent. I could feel the tension and anticipation surrounding me. The news of my continuing enrollment and punishment had somehow become common knowledge. I had informed no one, not even Matthias, but I heard students I only remotely knew commenting on it last night. I could only wonder if Schnass had purposely leaked the details, wanting to control how the information would be released.

The silence continued as I stood in front of Janning. It was the first time I had seen him since the day of the prank. I felt even more remorse when I saw him. His injuries looked worse than how they had been described to me.

Janning stood there with his arms bandaged, the anger barely contained on his lacerated face. I believed at that moment he felt angrier at me for the disrespect to his teaching ability than for the actual deed.

I clicked my heels as I came to attention.

"Sir. I fully accept responsibility for what I have done and the punishment that has been given to me. I realize what I did was wrong and foolhardy. Not only was the incident dangerous to you and the other students, it also was a belittling and insulting act towards you. Words cannot possibly express the remorse and regret that I feel for what I have done to hurt you. While it is impossible for me to undo my actions, I want to remedy the incident. What can I do for you, the class and the Academy?"

I continued to stand at attention waiting for him to reply. Janning did not speak for several moments and I could feel the tension increasing in the lecture hall. The silence was worse than if he was berating or even striking me.

Believing he was not going to answer, I started to leave when he finally spoke.

"Dietrich, there is nothing you can say nor do which will erase what you have done to me, your fellow cadets and this academy. I believe you are merely mouthing words which have no sincere meaning behind them. You are only saying them because you have been ordered to do so as a condition of your continued enrollment.

"You are an embarrassment to a fine institution which has been my honor to teach at for several years. The purpose of this academy is to train you to become an elite military officer serving with honor while also providing you with a strong educational background. I believe you will never succeed as a competent German officer or as anything else for that matter. In fact, I pity the poor soldiers who should be so unfortunate to have you as their commanding officer. God knows how you will act in the stress of battle."

I felt my face immediately flush at his frank words. However, I stood there and accepted his belittling.

"It is because of young people such as yourself Germany is experiencing such an upheaval. You are no better than those brown shirted hooligans which are currently ruling the streets and sending Germany down a destructive path.

"If I had my druthers, you would be in jail, but it is obvious what prevented that from happening." He paused for his words to have impact.

Yes, everyone knew the reason and I was positive I would never be allowed to forget it until my dying day. I wanted to hate my father at that moment, but I was unable to do so. The professor could take comfort that my future living punishment would be worse than being incarcerated.

"It is my wish to never have the misfortune of being in your presence again. Now leave my classroom and do not return."

I bowed slightly in respect to him, the least I could give him at my final moment as his student.

"Herr Janning."

I received no response from him. I clicked my heels and left his lecture hall for the final time.


	10. November - Dezember 1933

My father was a decisive man. Once he had made a decision, he rarely changed it.

I received no further correspondence from him during the remainder of my time at the Academy. He had been in the habit of sending me occasional letters, but now I received nothing.

Surprisingly, it was at this time I truly wanted my father to write to me. I found myself eagerly looking forward to the mail delivery each day, only to be disappointed when I received nothing from him. I found myself missing his letters although I had previously taken no interest in them.

It occurred to me that perhaps he was hoping for the same from me. I once attempted to write him a short note, but after staring at the blank page for over an hour, I surrendered to the inevitable. I could think of nothing to write except the obvious apology.

At this point, I was unable to say or place those words on paper to my father. I tried to convince myself that apologizing by letter would be easier than facing him personally. I could merely jot down a few lines, seal the envelope, and post it. End of story. My relationship with him would continue on as before, as strained as it was.

But I knew writing a letter was taking the coward's path, and couldn't bring myself to do it. The apology, in order to be truly meaningful, would need to be done in person. I doubted if my father would accept less from me. I certainly could not.

My mother was silent for almost a month before she attempted to be the peacemaker between my father and me. I was unsure how much my father had shared with her although she must have known about the disastrous prank. I sincerely doubted if he had shared my unintentional words regarding her, the insulting words towards him, or just the general unpleasantness of our entire episode.

I knew that while my parents enjoyed a strong marriage, my father could be rather traditional when it came to protecting my mother from distasteful issues. He actually kept very little from her, only the items he believed it was unnecessary for her to know. Not that she did not eventually discover the details, mind you. And when she did, my father always paid a steep price.

Even Liesl was aware something serious had happened with my father. She was attending St. Hilda's in Oxford, England, but my mother must have informed her of my current difficulties. In Liesl's usual frank and upfront style, she sent me a blunt note containing only two words heavily underlined:

 _ **What Happened?**_

I responded to her note a few weeks later, telling her about the prank, but omitting the sordid details regarding Meyer and Krystyna.

Liesl quickly clarified that she meant what had happened between our father and me, not the prank. She had always dismissed and waved away the tension I held with him. Liesl frequently stated that it was due to our father and me being so much alike, not that we were so different. She firmly believed that once I accepted this fact, we would develop a warm and strong relationship. This time, Liesl must have realized that the situation was extremely serious.

She proceeded to chastise me for attempting such a dangerous prank, even if I thought I knew what I was doing. But in pure Liesl form, she added that aside from the damages and injuries, it must have really woken up the bored to death class. Liesl continued to prattle on about inconsequential female fluff that she knew completely annoyed me but that she always added anyway.

Liesl was receiving excellent grades and yet was able to maintain an active social life. Too active, if you asked me, with too many unnecessary distractions. Liesl was as well liked in England as she was Germany. Her calendar was full of social engagements. She reported that she had had tea a few times with a charming Englishman named Jack, whom she had met at one such function.

I had to curl my lip at the thought of her meeting some scholarly Cambridge pauper for even something as innocent as tea. While I held the English in slightly higher regards than I did Americans, I would have preferred her not to become involved with them in the slightest. While they had never expressed it directly, I knew my parents expected her to marry a German national as they did me.

As her older brother, I had felt it my duty to warn her about men her age. Basically, the only thing crossing our minds regarding young women was how to have sex with them. I was three years her senior, likely around the same age as her "Jack" and the countless others that were seeking her attention. And I knew all too well what young men were capable of doing.

As the weeks passed, it became obvious that I would be excluded from my family's holiday festivities, forcing me to remain at the Academy for the holiday season. While I was hopeful of a reversal of fortune, I accepted the reality. Normally, my mother's letters would be filled with holiday plans weeks in advance. This year, her letters were strangely silent, mentioning nothing regarding the upcoming season.

I felt a growing sense of loneliness and isolation from my family.

Time began to pass very slowly for me. I found myself slipping into a deep depression, unable to pull myself out of it. I was not prone to melancholy, but the confrontation with my father impacted me more than I cared to admit to myself. My poor actions were too much for me to accept, and I did not know how to amend them.

I began having trouble sleeping and I lost my formerly large appetite. I went through the motions of attending my classes, but retained little of what I learned. While I was in no danger of failing them, my class standing began to slip from its previous high level.

Nothing appealed to me or held my interest for long. Even my prior hobbies, sketching or pursuing young women, held no interest for me. I found myself constantly distracted and unable to focus at the task at hand. To make matters worse, I was still confined to the Academy grounds. Although the grounds were large and sprawling with many sports and activities, there was nothing here that enticed me. I began to withdraw from others.

Meyer, of course, took delight in my difficult times.

"Not so high and mighty now, are you Dietrich? You were able to dodge that bullet which had your name on it. Once again, we all know the reason why. You were unable to handle the situation yourself and needed your father to step in and save your sorry ass. Too bad he won't be there when you're in combat as some lowly gefreiter."

Meyer was not the only one to utter such frank words. There were several other cadets who spoke about my near expulsion, a few openly, others in loud whispers which were meant for me to overhear. All of us knew of cadets during our tenure who had been expelled for lesser offenses. It caused much bitterness among some of the cadets that I was being treated differently due to my family connections.

I knew some of their comments stemmed from jealousy, others were just stating the obvious. However, I was ultimately forced to agree with them. I knew it was my father's money and influence which had influenced Schnass. I seriously doubted Schnass personally profited by a pfennig from my father's "generosity", but the Academy certainly did. Schnass had no other mission in life than to continue and maintain the Academy's high standards and reputation during these difficult times. He was willing to release my soul in exchange for funding.

While I had now embraced my family's military tradition, at times I believed the price I was paying was too high. There was a small part of me that wished I had been expelled to put an end to all of this.

Schnass was as good as his words about teaching me to be humble. I was at his demand any time or day of the week except for when I was in class. I became his laborer for any odious task that arose or that he dreamed up in the middle of the night when he had nothing else to occupy him.

I began to dread finding the simple notes slipped under my door ordering me to report to his office. Soon it became the first thing I would look for when I awoke in the morning or when I returned from class in the afternoon. I obsessed about finding the notes, concerned that I might miss one and that Schnass would not believe my explanation of not receiving it.

There were additional summons which were personally delivered to me by Riegel, whose presence I began to loathe. Riegel always seemed embarrassed and apologetic when he would approach me, interrupting whatever I was doing.

My servitude to Schnass began immediately and simply the day following my meeting with him. I was ordered to chop and split wood until I met a certain quota. I worked that day until my hands were blistered and my arms ached. This was repeated whenever Schnass believed the wood supply was running low. When the snow appeared later, I was reassigned to shovel it instead.

When Schnass became bored with me completing these mundane tasks, I was re-assigned to work as a server at the academy's numerous social events.

I had known that Schnass was actively fundraising and constantly maintaining contacts with the military, but not to this extent. It appeared that his professional social calendar was unlimited.

I did everything from serving dinner at major functions to serving coffee at meetings. I would be ordered to stay until they ended and then assist the staff with the clean-up responsibilities afterwards. Inevitably, these events fell on the weekend and took away whatever little free time that I had remaining.

It did not take long before my life was comprised of only going to class, studying, and working. Schnass managed to balance the workload he saddled me with to keep me just busy enough that my studies were not impacted, but that I had no free time. Frequently, I fell into bed exhausted from the day, barely remembering what I had done. While the routine was exhausting, I did find the benefit that the hard and constant physical work soon dissipated my insomnia and revived my appetite.

When I had thought it impossible for Schnass to pile on yet another task, I began chauffeuring him when Riegel was not available. When it seemed that Riegel became less and less available, I strongly suspected that he was taking advantage of my forced servitude.

Chauffeuring by itself was not bad. I was very familiar with the surrounding areas and I was eager for the opportunity to leave the grounds, even if I was working. As Schnass' driver, though, I was expected to open his door, escort him to the events and hold an umbrella over him if it should be raining. I frequently was drenched in the process of keeping Schnass dry and comfortable.

I dreaded the day when I would be required to chauffeur him to meet a woman and then ordered to return later or even worse, wait outside while he visited her. Fortunately, that day did not arrive.

Although Schnass was a widower, he did not appear too old to be interested in taking a second wife. I reluctantly admitted to myself that he could be charming and that his prominent position made him a very desirable prospect to a woman. I witnessed several handsome women who were obviously attracted to him, but he seemed oblivious to their efforts.

Schnass never spoke when I drove except to give me quiet orders. The rest of the time we rode in silence. When he had other guests in the automobile, I was surprised to discover he was an interesting conservationist, able to engage his fellow passengers in lively discussions. Schnass could discuss anything from opera to politics with ease.

Politics were a frequent topic of conversation, especially since the National Socialists had recently taken control of the government. There was a great deal of speculation on how they could impact the military.

At first his guests were hesitant to speak candidly with me in the vehicle, but Schnass quickly availed their fears.

"Your driver, Eberhardt?" they would sometimes ask quietly, concerned they had already been too frank in front of me.

"You need not worry about Dietrich," he would reassure them. "He will keep a confidence."

On one occasion, Schnass provided a ride home from a conference to a drunken one-eyed general. The general was obviously tight and in no condition to drive. Frequently, he would pull a large flask from his pocket and take a drink. He became louder and louder the closer we approached his residence.

"What happened to Riegel? Why isn't he your chauffeur anymore?" The general slurred to Schnass.

"I've begun assigning Riegel to more important responsibilities. I rarely have him performing this type of mundane task anymore."

"Then who is this who replaced him? Hey, you! What's your name, boy?" the general called loudly from the back seat.

I looked in the rear view mirror and made eye contact with him before answering.

"Dietrich, Herr General," I answered coolly. I did not care to be addressed as "boy", even if by a general.

"Dietrich? You couldn't be Erich Dietrich's son, could you?" When I didn't respond, he nudged Schnass in the ribs. "You have Erich's son as your driver?" he loudly whispered to Schnass, before snorting in laughter.

"Yes, among other things, he is a frequent driver for me."

The general laughed loudly again. "A Dietrich that's a chauffeur! I never thought that I would ever see the day. I had heard that the son was nothing like the father, and this proves it. Too bad for Erich that your driver is the one to carry on the Dietrich family name."

The general was still not finished expressing his witty thoughts and finished with the most insulting one. "Erich must be pissing on himself and the grandfather rolling over in his grave at even the thought let alone the reality.

"Though, I suppose that it could be worse, though, eh, Schnass? The boy could be working as a cowboy on some ranch in America!"

Schnass said nothing to refute or rebuke the general.

I drove in an angry silence. I could feel my face burn with embarrassment and my backbone stiffen. I felt like they were discussing me as if I was a potted palm, unable to comprehend their words.

When we arrived at the general's residence, I forced myself to act professionally towards him as if I had heard nothing. I opened the car door for the general and held an umbrella over him to shield him from the rain.

When we reached the door I gave him a slight nod only as a courtesy due to his rank.

"Herr General," I said formally, not waiting for him to reply.

I forced myself to place my anger aside as I returned to the car. Schnass remained silent on the return drive to the Academy, never commenting on the general's words. It was only when we arrived did he finally speak.

"It is not necessary for you to work this Friday's event, Dietrich. There is sufficient staff available for the evening."

"Thank you, Herr Kommandant, for your consideration." I could barely believe it. It would be the first weekend that I had not worked since I had become indentured to Schnass several weeks prior.

Schnass nodded. "Of course, I will need you to play music at a private reception I am hosting Sunday evening."

"Understood, Herr Kommandant." I paused a moment before continuing. "If I may suggest, Herr Kommandant, for me to begin playing early? I believe your guests would enjoy hearing music when they arrive."

Schnass looked at me quickly, his eyebrows raised in surprise for the briefest instant.

"I agree," he answered simply before leaving me on the porch.

My mind began racing as I returned the automobile to the garage. Perhaps my situation was improving. I would much rather play the piano than wait tables at dinner.

On that Friday evening, I dropped into bed exhausted after supper. I blissfully slept until breakfast the next day, happy not to have worked the previous evening's event, and with no fear of having a summons slipped under my door. I felt slightly self-righteous. I believed I had finally won Schnass over and that he had felt some empathy towards me regarding the general's crude comments.

As I had promised, I arrived early Sunday evening to begin playing music. I had always enjoyed playing the piano, and it was something I rarely had time to pursue. The Kommandant had an excellent piano and it was a pleasure to play it. I primarily played classical selections, but when I played a light American ragtime piece, I received stern looks from a few government officials, their scarlet swastikas prominent over their clothing. I promptly returned to the classical pieces.

I was playing after the reception when one of the guests approached me.

"Herr Dietrich, you play beautifully. But there again, all of you Dietrichs are so talented." He laughed lightly.

I smiled at the compliment. "Thank you, Sir."

"As talented as you are at the piano, it is good to see another Dietrich following your family's military service. I was just mentioning the same to your father yesterday evening."

"My father?" I asked puzzled, while I softly continued playing.

"Yes, I saw him Friday, at Eberhardt's fundraiser event. He didn't stop by to see you?"

"No, he did not. I was unaware that he was here," I responded quietly.

"Well, he must have thought that you were busy with your studies and all the activities of being a senior, eh? No time to visit with an old war horse and hear stories you've already heard a dozen times."

I smiled thinly. That might have been the reason once, but it was hardly the reason now.

"Although I myself would hardly call him old," the man continued. "I must say that Erich is looking remarkably fit for a man his age. I don't believe he's aged a day in twenty years. Well, no doubt you will be seeing him soon enough. Please give him my best when you do."

I paused for a moment, processing the information before I resumed playing. Now I had discovered the true reason Schnass had released me from Friday's event: It was due to my father attending the fundraiser. While I had tried to convince myself Schnass was becoming more compassionate to my plight, now I knew his true reason was to avoid placing my father in a difficult situation.

It was a disturbing realization that I forced myself to accept.


	11. 24 Dezember 1933

"I am releasing you for Christmas, Dietrich. When you return, you will no longer be confined to the Academy grounds. You will, however, still remain on probation and required to follow the other statutes I gave you."

I felt a sudden rush of exhilaration. I had survived the first part of my trial and would partially regain my freedom.

"Understood, Herr Kommandant."

"I've been informed that you are remaining here for the holiday break. Given that, you are ordered to report to me at 07:00 the morning of the 27th. Riegel will be visiting his ill grandmother and will not be here for a while. I will need additional assistance from you until he returns. You will be busy enough during his absence."

"Thank you, Sir. I will arrive at the scheduled time as you have ordered." I nodded my head. I would have willingly sold my soul at that moment to be released for the next two heavenly days. I quickly left before Schnass could change his mind.

The grounds were so quiet in the late afternoon. It was no wonder. I was one of the few cadets who remained for the holidays. Normally, I would enjoy the quiet and solitude as a time of reflection, but not tonight. No, I wanted to leave the Academy as soon as possible and I was not particularly in the mood for solitude.

I showered and neatly dressed, wearing civilian clothes for the first time in over two months. I frowned at my reflection. My hair looked unkempt from being forced to use the untalented academy barber located on the grounds.

Off the grounds, I was thankfully able to find a barber open. I had my hair properly cut and also received a professional shave. The scrape of the sharp blade against my skin, along with being wrapped in hot towels was rejuvenating. Looking into the mirror, I was pleased by how I looked. There were still stress lines around my eyes, but at least now I looked presentable.

There was a small café nearby. I ate a heavy meal, having a few glasses of wine with dinner. For the first time since the prank, I felt myself relaxing. From my table, I could see crowds of people hurrying to arrive at their holiday destinations. A moment of sadness and loneliness descended upon me and I decided upon the spur of the moment to attend midnight mass.

The cathedral was not far away and it took me only a few minutes to reach it. I felt a calmness descend upon me when I entered it, the soft choral voices of the nuns reaching out to engulf me. I found an empty pew on the left. Crossing myself, I knelt in prayer.

"Lead me, merciful God, with your spirit. Lead me beyond myself and my own concerns. Lead me to that fruitful land of justice and wholeness, even though the path be through the desert. Lead me through the temptations that assault me that, having been tested, I may be found fit and faithful for your service. I ask in the name of my savior and redeemer, Jesus Christ. Amen."

I met Krystyna's mother when I was leaving the church. It wasn't until the crowd pushed us near each other on the steps that I saw her. She looked worn and tired although I attributed her appearance to the now early morning hour.

I tipped my hat. "Merry Christmas, Frau Vogt."

Krystyna's mother merely nodded in return.

I felt uncomfortable and was about ready to wish her a good evening when I thought I should inquire about Krystyna for politeness sake.

"Is Krystyna with you this evening?" I must have said something wrong because her mother's mouth immediately tightened into a straight line.

"No, she is not. She is in Stockholm, visiting her aunt for an extended stay," Frau Vogt replied tightly.

"In Stockholm for Christmas? I don't remember Krystyna ever mentioning that she had an aunt in…" My sentence remained unfinished because I suddenly understood.

The two of us stood there uncomfortably, not knowing what to say. I finally broke the silence, speaking sincerely.

"Frau Vogt, please forward my warmest regards to Krystyna. I wish her nothing but the best during this time and for her future."

"My daughter cared for you very much, Herr Dietrich. Your thoughts will mean a great deal to her during this difficult time. I will convey them to her the next time I write her." We stood there for a few more moments in awkward silence.

It was Frau Vogt who finally broke it. She cast an eye to the clock across the street. "Would you excuse me, Herr Dietrich? It is late and the daybreak arrives early. Merry Christmas."

"Of course." I bowed to her. "And Merry Christmas to you, Frau Vogt." I remained on the steps, watching her quickly walk away, never turning back.

Krystyna's obvious fate weighed heavy on my mind. She had chosen to make an irreversible and life altering decision to take such a risk with a poor accomplice. She would never be accepted back into the respectable German society. If I was able to connect the situation after just a few brief sentences, then the other eligible bachelors and their all-knowing mothers would make the same judgement. Gossip traveled quickly regarding young women in Berlin, especially in the prominent social areas.

I had also made several poor decisions, but I was now determined to overcome them. I had been given a second chance, something not frequently granted in life. It was one that I was determined not to squander on further foolishness.

I walked the several blocks from the cathedral to Garten Strasse.

My destination was a fashionable house, discreetly located on a side street. I was no stranger to those that lived here, although it had been several months since my last visit.

An impeccably dressed doorman opened the door before I even touched the bell. Lightly bowing, he ushered me inside. I walked into the main room, brightly lit and decorated for the holidays. Couples wandered around and in the background I could hear a piano playing modern music. As soon as she saw me, immediately, a handsome older woman rose from a divan.

"Herr Dietrich. What a pleasure to see you. It has been quite some time since you last graced us with your presence." She greeted me as warmly as if I was a long lost relative.

She held out her hand, and I lightly brushed it with my lips as I clicked my heels together.

"Madame, I can assure that the pleasure is all mine. But I agree with you: It has been too long since I have visited."

"I was beginning to believe that you had found another place to visit. But, you are here now. My sincerest desire is for you to have a memorable sojourn with us tonight as you celebrate the holiday."

"As it is mine," I replied smiling, releasing her hand.

"Are you still attending the Academy, Herr Dietrich? If I remember correctly, you must be finishing up your final year."

"Yes, I will complete my studies in the spring."

"I and everyone here wish you the very best in your future military career. Ah, you young men from the Academy are so strong, so handsome and…so virile. If only I was younger. . . " She looked at me slyly from the corner of her eye and grasped my arm slightly for emphasis.

I could feel my face redden. She was old enough to be my grandmother and I was not accustomed to women of her age speaking such forward words towards me. Despite how uncomfortable as I was, I could not help but laugh at her coquettish comments.

"Madame, I am positive it would be the most pleasurable experience for me."

With a wink, she linked her arm through mine and slowly walked me through the great room stopping only once to speak with a servant.

"Franz, would you be so kind to bring Herr Dietrich a fresh bottle of Jack Daniels and a glass? No ice."

"Of course, Madame," he replied. Franz gave me a knowing look and immediately left on his errand

"You remember," I said, smiling.

"Of course I remember! I would be a poor hostess if I was unable to remember the drink preferences of my guests, wouldn't you agree?" I merely gently squeezed her arm in agreement. We continued walking across the room towards a side area.

"I would also a poor hostess if I did not to remember your other preferences as well. Dark blondes, yes?"

Normally, I would have given her an affirmation, but not tonight. It was not necessary for the Madam to ask me twice. I knew who I desired. One woman had already caught my eye from across the room, but she was not a blonde.

"Thank you, but not a dark blonde tonight. The redhead wearing the green peignoir," I immediately answered. There was something about her that had transfixed me for an unknown reason.

"Ah! I was unaware that you are attracted to redheads. I will need to remember for the future when you favor us with your presence again."

I almost corrected her. I had never been attracted to redheads before, but the woman who caught my eye was beautiful with those bright, coppery locks. I found the woman stunning and I was instantly attracted to her. There was something about those long legs and that hair that I could not resist as soon as I had noticed her. Her thick red hair accented her ivory skin, giving it a luminesce that I noticed even from half-way across the room.

"I was not before, but I am now," I briefly explained. Oh God, was I ever.

"You have excellent taste in women, Herr Dietrich. She is certainly one of my most beautiful young ladies."

"She is a striking woman. Is she new to the house? I am positive that I would have remembered her from my previous visits."

"She arrived shortly after your last visit. But it doesn't really matter, does it? I assure you that you will enjoy her company for tonight."

"Until the morning," I gently corrected her.

"That can be arranged," she said, suddenly all business. "Please let me have the pleasure of introducing you to Fraulein Irene."

"Irene?" I found the name unusual. I had not heard it before and it definitely did not sound Germanic.

"Her name is different, is it not? It is because she is an American woman.

"An American?" I frowned, nearly but not quite, put off.

"Your taste for America is only for her whiskey and does not transfer over to her women?" Madame looked amused.

"I am positive that you would agree that there is a major difference between whiskey and women."

"Perhaps you should make an exception on this one occasion, Herr Dietrich. Not only is she beautiful, but she is also highly educated and she speaks excellent German."

I hesitated before answering.

"I do not particularly care for Americans."

"Does anyone?" She laughed. "But I can assure you that I have received nothing but the highest praise for her company. If you are disappointed with her in anyway, then consider her entertainment as my Christmas present to you."

I hesitated at her offer. I found myself wavering over a desire for a very beautiful woman and a personal dislike I was probably unfairly transferring to her.

Madame shrugged. "Or, if you should prefer a different lady, there are several who I believe would love to make your acquaintance."

At that moment, Franz appeared with my drink. I downed the whiskey smoothly in a single take, replacing the glass on his tray next to the bottle.

Franz raised his eyebrows slightly. "May I offer you another refill, Herr Dietrich?"

"Thank you, but not at this moment," I replied.

"Very good, Herr Dietrich, I will make arrangements to have the bottle sent to your room."

I did not even look at Franz as he silently melted away. My eyes were only on the woman. I made the decision to take the risk.

"No, the American redhead will not be an issue," I finally assured the madam. "If you would be so kind to introduce us?"

The madam caught the American's eye, gave a slight nod and Irene soon made her way to us. Through the side slit in her gown, I caught a glimpse of the legs that gave the length to her frame.

"Fraulein Irene, may I introduce you to Herr Hans Dietrich."

"Herr Dietrich," the girl said simply, with a genuine smile.

I frankly eyed her, not ashamed of my action in the least.

She was a few years older than me, although not significantly. Not that her age concerned me. It would not be the first time I had been with a woman older than myself. I found that they possessed a delightful maturity and confidence that the majority of younger women lacked.

Irene's large green eyes were accented by the color of her gown turning them into emeralds. I could see across her nose, faint against her skin, the lightest speckling of freckles. Her hair was casually pinned up, allowing several tendrils to escape. They framed her face, accenting the high cheek bones and creamy skin.

Madam looked at me. "You are pleased, Herr Dietrich?"

I nodded. Yes, to say that I was pleased with her would have been an understatement.

"Fraulein Irene. I will very much enjoy making your acquaintance."

"It will be my pleasure. Perhaps in a place more private?" Her dark eyes were dazzling in their expectation and seduction.

I lightly kissed the madam on both cheeks, thanking her for the assistance. The fraulein offered me her arm and led me gently away. I was conscious of her body lightly pressed against mine as she casually escorted me up the stairs to her room.

"You are a long way from home, Fraulein. What brings you to Berlin?"

"I am working on my master's thesis," she replied in perfect German, with hardly an accent. Thank God she did not have that grating nasally accent most American's possessed. I was immediately impressed with her education. For a woman to be working on a graduate degree she must be intelligent indeed.

"You must have a very interesting thesis to be working at Madame's." I was rewarded with a deep laugh from her.

"Yes, it would be, wouldn't it? Actually, my thesis is on German architecture. The funding for my research grant disappeared before I was able to complete it. For me to finish my thesis, I needed to find a new monetary source, so here I am. While it is not a standard choice for a graduate student, it does pay better than if I chose to be a governess or teaching English to secondary students."

"You have a strong fortitude, Fraulein, to overcome such a difficult situation. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors."

Irene's room was at the end of the hallway. It was large and opulent, lit only by a fireplace and a few scattered candles. However, I had eyes only for her.

She stepped out of her slippers and stood in front of me for a moment, giving me the opportunity to gaze at her.

I went to her and slipped the peignoir from her shoulders, allowing it to fall gently to the floor. I noticed the only other items she was wearing was a garter belt with sheer stockings.

I reached behind her and removed the ornate pin holding up her hair. Her hair cascaded down past her shoulders in thick waves. I ran my hands through it, arranging it as I liked it, savoring its silkiness.

The soft glow of the fire had turned her porcelain skin translucent. I relished the sight of her body for a brief moment before an intense hunger overcame me.

I began kissing Irene deeply, my kisses growing in abandonment as she returned them eagerly. I began kissing her body, traveling down her neck and shoulders. I bent down to kiss her breasts, and as a moan escaped her, she pressed her body against mine.

I wrapped her in my arms, savoring the taste of her kisses. She tasted of strawberries and champagne, of freshness and newness. There was a faint hint of an expensive perfume which only accented her natural scent. She began touching me seductively, increasing my excitement.

My hands began traveling down her firm body, enjoying the warmth of her silky skin underneath my touch. My hands reached her thighs, pausing on the bare skin above her stockings. I deftly unfastened her garters, before sliding the stockings down and off her long legs, leaving her wearing only the garter belt. I released the stockings and they floated softly downwards to nestle comfortably on her gown.

I slipped my hands into her garter belt and roughly crushed her to me, savoring the feel of her body with my hands.

"My God, you are beautiful," I murmured to her. At this moment, the only thing I desired was to be in her bed until morning and to die between her thighs.

An excitement built inside of me and I could wait no longer to have her.

I swept her up in my arms and finally kicked the door shut to keep her to myself. She might belong to any man willing to pay her price, but tonight she would belong only to me.

I left late the next morning. I was surprisingly well rested after a night of insatiable sex and little sleep. Why I was not exhausted was beyond me. Perhaps it was the good sex, I said to myself with a grin.

The streets were beginning to come to life again. I noticed couples walking together, arm in arm. There were families with tired children in tow, no doubt worn out and cranky from the festivities over the last several days.

The Academy was still fairly deserted, but I noticed a few other cadets had already returned. I went directly to my room, without speaking to anyone. My quarters were dark and uninviting. I immediately opened the drapes and threw open the window, to admit fresh air and the natural light. I stood there enjoying the view for several minutes before I decided to lay down for a few minutes.

I lit a cigarette and gently blew plumes of smoke to the ceiling as I reflected on the past two months. The time had passed quickly. I could only speculate on the upcoming months and what they would bring. One way or another, it would all be over within five months.

I stubbed out the cigarette and crossed my arms under my head. The breeze was causing the drapes to gently wave. The movement was very hypnotic and I felt my eyes begin to grow heavy. In just a few seconds, I fell into a deep sleep.


	12. 27 Dezember 1933 - 31 Dezember 1933

I reported promptly at 07:00 as ordered to Schnass' office. I had been up late studying and was half asleep with fatigue. Needless to say, I would have preferred spending my holiday break elsewhere than working with Schnass so early in the morning. The other cadets who were on the grounds were still blissfully sleeping, oblivious to my world.

Schnass wasted no time in getting down to business. I forced myself to comprehend his words through the fog of my sleep deprivation.

"Although classes are in recess, Dietrich, you will be busy enough until they resume. You will be assisting me during Riegel's absence, as I mentioned before Christmas. I have much work that needs to be accomplished in a very short time frame.

"Given this, it will be more efficient if you temporarily move into my residence until Riegel returns. It will be easier for the both of us."

At his words I became instantly awake. My situation was quickly going from bad to worse. The last thing I wanted was to live under Schnass' roof, even if it was for only a few days. I was quite comfortable in the cadet residence hall among my friends. I had no desire to be even more under Schnass' control.

I forced myself to remain calm and think of a solution, any solution to alleviate this from happening.

"Sir, I believe you would agree that I have proven myself to be reliable. I can assure you that I will available anytime you require my service."

"Yes, Dietrich, I will give you credit for showing a tendency for reliability. However, you have not yet earned my trust. I have made my decision: You will be staying in my residence. I will instruct my housekeeper to ready a room for your immediate occupancy. You are then to begin working at Riegel's desk within the hour. He mentioned that there were a few things he was unable to complete before he left."

"As you wish, Sir," I said through clenched teeth

I cursed Riegel under my breath as I left Schnass' office. If he had chosen another time to visit his ailing grandmother, if she even existed, I would not be in this situation. Besides just studying, I had hoped to enjoy my lifted curfew over the next weeks before classes resumed. Those fanciful daydreams were now replaced with the harsh nightmares of living with Schnass. Hopefully, Riegel's work would not take me long to complete and I would once again have my freedom.

With little time to spare, I quickly returned to my room and packed enough items for the next few days. I proceeded to the Kommandant's residence, a beautiful stately house surrounded by mature trees.

I had barely rang the bell when the door was thrown open by Schnass' housekeeper. I gallantly swept off my cover and gave her my most charming smile as I spoke in a low voice to her.

"Ah, Fraulein Rosen," I fairly purred, leaning close to her. "You look even lovelier today than your namesake. To be in your presence so early in the morning bodes well for the rest of my day."

"Herr Dietrich!" she said breathlessly, her cheeks quickly flushing. "Such boldness, and on the steps of Herr Kommandant's house! What would he say if he saw you here?"

"His jealously would render him mute. Besides, Kommandant Schnass was the divine providence who sent me to you. And just imagine that I will be with you for the next few days." She burst out laughing with a large guffaw from my bold words.

"Seriously, Herr Dietrich," she continued. "It is not appropriate for you to be here."

"How could it not be appropriate for the two of us? I could think of nothing more normal," I asked, enjoying teasing her, leaning even closer to be near her.

"Why, you must use the servant's entrance in the future. Herr Kommandant would not be pleased for you to use the main entrance."

"The servant's entrance?" I asked puzzled, pulling back from her. I had always entered his residence through the main door.

"Of course, the servant's entrance! Herr Kommandant has already informed me that you are to be a servant here for the foreseeable future. I have been instructed to treat you as such during your residency. This one time, though, will be our secret," she added with a giggle and a flutter of eyelashes.

My gaiety dimmed at her words. I had never been class conscious before though I came from a wealthy family. But to use the servant's entrance? I never thought I would be ordered to use it.

"Come now, Herr Dietrich, and I will show you to your room. We've had enough fun for so early in the day. It is now time to begin working."

Fraulein Rosen was only a few centimeters shorter than myself and looked like she could easily plow a field without bothering with the horse. There was no doubt in my mind who would win if the two of us should have a friendly match of arm wrestling.

The woman had been in the Schnass' employment for quite some time. She was the personification of German efficiency and it was no secret that she had a heavy influence on Schnass. There were frequent snickers among the cadets about the two of them being lovers, something that I knew to be so far from the truth, that I would roll my eyes at the suggestion.

I grew to know Fraulein Rosen well over my years at the academy. Most of the students thought she was brusque and cold, but I knew her as a woman who had a soft and compassionate side if you knew how to tap into it. I always used the term "Fraulein" with her, suggesting that she was a young girl instead of the elderly widow that she was. When I first used the title with, her eyebrows had arched even higher (if that was possible), but she gradually warmed up to my charm.

I had much practice since our paths crossed frequently over the last three years.

"Ah, Herr Dietrich. What brings you to Herr Kommandant this time?" she would cluck softly to me. "Have you been up to no good? Again?

I would lean close towards her and speak in a low, husky whisper, "Perhaps I make excuses so I may have a reason for being in your lovely presence?" She would soon blush furiously and begin laughing.

Fraulein Rosen's loud voice returned me to the present.

"Herr Kommandant's instructions were very precise regarding your stay here. You believe you will be here for just a few days? Hardly. Your stay will be more like a few weeks. Herr Riegel is not scheduled to return until January 14th. Now let me show you to your room."

I felt myself sinking even lower. A few days had now been extended into a few weeks.

I followed Fraulein Rosen to the second story. She stopped at a narrow linen closet and removed bedding which she promptly piled unto my arms. We proceeded to the end of the hallway where she unlocked a narrow door. I thought it would lead to a bedroom, but I was surprised to see a flight of narrow stairs leading steeply upwards.

"Your room is upstairs," Fraulein Rosen said, indicating the stairs. "There is a small lamp located inside the door on a nightstand. Be careful not to start a fire with it. Needless to say, there is no smoking allowed."

My wonder began to turn into suspicion. What type of room was up there?

"There is a small utility room here you may use to wash in. You will take your meals with the staff instead of at the cadet dining residence. The meals will be in the servants' room off the kitchen. Breakfast is at 06:30, dinner at 11:00, and supper at 16:30.

"Your promptness is expected at meal times. We are all in service here and have many duties. There is no time to wait for dawdlers," she firmly reminded me. "Now, I'll let you settle into your room. I realize you have much work to complete over the next few weeks with Herr Kommandant."

The "room" Fraulein Rosen referenced was little more than a drafty alcove located under the eaves in the attic, piled high with crates and boxes. There was one small window opaque with dirt which allowed a small amount of light to enter. The sole lighting source came from the oil lamp located on a wooden box.

The flimsy cot was too small for my tall frame and it was impossible for me to stand upright without hitting my head on the rafters. Luckily, the roof appeared sound and it was unlikely that I would be rained upon. There was no heating source and I would need to make do with the few blankets Fraulein Rosen had provided me. Looking at my dismal quarters, I would have preferred sleeping in the stable loft, where at least it was warm and the hay was soft.

I turned to leave when I heard the light scurrying of small paws. Mice, I cursed under my breath. I immediately made a mental note not to mention them to Fraulein Rosen. The last thing I wanted was to be promoted to Royal Rat Catcher by Schnass. I would force myself to live with them for the next few weeks.

The door to Schnass' office was closed when I returned. At first I thought he had left, but then I occasionally would hear his voice speaking on the telephone.

Riegel's desk was neat and organized. I saw no indications of any outstanding work that needed to be completed. After sitting there for a few moments, I began opening the file cabinets, but they were mostly empty. I noticed at a glance that the information they did contain was filed chaotically in no discernible order.

I was puzzled. Where was all of Riegel's work? As Schnass' adjutant, he must have more duties than to just complete miscellaneous tasks. And I had already assumed several of them. There was little evidence here to support a high task load of additional responsibilities.

I began to smile to myself. Perhaps this assignment would be light duty and not as bad as I feared.

I decided to check the desk drawers to ensure nothing was overlooked. I tried to open a drawer, but it was stuck fast and wouldn't budge despite all my efforts. I finally placed my boot against the desk for leverage and pulled with all my strength.

With a loud crack, the drawer finally gave way, showering me with papers. I quickly looked over at Schnass' door. Except for a momentary pause in his conversation, he did not appear to investigate the commotion. The broken drawer would have to wait until later. I had more important matters that needed my focus.

I had now discovered Riegel's "unfinished" work and "filing" system.

I stared at the disorder around me. The drawer must have been stuffed to the maximum, blocking its opening. The other drawers were in a similar state. I pried each of them open, heaping their contents onto the floor.

What an unmitigated disaster.

I turned my attention to the significant mound of paper. My thoughts of an easy few weeks quickly vanished. It would me take some time to work through all this paperwork. I would then need to develop a real filing system so the work could be easily accessed.

I sarcastically hoped Riegel would appreciate all my efforts. He will have enjoyed a relaxing holiday with his "ill grandmother" while I had spent my holiday time completing his work.

I began opening and sorting the paper into piles as I reviewed them. What I found caused me to shake my head in disbelief.

There was various types of correspondence addressed to Schnass dating back several months. Some were social in nature while others were regarding Academy business. There were even follow up requests asking if the initial letters had been received. Riegel must have been extremely deft to be able to hide the situation from Schnass for such an extended period. Several letters contained donations for fund raising events held over the last year. I recognized several of the donors as friends of my parents.

Riegel undoubtedly had meant to keep the correspondence current, but the situation had probably quickly overwhelmed him. I speculated that he completed the bare minimum of the correspondence to keep Schnass from becoming suspicious.

Riegel must have hidden the work in the drawers hoping it would quietly disappear. This methodology had worked out in the end for Riegel. It now fell upon me to make order from his chaos.

I threaded a sheet of paper into a typewriter. I stared at it, not knowing what to say or where to begin. I started to imagine Schnass' voice, how I believed he would respond to each letter. I frowned to myself. No, that would not suffice. Something livelier was needed.

I continued staring at the blank paper.

Inspiration finally struck me. I would enhance what I believed Schnass' formal reply would be by adding my own personal touch. Yes, I decided, this approach would do nicely.

My first letters were tentative before they became bolder as I worked my way through the stack. I wrote friendly and gallant responses to the women. For the ladies I knew through my parents, I included friendly comments on their children, their geranium gardens, and so on. For the men, I referenced their businesses, engagements from their military service, among other things.

My responses regarding donations were overflowing with gratitude. Each included a heart-felt appreciation of the giver's generosity along with a description on how the funds would be used.

I worked steadily until dinner. Schnass still had not appeared from his office. I left the completed letters and the tabulated donations on my desk, intending to discuss them with him when I returned.

Schnass must have emerged from his office during my absence. The completed letters were signed with his thin scrawl of a signature. They were on my desk along with a scribbled "See Me" note.

Not knowing what to expect, I took a deep breath before I knocked softly on his door.

"You requested to see me, Herr Kommandant?"

"Yes, Dietrich. Your responses to the letters will suffice for the time being. Have them posted this afternoon. I noticed that several were overdue. I'm unsure how Riegel could have overlooked them," he added, frowning.

I said nothing, though I knew that it was hardly an oversight on Riegel's part.

"In addition to the remaining documents, I have a few more items which need to be handled." He then proceeded to hand me a stack of unopened letters. It was almost as thick as what I had already processed.

I had to restrain myself from sighing. Despite a morning's worth of work, I had returned to my original starting point.

Schnass reached into a drawer and pulled out a sizeable financial ledger.

"You will need to enter the donation deposits into this ledger. It is critical for you to meticulously record them. The ledger will be reconciled with our financial offices. The trustees frequently request to review the donation records. We need to be transparent in case of an audit.

"You must also deposit them daily at the bank. We are not to have any funds left lying around the office. You may use my automobile to travel to the bank and for other official errands I may assign you. Keep in mind that it is not to be used for any other purposes. I would hate to receive news that you were seen gallivanting around Berlin in my automobile."

"I understand, Herr Kommandant."

"That will be all." I turned to leave when he called after me, stopping me.

"One more thing, Dietrich."

"Sir?"

"Do you know stenography?"

"Stenography? As in the shorthand used by secretaries?" I asked warily. I did not care for where I assumed his questioning was heading.

"Exactly. Well, do you?" he pressed impatiently.

"No, Sir. I do not." I was fluent in several languages, but stenography was not one of them. Why wasn't he interested in a skill I did possess?

"Learn it. It will assist you with my correspondence since I prefer to dictate my actual responses. I will allow you a few weeks to become familiar with it. Later, I will also have you take notes in various meetings that I chair."

I could feel my face set become hard and impassive. The few days I thought I would be originally working for Schnass had turned into a few weeks. Now, Schnass was implying that even those few weeks were being stretched out to a lengthier term of indefinite servitude. I would be required to work in closer and closer proximity with Schnass. This close working relationship was the furthest thing that I had desired.

"And Dietrich? Don't look so solemn. It shouldn't be that difficult to learn if Riegel was able to master it. Check his bookcases. His stenography book is probably there somewhere."

I continued working steadily throughout the day handling the paperwork. I left only once in the early afternoon to make the bank deposits. When I returned, additional mail had been placed on my desk to be processed.

I was quickly beginning to understand how Riegel fell so far behind. The mail was unceasing and seemed impossible to manage. And this was only my first day. I still had two weeks at least remaining of this assignment.

At 16:00, Schnass casually informed me to bring his automobile around since he had an early supper reservation. While he enjoyed a fine meal, I was forced to wait outside with the other drivers. An overhang provided us little protection from the biting wind and freezing rain. I was fortunate that the other drivers were kind enough to share their flasks with me. The liquor allowed me to remain half-way comfortable.

Schnass' supper was leisurely and we did not return until after 20:00. The late hour had caused me to miss my own supper. When I walked Schnass to the door, he ordered me to report promptly at 06:00 tomorrow morning. Schnass curtly explained that he desired all outstanding paperwork to be made current before he left on a short holiday for New Year's.

I was not pleased with the revised reporting time. I immediately realized that I would now be missing breakfast. The earliest possible meal I could now obtain would be dinner tomorrow – a full day since my last meal.

I was very chilled when I finally returned from parking the automobile in the garage. I forced myself to wash up in the utility room even though it only had a cold water tap. Generally, I preferred bathing with cold water, but tonight I had dearly wanted a hot shower to warm me up. I did not look forward to shaving with the frigid water early the next morning.

I was busier the next day than I had been the prior, if that was even possible. The added burden was that I was now constantly answering Schnass' multitude of demands. Schnass interrupted me for various tasks. All of which that he wanted completed immediately. I was forced to continually reprioritize my duties based on what he kept adding to my workload, analyzing and prioritizing by which duty was now the most important.

The one positive of the day was that I finally was able to eat a full meal. I wolfed down my dinner that afternoon, the first time I had eaten in twenty-four hours. I cared little for how the other servants eyed my poor manners with disdain. I ate as much as I could, not knowing when I would have the opportunity to do so again.

There was little variance for the next two days. Schnass was constantly interrupting me, inquiring about the status of my assignments and various projects. It was impossible for me to complete any work. With Schnass never at his desk, I doubted he was accomplishing any work, either.

I finally found it necessary to speak with Schnass regarding the disruptions.

"Herr Kommandant, I fully understand your orders and their associated deadlines. It is not necessary for you to question their status continuously. I will notify you immediately if I do not understand your orders. I will also promptly deliver the projects to you when I complete them. I believe this arrangement will facilitate both of us working more efficiently."

I expected to receive a berating from Schnass. Instead, the corners of his mouth raised slightly to give him the faintest appearance of a smile. He then instructed me to "carry on". I was left to work in relative peace afterwards.

My melancholy returned briefly on New Year's Eve. I had driven Schnass to the depot for him to catch his train. His timing was perfect for me to miss supper. I contemplated stopping for a late meal, but I remembered Schnass' warning about using his automobile for unofficial purposes. This was a risk I was not prepared to take.

I was free to leave the grounds to celebrate the holiday, but I found myself not wanting to leave, not even to visit Irene. Staying out late to celebrate was not realistic. I was due to report tomorrow at 07:00 even though it was the holiday. Knowing Schnass, he would telephone to confirm that I was at my desk working.

My mood and the dim light made my Spartan quarters seem even more dismal. I remembered past New Year's Eves and how I had joyfully celebrated them with my family, drinking excellent champagne, eating a huge feast.

My family was socially active at the holidays and my parents always threw a lavish New Year's Eve gala. They opened up the estate's ballroom to their extensive circle of friends. I had especially looked forward to this year's event. Since I was a graduating senior, my parents had finally believed I was mature enough to invite a young lady as my personal guest.

Previously, there were few women of my own age who attended. I was frequently pressed to dance with the older women out of politeness. While there were several attractive ones, the majority were old enough to be my mother or grandmother. They would inevitably comment, "Hans, you are more handsome each time I see you. You are so grown up." Sometimes, the woman would lightly rest her hand on my chest or, depending on her boldness, let it slip further down as she said this.

I would always feel myself blush furiously at these incidents. The thought of one of my parent's friends trying to seduce a man young enough to be her son or grandson was unfathomable to me. One time I was so flustered by an older woman's advances I led us into another dancing couple. When this happened, I escorted the woman from the dance floor soon afterwards, returning her to her unsuspecting husband.

My mind was racing with my intense hunger and the memories and longing for what I was missing. I was unable to sleep. I kept tossing and turning on the narrow cot, but it just made the hunger worse. The attic was not overly cold, but my hunger intensified the chill. Even sleeping with my great coat on made little difference.

I yearned for someplace warm. I closed my eyes and imagined my trip to the Middle East my parents had promised me when I graduated. There had always been something about this desert region that drew me to it. I had already visited the area a few times and the thoughts of the warm desert sun shining on my body was comforting. I tried to maintain my focus on this image, but was unable to hold it for long.

I finally realized that if I was ever to sleep, that I must have something to eat. I quickly pulled on some clothes and silently went downstairs, careful to avoid the boards which creaked. The residence was quiet and dark with everyone else asleep. I soon reached the kitchen.

I shut the kitchen door before I turned on the light, not wanting to wake anyone. I quickly pulled open the cupboards, searching for something, anything, to fill my gnawing stomach. I finally found some rolls. I was starting to stuff them into my pockets when a strong voice startled me. I had worked quickly, but apparently not fast enough.

"Herr Dietrich, do you know what time it is? What are you doing in the kitchen at this hour?"

I whirled around to see Fraulein Rosen standing in doorway. She was dressed in a shapeless flannel robe, her thick hair in a long braid falling across her shoulder. It struck me as the only time I could remember seeing her with her hair not matronly pinned up.

I stood there speechless, not knowing what to say. I immediately placed my hand with the roll behind my back, trying to hide it, but I had not fooled her in the least. She glanced to my hand. It was obvious I was trying to hide something.

"What are you hiding? Are you hungry?"

"Yes," I said, not looking her in the eye. I felt ashamed about having to steal food to satisfy my hunger.

"Herr Dietrich, I was very clear about the meal times for the staff, wasn't I? It is your responsibility to be present if you desire a meal. This is not a cafe where you may come and go as you please and expect to have meals prepared especially for you!"

There was nothing for me say. Like a child caught with its hand in the cookie jar, I slowly put the roll on the counter and turned to leave. Something must have dawned on Fraulein Rosen because she stopped me.

"Are you missing meals because of your responsibilities to Herr Kommandant? He is not allowing you any time to eat?"

I said nothing. I was in a difficult situation and did not want to speak ill of Schnass.

"My boy, why didn't you say something to me? I know that Herr Kommandant is pushing you hard, but there is no reason for you to be hungry. Now sit down and I will fix you a late supper. It won't take me more than a few moments."

She immediately put on a pot of coffee. I found myself enjoying the warmth and comfort of the kitchen and my tension began slipping away. Soon, Fraulein Rosen placed a platter of cold meats and cheeses in front of me with a basket of bread and jam. I had barely finished these items when she placed another one in front of me filled with soft boiled eggs and sausage.

Fraulein Rosen noticed with a watchful eye how I was obviously hungry. Without saying a word, she kept refilling my coffee and ensured my plate was full. Finally, I felt satisfied and sat back in my chair.

"Many thanks, Fraulein Rosen. I cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am for your generosity. Everything tasted delicious." With a heavy meal and the hot coffee, I just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep until noon the next day.

"The pleasure was mine, Herr Dietrich. I will speak with Herr Kommandant when he returns. I will inform him that I don't believe you are eating enough."

I looked at her quickly. I wanted Schnass to know nothing of my kitchen raid.

"Don't worry, your secret is safe with me. I will strictly say it was an observation on my part and that you are rarely able to attend meals. In the meantime, why don't you take an apple with you in case you become hungry during the night?"

It wasn't necessary for her to ask me twice. I thanked her and gratefully slipped an apple into my pocket.

I suddenly decided to push her generosity and my luck further.

"Would it be possible for me to also have an additional blanket? I've noticed that my room can be rather drafty at times."

"Of course, you may. I will give you extra blankets before you head upstairs. You should have requested them sooner if you were cold. I believe that the Herr Kommandant is toughening you up for your future service," she added with a wink. "If you should ever have the misfortune to experience winter combat, this slight hunger and mild coldness will seem like nothing. You will remember these as the good old days."

She looked up at the clock. "Ah! It is midnight. How quickly 1934 has arrived. We must toast, don't you think?" She went to a small side cupboard and returned with a bottle of brandy.

"Don't tell Herr Kommandant. It is supposed to be used only for cooking purposes," she said with a giggle as she filled two small glasses.

"I can assure you, Fraulein Rosen, that your secret is safe with me. I would be the last person to share this piece of information with Kommandant Schnass."

"To 1934, Herr Dietrich. May it bring all of us prosperity and good fortune."

"To 1934," I repeated with a smile as we lightly touched our glasses.

I returned to my room comfortable for the first time in days. Perhaps it was my full stomach and the brandy or the extra blankets I was carrying, but the room did not seem as uninviting as before.

I lit my small lamp and on the spur of the moment, went to the dirty window and sought to open it. The dirt had stuck it fast and it took some effort to force it open.

I swung it open and looked out over the grounds. The late hour was breathtaking. The clouds were gathering for a storm, covering the hanging full moon in blackness. The air was crisp with no sounds reaching me. The wind was beginning to pick up, ruffling my hair and causing my small lamp to flicker.

I wondered what 1934 and the future years would bring me. My immediate concern was to graduate. I had made quite a bit of progress, but time was against me. I only had a little over four months remaining. Schnass would be making his decision by early to mid-May.

It was difficult for me to admit it, but I knew that I also needed to address the estrangement from my father. I knew how to manage my academic issues and work with Schnass. I was completely ignorant on how to handle the situation with my father.

It would take an unknown length of time before I would be able to approach him.

I shut the window just as the rain began to heavily fall. I started to return to the uncomfortable cot when I spotted an old rug in the corner. I quickly unfolded it, smiling as I did so. It was dusty, but large and thick and would serve nicely for me. I spread it out on the floor and made a bed with the blankets, using my greatcoat as a pillow. I began rearranging the crates, blocking the draft. The area was now much more livable. I mentally chastised myself for not thinking of this sooner.

It felt luxurious to stretch out. The floor was much more relaxing than the rickety cot. I dimmed the lamp and lay there for a few minutes listening to the strengthening storm.

The brandy and early hour were making me drowsy and I immediately began to drift off. The scratching of small paws returned me from the twilight of sleep. I raised myself up on my elbows. I could see a small creature off in the corner staring back at me, twitching his whiskers.

"You're hungry, too, aren't you?" I softly asked the mouse. "Well, I will share my good fortune with you, my little friend. I've already eaten and have had more than enough for the first time in days. It would be rather selfish of me to eat what I have when you have had nothing."

I pulled the apple from my coat pocket and cut it into small pieces with my pocketknife. I crawled out of my warm bed and placed the pieces where I had seen the mouse.

I returned to my bed and lay still, intently listening for the mouse. I was now fully awake. Within a few minutes I could hear him eating the apple pieces. I made a mental note to slip some food into my pockets at meal times to provide him in the future.

An inspiration struck me. I slowly sat up so as not to startle the mouse. I reached over to the nightstand and pulled my drawing materials from it. For some reason, I had brought my sketch pad and charcoals with me when I had packed for my exile at Schnass'.

I took an unlit cigarette and placed it between lips. I briefly warmed and loosened my fingers over the lamp before I began working.

I found myself smiling as I quickly sketched the mouse in the dim light. I gradually brought him to life on paper, drawing him sitting on his haunches while he enjoyed his simple supper. The mouse did not move from the spot, kindly allowing me to capture his likeness.

Time slipped away as I quietly worked, the cigarette dangling from my lips. I felt relaxed and content, safe against the storm now raging outside. The only sounds inside the attic were of my charcoals flying across the paper and the mouse eating his apple.

I completed his drawing shortly after he consumed the last morsel. He had been considerate enough to clean his fur for a moment, providing me the last few seconds I needed to add shading to his likeness.

I was very pleased with the results. I had placed the same effort into his simple depiction as I would have with a lover's portrait.

I signed and dated it, using the New Year. Yawning, I returned the materials to the nightstand. I would add the drawing to my portfolio when I returned to my quarters.

I settled back down into bed, becoming drowsy again. Perhaps Fraulein Rosen was right. As difficult as I believed my life to be, I would remember this time with fondness.


	13. Januar 1934 - Marz 1934

My supporting duties hardly slackened after the first of the year, even after Riegel returned. My innocent thoughts that my duties would return to their previous level were dashed when Schnass returned from his short holiday. It was early on his first day back when he informed me of his decision.

"Dietrich, you've proven yourself during Riegel's absence."

I gave Schnass a slight nod in recognition. I fully expected to return to my previous duties now that Riegel's work was current. Schnass' next words quickly deflated my naïve thoughts.

"I have come to realize that Riegel's position is too much for one person. I have decided that you will continue on with this assignment assisting Riegel for the foreseeable future."

I forced myself to keep a poker face and place aside the quickly magnifying anxiety I felt. I wanted to ask him if this was a cruel joke, but stopped myself in time.

"What is the duration of the 'foreseeable future', Herr Kommandant?" I asked, carefully choosing my words.

"Indefinitely," he immediately answered with an incredulous look that showed me how I could possibly believe it would be of any other length.

"What is the priority of my studies, Herr Kommandant, in regards to my expanded assignment?" I stammered. It would be impossible for me to maintain the workload from the last few weeks and maintain my grades.

"Your studies, of course, will be your primary focus. However, I will expect you to maintain your share of Riegel's job. You will not be doing all of Riegel's responsibilities as you have for the last few weeks. Just a select few, such as the correspondence and the associated filing. I've come to realize that I prefer the way you handle the correspondence."

Schnass allowed this information to sink in before he dropped the next bombshell.

"Of course, your duties could likely be expanded dependent on what I need done. You will also begin working much closer with me."

I forced myself not to shudder at the thought.

"Since your duties here will fall outside of class time, it should not be an issue for you to maintain both responsibilities. Besides, you have the weekends to study when you are not working."

"And my quarters? Am I to maintain my residence here? I was hoping to rejoin my fellow cadets for the camaraderie of the final term."

I held my breath as he paused to consider.

"Oh, all right, Dietrich. That would be acceptable. However, you will need to develop a schedule with Riegel for coverage since you will no longer be living in close proximity to me. I will not tolerate lateness nor incomplete work from either one of you."

It didn't take me long to realize that my work load was increasing as work shifted continually from Riegel. The work had now become a substantial job. Schnass began requesting for me to complete assignments more and more frequently.

Once, I sarcastically asked Riegel if he was working too much. I suggested that perhaps he should go visit one of his numerous ill grandmothers before the ski season ended. My biting words were lost on him as he stared back at me.

The stenography Schnass ordered me to learn to was put to good use. It took me a while to master it, but once I did, I found it invaluable. Not only did I use it for Schnass' correspondence and the meetings I attended, but also for my classes. It was much easier using shorthand to take lecture notes and to draft papers.

My increased workload allowed little time for anything else. The one distraction I allowed myself was Irene. I visited her as frequently as my schedule allowed. When I returned after my initial visit and requested her, she gave me a dazzling smile, clearly remembering her experience with me positively.

I found sex with her intense, extremely satisfying and ravenous. Although I had intended for the relationship to be purely professional, I soon noticed myself developing an emotional affection for her.

I found myself looking forward to her company for more than just the sex. I had rarely felt this way towards a woman previously. What I felt for her was something more tangible than just a desire for her to satisfy my physical needs and desires. Irene was an intelligent and beautiful woman, a combination I found extremely attractive.

I once boldly asked Irene to supper. I saw a look of joy light her face only to be replaced a moment later with indecision, before she politely declined my offer.

She quietly shared with me that while she was truly flattered and while she would very much like to accept, our relationship could not develop in that way. Perhaps, she explained, if we had met under different circumstances, in a different situation. But as fate had placed us, it could not be a reality.

I found myself keenly disappointed by her response, but continued to visit her steadily.

My schedule varied little over the next few months as Schnass began, as he promised, working with me more and more closely. He had gained confidence in my ability to complete my tasks thoroughly and completely in a way that, that met his high standards. It quickly got to a point where I had frequently already completed a task before Schnass could even request it. He rarely interfered with me working and recognized that I would consult with him if I required his assistance.

I forced myself to use this time with Schnass productively as possible. If I was to be in such close proximity with Schnass until he made his final decision, I should at least take it as an opportunity to learn as much as I could from him. I would at least be able to apply the skills elsewhere in the future if I did not graduate.

Over time, I grudgingly began to respect Schnass.

Schnass definitely knew how to attack cases, quickly analyzing them to determine their strengths and weaknesses. He never became annoyed with me or my questions and was always the epitome of the calm, analytical intellectual.

Surprisingly, Schnass soon began asking me for my opinion, pushing me to analyze situations more thoroughly. I soon understood that he was coaching me on how to analyze problems and to see things differently than how they initially appeared.

He stressed that I should always approach areas with an open mind and no pre-determined ideas or opinions. Only then would I see the true aspects of the situation. In addition, he instructed that I was to firmly place aside any initial solutions until I had fully comprehended and analyzed the case.

Frequently, he would highlight a specific issue, pushing me to look at different angles and consider other possible options. Not wanting to influence my analysis, Schnass would only offer his thoughts after I had presented mine. He would then challenge me to defend my analysis. He commending me for standing my ground when I was right and also for when I would admit my errors when I was wrong.

Surprisingly, Schnass did not become angry at my mistakes. He would candidly call attention to my errors without dwelling on them. I was to use the mistakes as a learning tool for the future, he would frankly explain, but he would not tolerate for me to make the same mistake twice. If I wouldn't learn from my mistakes and try to correct them, then either I didn't think they were errors or I just didn't care. It was a pattern that he would not and could not tolerate. Combat was unforgiving of those who continued to make mistakes.

Over time, Schnass reviewed my work less and less. Where in the beginning he scrutinized my efforts down to the smallest detail, he eventually gained faith in my ability to complete his projects accurately and thoroughly. Frequently, he would sign my work without verifying it, confident in what I had produced. That to me was the highest compliment, and given that trust and responsibility, inspired me to accept the challenge of continuing my work to achieve an even higher level of performance.

And as Schnass had predicted, I began to enjoy work more than fun.

I was now spending more time with Schnass than I was with anyone else. I began to look forward to my time with him, more so than when I spent time with my friends. I found myself making excuses for not attending events or gatherings with the other cadets. I would unabashedly lie stating that I was required to work, even though I was free for the evening.

I was now the one to bring case studies to Schnass, eagerly wanting to discuss them with him. I realized that I had been given a never to be repeated opportunity of being personally tutored by a very talented man who knew his profession deeply and thoroughly.

Finally, I had realized that my time with Schnass was precious and would be available for only a short time longer. I did not want to waste a moment of it.

There was one meeting with Schnass I never forgot.

I had woken with a start in the middle of the night, realizing that I had forgotten to place several reports on my desk for Schnass to sign. Schnass was expecting them when he arrived early Monday morning and would not tolerate them being late. Even though tomorrow was a Sunday, I could not take the chance he would not unexpectedly visit the office and assume the reports were unfinished.

I threw on my clothes and shoes, not even bothering with socks. I hurried to the office in the darkness, keeping to the shadows and feeling like a criminal. Wanting nothing more than to return to bed at that early hour, I quickly gathered the reports and began organizing them. It was then that I noticed Schnass' door was slightly ajar and that a dim light was on. Suspecting that a cadet was rifling his office, I went to catch the intruder, still clutching the reports.

I softly walked to the office, reached in to turn on the overhead light and kicked open the door with a loud bang. I fully expected to catch one of my fellow cadets in there, automatically assuming it to be Meyer.

I was surprised to see that it was Schnass and that he had obviously been weeping.

"Excuse me, Herr Kommandant," I said, feeling uncomfortable. I immediately turned to leave when he stopped me.

"What are you doing here at this hour, Dietrich?"

"I was gathering the reports you had requested for your signature," I explained quietly, not looking at him directly. "I noticed your door open and the light was on. I suspected an intruder.

"Forgive me for interrupting you, Herr Kommandant. You are obviously in a very private moment and I do not wish to intrude upon you further."

I placed the reports on his desk, but he stopped me before I could leave.

"Would you sit down, Dietrich?"

I slowly returned and took a seat in front of him.

"Sir?" I sat there stiff and uncomfortable, not knowing what to say. I desperately wished to be anywhere but here at this moment. I was unsure of where Schnass would take this conversation, nor was I sure that I wanted to go there with him.

It was odd to be sitting in his presence. I had only sat when I received dictation from him. At all other times I had stood. I suddenly felt very much like a schoolboy about to meet his headmaster for the first time.

I noticed a nearly empty bottle of scotch sitting next to a framed picture on his desk. I suspected that Schnass was not only drunk, but that he was very drunk.

I maintained my silence, waiting for him to speak.

"Death is very unfair, Dietrich. It never takes those who embrace it. Have you ever experienced the death of a loved one?" Given that his speech was only slightly slurred despite the amount of alcohol that he had obviously consumed, I decided that Schnass was definitely a man who could hold his liquor.

"Yes, my younger brother."

"I remember the death of your brother, Joachim. It impacted your parents greatly. One expects the aged to die, but not the young. I lost both my wife and daughter when they were both young, and on the very same day."

"I am truly sorry for your loss, Herr Kommandant. It must have been very difficult for you." I gave him no indication that I was already aware of their deaths.

"It still is very difficult. I believe I will never overcome losing both of them at once. It was nineteen years ago today, but I would have thought it to be a lifetime ago. My daughter would now be a young woman, just a few years younger than you."

I gave him a small smile, acknowledging the comparison.

"May I?" I asked, indicating the photograph. He silently pushed it to me.

The photograph seemed to be from a different era even though it was less than two decades old. The photograph showed Schnass and his wife, obviously on their wedding day. Schnass was handsome in his dress uniform, stiff and formal. His wife, young and beautiful on his arm, was in a high necked wedding dress common from the era.

I remembered my mother's words from so long ago and now, I could understand why his wife had been attracted to Schnass. He looked debonair and had an air of adventure about him.

"A very handsome couple," I said simply, returning the photograph to him.

Schnass smiled at my comment.

"I knew Mathilde since we were children. I had always admired her. You could only imagine my joy when I discovered she held the same feelings towards me. We only had a short courtship before I proposed to her, and then we married soon after."

I smiled and nodded, suddenly being able to imagine Schnass as an impetuous young man who was willing to make what he desired his without any delay.

"I was the one who didn't want to delay the wedding. I could not take the risk of her possibly changing her mind. And I wanted to at least have some time with her before I was probably killed in the war. We were married less than a month when I returned to the front and I never saw her again. She perished nine months later.

"Your father was with me when I received the news at the front. I was so distraught I immediately drew my service weapon and placed it to my temple, wanting to kill myself. Erich wrestled it from me, preventing me from joining my beloved Mathilde and Sophie. Your father always seems to be there at the right moment to assist those around him."

I again gave Schnass a smile. As difficult as it was for me to admit, I personally agreed with him and Schnass was not the first person to tell me this of my father.

"I was surrounded by death on a constant basis and yet lived through a war lasting four devastating years. How ironic that I was the one to survive! Mathilde died giving birth, the most natural process in the world for a woman.

"My grief was compounded by her family holding me responsible for her death. They never spoke to me again, though I had known them my entire life.

"And now I am here, at this academy, and have been for several years, now knowing little else. There are times that I believe that I will live forever here and that I will never see my darlings again."

I said nothing, merely listening and nodding at the appropriate moments. I believe Schnass just wanted someone with whom to share his pain and grief, someone who would not comment on the meeting to him or to anyone else again in the future. Schnass shared a different side of him, a deeply personal one, that I could not fathom have existed.

When he finally halted, I recognized it was time for us to take our leave.

"Sir, thank you for sharing an important moment in your life with me. It is past midnight, shall we call it an evening?"

"Yes, the day is thankfully over." Schnass stood up to leave, but began swaying dangerously. He would have collapsed if I had not jumped up and caught him by the arm.

"Forgive me, but perhaps if I walk with you to your residence, Sir?"

"I think…Yes, that would be an excellent idea, Dietrich."

The distance wasn't far, but took longer than normal given the Kommandant's low sobriety level. He stopped once to vomit in the bushes, I holding his shoulders as he did so. Fortunately, the grounds were deserted and there were no witnesses. The groundskeepers would probably assume the mess was from some drunken cadet.

By the time we finally reached his residence, I was half carrying him, with one of his arms draped across my shoulders for support.

I softly knocked on the door, praying it would be Fraulein Rosen who would answer and not one of the other servants. I was just about to see if the door was unlocked when she opened it.

"Herr Kommandant!" Fraulein Rosen said with a start, who hands flying to her face in fright. "What happened? Has he been in an accident? Is he ill?"

She quickly motioned us in. Schnass took only a few steps before he collapsed. After a few unsuccessful attempts to get him to his feet, I finally heaved him unto my shoulder and staggered past the doorway.

"I wouldn't say he is ill, at least not at this moment. And if anything, he is feeling no pain. The illness and pain will come tomorrow morning or afternoon."

It did not take long for her to comprehend my words once the heavy alcohol fumes reached her.

Schnass was beginning to grow very heavy and I could feel my knees beginning to buckle.

"Where should I place him, Fraulein Rosen?"

"In his room. Follow me upstairs."

I silently cursed my bad luck as I followed her up the stairs, Schnass becoming heavier with each step.

"In here," she finally indicated. It was with extreme relief that I gratefully deposited him unto the bed. In the dim light I could see Fraulein Rosen suddenly begin to blush.

"Would you," she stammered, not knowing how to ask, "…make him more comfortable? I don't think I should be the one to do so. I will step out into the hallway." She hurried out of the room without waiting for me to reply.

I gave a short laugh. Schnass wouldn't be the first man I had helped to bed after an evening's affair with the bottle. He was, however, my first superior officer I had assisted with the task. No doubt he would not be the last.

With a grin I removed Schnass' boots and his tunic. I took care to shake out and neatly fold the tunic on a nearby chair. As an afterthought, I rolled Schnass unto his side and propped him up with pillows in case he should vomit again. I covered him with a nearby decorative throw as he quietly began snoring, oblivious to the world.

I stoked the fire to bring some warmth back into the room. I could not help but notice that Schnass' room was stark and practical, made even more so by the dim light. There were no personal items I could see, nothing to give an indication to the man who had dedicated his life to this institution for so many years. It was a purely functional room, as one would expect from a bachelor. No, Schnass wasn't a bachelor, I corrected myself. He was married to the military.

As I turned to leave, I could only wonder if someday I would share the same path of life as Schnass.

"I strongly suggest that you do not mention this to the Kommandant, Fraulein Rosen," I quietly ordered her as we were walking down the stairs. "I would prefer the Kommandant not to know that I had seen him in this state. The chances are high he will not remember."

"Yes, Herr Dietrich. I understand." She was silent for a moment before she added, "Yesterday was March 24, wasn't it?"

I nodded. If I had to hazard a guess, this was a regular condition for Schnass on the day of his family's passing.

I returned to my quarters, the incident heavy on my mind. It took me a while to place it aside so I could return to sleep.

I normally only worked a half day on Sunday, arriving at 07:00, with Schnass never there. I frankly did not expect to see him until Monday, when he had sobered up and the hangover dissipated. But Schnass had already arrived when I did, the reports neatly signed and placed on my desk for distribution.

I strongly wondered if Schnass remembered the previous evening. Besides his slightly reddened eyes, there was nothing different about him from his normal state. Schnass dictated several letters to me in his usual rapid fashion, ordering for them to be completed by noon.

I had no further conversation with Schnass except when I was leaving. I asked him if he needed anything else for the day and his reply was a curt "nothing else" dismissing me.

I never mentioned the incident to Schnass nor shared his confidence with anyone.

It was later in the week Schnass requested to see me. I was unsure of his reason, apprehensive that he wanted to discuss the episode. Instead, it was to assign an additional duty to me.

"I will need your service for the next several days, Dietrich."

Normally, I would have jumped at the opportunity to work with him, but not this particular time. It was a long weekend and I had little classwork due. I had made arrangements to enjoy some skiing in the Alps before the season ended.

"Sir, my understanding was that I was to have the weekend free. Today is Thursday and classes do not resume until Tuesday. You had approved my work schedule earlier."

"Yes, but something has arisen. Riegel's grandmother is ill and he has requested to visit her before she passes away. You will be staying a few extra days, only until Sunday afternoon. That will give you Sunday evening and Monday to relax and enjoy some free time."

I silently cursed Riegel and his "dying grandmother". How many dying grandmothers could he possibly possess? It probably would now be Riegel who returned with the outline of ski goggles' on his face instead of me.

I signed. There was nothing I could do to alter the situation.

"Would it be more supportive for me to temporarily reside here again?"

"Yes, it would be," he said looking at me strangely. "I will have Frau Rosen ready your room again."

"That will not be necessary, Herr Kommandant. I left the room neat when I departed in January."

"Don't worry, Dietrich. The next few days should be fairly light." I started to relax when he caught me off guard with his next words. "Your main duty will be to assist a senior officer. He is an old friend of mine, who will be visiting and touring the Academy. I will need you to pick him up from the train station and be on duty during his stay."

How many old friends could Schnass possibly have? I truly believed the entire German Army had been here at one time or another, not to mention part of the British and French Armies. Schnass was very much like my father: He knew everyone. Of course, I understood that Schnass entertained them for the donations and to maintain his contacts within the military.

Schnass made a point of looking at the large clock on the wall. "I suggest you leave promptly. Herr Oberstleutnant Rommel is not one to be kept waiting. His train arrives at 17:00. I would hate for his supper to be cold when he arrives."

This barely gave me enough time to make his train's arrival.

I fairly sprinted to the garage. I drove as fast as safely possible, but I was still a few minutes late.

I instantly recognized the officer I was to escort. He was very different than Schnass' other friends. The Oberstleutnant was anything but old. He was in his early 40's, trim with direct eyes and had a strong presence about him. He was waiting on the platform, glancing at his watch constantly, an unpleasant look on his face due to my lateness. From this simple action, I thought him to be a man who tolerated no nonsense.

"Herr Oberstleutnant, Herr Kommandant Schnass sent me from the Academy."

He made an exaggerated point of looking at his watch again.

"You are late, Cadet."

"I apologize for the delay, Sir. I have the automobile waiting in the carpark. Let me take your luggage for you and we may leave immediately."

I was barely able to keep up with him as he strode quickly ahead of me, not waiting for me. I had to practically sprint to reach the automobile ahead of him to open the door. Mindful of Schnass' cold supper warning, I quickly sped away.

The Oberstleutnant rode silently in the rear seat several minutes before he finally spoke.

"Your name, Cadet?"

"Dietrich, Sir."

"Dietrich? Are you related to General Erich Dietrich? If I remember correctly, he has a son around your age."

"My father," I replied simply.

"Good soldier. Our paths have crossed frequently over the years. It's been quite a while since I have had the honor to see him. How is your father?"

"Well," I said briefly, without elaborating and Rommel did not pursue the conversation further.

I felt I could not reach the Academy soon enough. It was with a sigh of relief when I finally pulled up to Schnass' residence.

"Erwin, it has been too long," Schnass said, greeting Rommel warmly. They shook hands and hugged briefly, clasping each other on the back.

"Dietrich, take the Orbersleutant's luggage to his room. After dinner, we will be having cognac in the drawing room and I will need you to serve." They turned and left actively talking, not even waiting for me to acknowledge the order.

Fraulein Rosen frantically waved me in and motioned for me to follow her.

"You have at the most sixty minutes, Herr Dietrich, before you will be needed in the drawing room. Herr Rommel's room is at the top of the stairs, second from the left. I've already placed your linens in the stairway leading to your room. I will stall them as much as possible, but I strongly suggest you hurry packing your belongings. I must leave now and see to supper."

I practically ran up the stairs with Rommel's suitcase and quickly found his room. I looked around briefly before placing Rommel's luggage on a rack. The room was large and airy, and I assumed it was one of the finer rooms in the residence.

I hurried down the stairs, using the main entrance as I disregarded Fraulein Rosen's admonishment from December. The staff would be occupied with supper and there would be little chance I would be seen.

To save a few precious moments, I boldly drove Schnass' automobile to the cadet residence. I grabbed my shaving kit and a few basic items, stuffing them into an overnight bag before driving back and returning the automobile to the garage.

This time I did use the servant's entry since I knew the risk of being discovered was far greater. I only had a few precious moments remaining when I once again ran up the stairs, throwing my bag into the stairway leading to my room. I would settle in later when the others had retired.

I finally made my way to the drawing room, and sat down at the piano. I caught my breath for a moment before I began softly playing. It was less than five minutes later the doors were opened by Fraulein Rosen, admitting Schnass and Rommel.

I immediately stopped playing and stood at attention. Schnass frowned slightly.

"Were you playing long, Dietrich? I don't believe I heard you a few moments ago."

"I'm unsure of the duration, Herr Kommandant. I was concentrating on the piece and have no recollection of time passing," I answered, the personification of innocence as I stared at the wall.

He studied my face for a moment before allowing the subject to drop.

"Anyway, please serve the cognac. Afterwards, you are to remain available in the servant's side room in case you are needed," Schnass ordered.

"I will ensure that Herr Dietrich receives supper, Herr Kommandant," Frau Rosen smoothly added. "He was unavailable to dine earlier during the staff meal."

"Yes, please do so." Schnass waved his hand in casually approval.

The liquor and glasses were located on a sideboard. It took me only a few moments to serve Schnass and Rommel the aged and excellent cognac. I had been taught the proper and professional way to serve cognac from my father, a skill I never thought I would put to use. The two men began actively talking as if I was not there. I freshened the fire, before I silently left, closing the doors quietly behind me.

I was fortunate that Fraulein Rosen provided me supper since I was not dismissed until after 01:00. During that time I sat in the side room listening to the radio playing softly and studying for my exams.

Schnass called me a few times for minor requests. I freshened their drinks once and then brought in additional firewood. I suspected the requests were more to ensure that I was still on duty than for any actual need.

I was relieved when Schnass finally released me for the evening. The work had not been hard, but the day had been long. I suspected tomorrow would be even longer. I was so tired that I did not even bother to wash. The cold water would help wake and rejuvenate me in the morning.

My room was indeed as I had left it, down to my mouse roommate. It had been a few months since my previous stay and I had hoped he would still be here. I had slipped a few rolls into my pocket at dinner, remembering our simple New Year's Eve gala when I had shared my apple with the small fellow. I tore up the rolls and placed them where I had seen him frequently. I was rewarded a few minutes later when I saw him eagerly begin eating the bread.

The attic was musty and I forced open the window to air it out for a few minutes. I then turned my attention to my sleeping arrangements. I eyed the cot with disdain, preferring to sleep on the floor with the rug again. It took me only a few minutes to make my bed and stretch out into it.

I would need to wake early to ensure I had breakfast before I began working. Fraulein Rosen had warned me about them being early risers. I rolled unto my left side, and was soon asleep.

The work was relatively light the next two days, but continuous. Schnass and Rommel were early risers just as Fraulein Rosen had promised, and I had barely finished my breakfast when I was pressed into service. They extensively toured the grounds and buildings. Schnass proudly showed Rommel several new developments under construction.

The weather was beautiful and crisp this time of year and I enjoyed being outside for the majority of the day. I walked discreetly behind them, responding only when they needed something. The few students on the premises obviously wondered about the visitor, silently pointing at him in question when he had passed. I merely shook my head, indicating for them not pursue their questions. As straightforward as this duty was, I took Schnass' confidence seriously and would not discuss his professional business nor his guests with anyone.

On Saturday evening, I was their aide at a military reception being held outside of Berlin. I expected Schnass to be recognized, but I soon noticed how many of the attendees were familiar with Rommel. For the rank of Oberstleutnant, he was surprisingly well known among the senior officers.

Their conversation on the return ride centered on the Nazis. Both believed the new government would have a positive and profound impact on the military. Ever the analyst, Schnass frankly stated that the buildup would return prestige to the Germany military. He questioned, though, how the military would be used and at what price in human lives.

"Warfare will be different in the future, Eberhardt," Rommel responded. "The stalemate of the trenches we previously knew will be a tactic of the past. Panzers and a highly mobilized army will be the strength of modern warfare."

I was returning Rommel to the train station early the next afternoon when he requested a detour.

"Dietrich, my train actually departs at 15:00," he informed me as we neared the station. I was puzzled at the departure time. Schnass was normally very precise and I was taken back by him making a mistake regarding the time.

"I apologize, Herr Oberstleutnant, for the early arrival. I must have misunderstood Kommandant Schnass."

"You didn't. I purposely misinformed Eberhardt of my departure time. I would like you to take me to Prinz Strasse. I haven't visited a business there for quite some time."

"Of course, Herr Oberstleutnant."

I silently drove the automobile there, not knowing what to expect. With a sinking feeling I prayed it was not for a rendezvous with a mistress. I had noticed Rommel wearing a wedding ring. I did not want to be even a remote part of him having an affair.

"Over there, on the right. The Zitronenbaum Café has beyond a doubt the best Austrian pastries in Germany. I always make the effort to stop at the Cafe when I visit Berlin."

I gave a sigh of relief and almost burst out laughing as I parked the automobile. They must have excellent pastries indeed for Rommel to misstate his departure by two hours. I immediately jumped out to open the door, but he had already beaten me to it.

"I will wait for you here, Herr Oberstleutnant."

Rommel gave me a frown.

"Actually, you are to join me as my guest, Dietrich. You have worked hard the last few days and you should relax for a few moments. Also, I want the opportunity to get to know you better."

Rommel entered the café, not bothering to see if I was following.

The staff recognized him and immediately showed us to a prime table.

"Herr Oberstleutnant, what a pleasure to see you. It has been quite some time."

"Yes, too long. Two apple strudels and two coffees, please."

I sat there formally, waiting for him to speak. Rommel did not keep me waiting for long.

"Eberhardt ran you ragged the last few days. You barely had one full meal during the entire time. Yet you never complained. If anything, you worked even harder. It's not often I witness such loyalty and hard work in someone so young."

I did not comment. It was not my place to do so.

"Eberhardt shared your background with me: Top of your class, a deadly eye for analysis, keen ability to get things done with little direction or assistance, fluent in several languages, no hesitation to approach a superior."

I warmed with the first real praise that I had received in months.

"I'm also aware of the incident from October," he added looking me firmly in the eye.

"I have taken responsibility for my poor behavior, Herr Oberstleutnant, and have taken action to move beyond it," I said returning his strong gaze.

"It's good when a man admits his mistakes and rights them. Too many officers, junior and senior, are busy making excuses for their failures on and off the battlefield. They are the ones who never move forward. They instead should be forming a new course of action, using those opportunities as a platform for future successes.

"You are very fortunate for Eberhardt to have taken you on as a protégé. You can learn much under his tutelage. He is a fine officer, more staff than field, but you will find the time with him invaluable. No one performs analysis better than him."

It had taken me several months to recognize Schnass' strengths, but now I had to completely agree with Rommel.

"And have you spoken with your father regarding strategy and tactics?" Rommel continued. "Erich could also teach you a great deal. Analysis from Eberhardt, and operational boldness from your father. It would be a deadly combination. You would be a force to be reckoned with in combat."

His words had me recognize that I had spent more time with Schnass these last few months than I had with my father over the prior decade. I wondered what I could learn from my father. Teachings from both men would give me unmatched skills. If only I would offer my father the opportunity. . .

"You have a presence about you, Dietrich, even at your young age. I can see traces of your father in you." When he compared me to my father, I merely looked at him and said nothing.

He gave me a shrewd look. "I can see that you don't care to be compared to your father."

"I prefer to be viewed as my own man, and not in regards to my father."

"It will be up to you to have others take notice of you, Dietrich. I have, from the little I have witnessed. You have the qualities I seek in an officer reporting to me. I expect much from my men because I expect much from myself. Your career is just in its infancy, but I will be following it."

The strudels and coffees arrived and it took every ounce of my strength not to devour the delicious pastry. I was so unbelievably hungry. I forced myself to wait until Rommel had taken the first bite before I allowed myself to indulge.

"Dietrich, you're not eating?" Rommel frowned.

I finally picked up my fork and took a bite. The strudel was flaky bursting with apples melded with the taste of butter and spices. I could not remember the last time that I had enjoyed a dessert this delicious. With the excellent coffee, I felt myself becoming very comfortable. Except for the reference concerning my father, I was enjoying the conversation with Rommel.

I noticed him glance at his watch, signaling that our meeting had concluded.

"Thank you, Herr Oberstleutnant, for your hospitality. I will bring the automobile around promptly so that you do not miss your train.

Rommel said little on the drive to the station. He mostly looked out the window, but I noticed his eyes occasionally follow a group of brown shirts as they marched on the streets, menacing Jewish businesses or individuals.

Rommel spoke to me one final time before he boarded his train.

"Thank you for your assistance this weekend, Dietrich. We are in a game with few players. I will ensure that our paths cross again in the near future. Give my best to your father."

I stood there for a few minutes, watching as Rommel's train disappeared into the distance. To have his recognition was something unexpected. I sensed it was something significant.

Yes, I would look forward to serving Rommel again.


	14. 23 Mai 1934

The final months passed quickly. I was unaware that spring had even arrived until one day I noticed the trees beginning to display their new foliage. The winter snows were now nothing but a distant memory, a memory I had not even retained.

With the onset of spring, I, too, felt like I had grown. I had focused on my studies and had gradually been able to regain my class standing, although not to my previous level. The failure in chemistry had been too costly. I was unable to overcome it in the remaining time I had available.

I saw Irene frequently during this time. She had changed what I sought in a woman. Where previously I had mostly focused on a woman's beauty, I now found myself attracted to women with intelligence. While I still appreciated a woman's attractiveness, I believed their intelligence greatly enhanced their beauty.

"Your graduation is next week, isn't it?" Irene asked me quietly one evening. She was lying in my arms, while I was smoking a cigarette.

"I am still waiting for the confirmation," I said quietly, shrugging. "The Kommandant has not yet notified me if he has approved it. I sat for my last exams this week so there is nothing more I can do academically. The other cadets have already been informed of their status. I should receive my notice shortly."

"My grandfather always said, 'Never question the work of the Lord. He has a reason for everything he does.' Perhaps some good will come from your difficulties during the last year, Hans. If the Kommandant is as intelligent as you've led me to believe, he must have noticed your dedication and hard work."

"It's been a long year, Irene. I thought that I would enjoy my final year, but it did not turn out that way. My arrogance prevented that and I have paid a steep price for it."

I exhaled a long plume a smoke and stubbed out my cigarette. I wrapped both my arms around her, enjoying the touch of her body. I could feel the beat of her strong heart and her soft breath against my chest.

"I believe the Kommandant will approve it and that you will graduate with your fellow cadets. It will be a very exciting time for you. It will be the beginning of your adult life. I remember when I received my under graduate degree from Stanford. It was one of the most exhilarating days of my life."

"You're a Stanford graduate? Very impressive, Irene." Even I knew that very few women graduated from that particular American university.

"And when you join the German army as one of her officers, how will you feel serving the Nazis?"

I was slightly taken back by her question. We had never discussed politics. It was something I rarely talked with anyone since I considered myself apolitical. My father followed politics closely, and had frequently commented upon the changing Germany. Oh, I knew about the National Socialists rise to power, their increasing narrowing of rights, but I didn't believe it impacted me now or that it would do so in the future.

"It's odd that you should ask this question." I frowned.

"Why do you say that?" She rolled unto her side, propping herself on an elbow. Her long hair cascaded down, partially covering her breasts. "Do you share their beliefs, Hans?"

"My father asked a similar question the last time I spoke with him in the fall."

"May I ask how you answered him?"

"I never answered him. It was at that moment when I was ordered from his presence. I haven't spoken with him since." Irene was aware of my estrangement from my father. I had mentioned it briefly on a few occasions.

"I will not view my military service as serving the Nazis, Irene. I view it as serving Germany. I will always be loyal to Germany and serve her despite those leading her. Once I freely and willingly give my oath, I will be under obligation to honor it. It would be unfathomable for me to do otherwise."

"Will you no longer question the answers when they are given to you?"

"I will always question the answers, Irene, when I know they are wrong."

"I truly hope your honor will sustain itself to hold unto such passion. Unfortunately, I suspect you will need to do so in the future. I believe there is more to the Nazis than what they show. They are leading your beautiful country down a dark and difficult road which I pray will not end tragically."

"Perhaps, but the Nazis are restoring Germany to the prominence it enjoyed before the war. Is it any different in the United States? With your President Roosevelt and the difficult situation your country is experiencing with its massive depression? There must be those who disagree with his policies and where he is leading your country."

"Of course, there is dissent in America," she readily agreed. "There is in every country."

We both felt uncomfortable moving into an unfamiliar territory. Neither one of us cared to pursue the conversation further. Irene soon snuggled back into my arms.

"It will be a while until I can see you again, Irene. If I graduate, I will be visiting the Middle East to celebrate with four of my classmates. It will give me time to relax and enjoy myself before I actually begin serving."

"When will you return from your trip?"

"I will be away for a little over a month."

Irene fell silent. For a moment I thought she had fallen asleep in my arms before she responded.

"Then this will be the last time that I will see you, Hans. When you return to Germany, I will have also returned to my homeland."

Her statement took me by surprise. I turned to face her, the surprise clearly showing on my face.

"I did not realize that you would be returning to the United States."

"I have been here for several months. If you remember, my current profession was only to provide funding for me to complete my graduate work. I was researching and working on my thesis when I wasn't working here. I have completed it and scheduled its presentation to the board."

An intense wave of guilt overcame me. I had occasionally inquired about her thesis, but not in great detail. Irene obviously had put in a tremendous effort to have completed it while also working.

"My dear Irene, I apologize for not inquiring more about your thesis. I would have liked to have read your submission. It would have been very interesting to learn more about my country's architecture. But even more so, I would have liked to have a greater insight into your thoughts and ideas. You are as intelligent as you are beautiful. I have never met a woman quite like you before."

"You are very kind, Hans. It wasn't necessary for you to inquire about my thesis even once, but I did appreciate you taking an interest in it. You are the only one of my guests who did." She reached up and gently kissed me on the lips, as she brushed my hair off my forehead.

"Had you planned on informing me before you left?"

"Yes, this evening."

Now it was my turn to remain silent. It took me several minutes before I could ask her my question.

"I am asking for you to remain in Germany, Irene."

She looked up at me suddenly, her eyes intently searching my face, trying to see if there was something hidden behind my words.

"What are you suggesting, Hans?"

"You heard me correctly, Irene," I answered softly, providing her the confirmation she was seeking. "I want you to stay and be with me."

"Why? For what reason? To continue as your mistress?"

"No, of course not as my mistress. I do not view our current relationship in that way. You are something so much more to me than a woman I visit to merely service my physical needs.

"You will soon be an architect and will have no trouble readily establishing a career. It would be as if I had met you at the opera or had been introduced as a social event."

Irene looked at me doubtfully, but allowed me to continue.

"I have always desired something more from our relationship since the first time I met you. I sought it from you earlier. If you remember, several months ago I asked to see you away from here, under normal circumstances," I added gently.

"I am asking you to grant me this opportunity now, Irene."

"Surely, Hans, you must realize that I have been with several other men, scores of other men, since the time you first visited me."

"I've always been aware of your profession and what it entails, Irene. I am not that naïve. It is something that I have put aside and never consider when we are together. On the other hand, you are not the only woman I have been with since we first met."

It was true. Matthias had insisted on dragging me to a cabaret one evening when I was free, declaring that I was working much too hard and needed to have some fun. I had met the girl at the bar and we left shortly after having a drink together.

It had been a fast encounter with her, and I departed less than an hour later. I never even asked her name. The sex had not been very satisfactory, but it had served the purpose for what I had needed at that moment.

Irene's words returned me to the present.

"Have you given any thought if someone should discover my past? If we attended a military reception, a social event or even a café and one of my former clients recognized me? How it would impact the conservative military career you have made such an effort to achieve over the last several months?

"How would your superiors view the rising young officer, the one with the impeccable background and superb ability who makes poor choices when he chooses a female companion? How would they transfer these narrow thoughts to your ability to make command decisions when you make such poor decisions in your personal life?

"And your family? What would be their shock that you had brought shame to your well known aristocratic family? That you were seriously involved with a woman who had been a prostitute, even though I would now be an architect?"

"My personal life is my business, Irene. I do not allow my family to become involved in it or to make decisions regarding it. I associate with the women who I choose, not who they choose for me. I view you no less than any other woman because of your life over the last several months."

"Hans, you are only a few years younger than me yet I feel a lifetime older. You are still young and have much to learn in life. Thank you for the offer, but no, Hans. As much as I truly desire to accept your offer, I must decline it. Eventually, I would impact everything you hold dear and have worked so very hard to achieve.

"I care for you too much to be responsible for your downfall. I would never be able to live with myself."

"Is there anything I can say or do to convince you otherwise?"

"No, there is nothing you can say to convince me otherwise. I will always treasure your request from the bottom of my heart, Hans. You are so different than the other men who have visited me. I truly believe you saw me as a person and not just as an object to be used for your momentary satisfaction.

"I do want you to know that I looked forward to your visits and spending the evening with you, Hans. If only I had met you under different circumstances, I would have accepted your offer without hesitation. It would have been an honor for me to walk by your side in life." She hesitated for a brief moment, her eyes locking with mine, before she continued. "And, I would have easily fallen in love with you.

"I believe God has a great life planned for you and that you will be successful. Something special, a life which will impact all those around you. Someday, I will hear of your accomplishments and what you have given back to the world."

"I will miss you greatly, Irene. Words cannot express the loss I already feel. It is a void I believe will never be filled."

"There is another woman waiting for you, Hans. Somewhere, out there. And whoever the woman is to win your heart and to share your life, she will be lucky indeed. Your wife will be a very fortunate woman both emotionally and physically to be with you.

"You are an intelligent, compassionate man and are an excellent and strong lover. You have always satisfied me. I will never forget the brief moments I was fortunate to spend and share with you."

We lay there in silence for several minutes. The only sounds were of the rain gently hitting the windows and her soft breathing. Irene was again the one to break the silence after several minutes.

"There is one thing I would like to ask from you during our final moments together. Would you grant me a favor, Hans?" Irene asked softly. She was still nestled in my arms, her head lying gently on my shoulder.

I was curious at her question. Irene had never asked anything from me since I had first met her. I softly brushed aside her hair so I could gaze at her face.

"Of course, darling. I will grant you anything."

There was a part of me that was eager to grant Irene a favor. I wanted to give her something that would move our relationship from beyond what it had been up to this time.

Irene remained silent.

"What is it that you desire from me?" I gently prompted her.

"The favor is not for me."

"For a friend?"

Irene gave a small smile, looking up at me with those bright green eyes any man could become lost in.

"I would say, yes, the favor is for a friend."

"If it within my power to grant it, then yes, of course, I will grant you the favor on behalf of your friend."

She did not respond immediately. I was about to repeat my offer when she finally spoke.

"My favor is actually for you: Make peace with your father. Not necessarily tomorrow, next week, or even next year. Make peace with your father before it is too late for the both of you and all that remains are regrets."

I was taken aback by her request.

"Your favor is a difficult one, Irene." I reached out and stroked her cheek gently with my index finger, wanting to soften the difficult moment. "I don't believe you realize what you are requesting from me."

"Hans, I actually do understand the challenging favor I am asking from you. However, you are free not to grant it. I will not think the less of you."

"Why do request this particular favor? Is there something I may give that will benefit you personally?"

"I have everything I need, Hans, but I believe my favor is something that will benefit you. You have given so much to me already. I want to give something back to you. I believe it will grant the both of you peace, your father as much as you."

I hesitated before responding. If anyone else had asked, I would have become angry and rescinded my offer, immediately leaving. But I wanted to please Irene and could not say no to her in our final moments.

Irene's sincerity reached out and touched me. She could have requested anything for herself. Yet she had placed her concern for me ahead of her own desires.

"Yes, Irene, I will grant you your request," I responded quietly after a few moments. "I am unable to promise you when I will actually be able to fulfill it."

"My heart will hold you to your honor as a German officer to fulfill your promise to me some day."

"I am not yet a German officer. It would be unethical for me to swear against my oath at this time."

"You were born to be and will die in the role of a German officer, Hans. The God of War will not hold it against you for honoring your oath early." Irene looked up at me. Her eyes were dark and deep as they searched my face for confirmation.

"Yes, Irene," I softly repeated. "I promise to one day fulfill your request. I swear to you on my honor as a future German officer."

The irony of the moment was not lost on me when it would cross my mind over the years. When I finally fulfilled my promise to Irene, it would be my final action as a German officer.

I stayed with Irene until shortly before dawn. We made love throughout the night and into the early morning, enjoying each other's bodies until we finally collapsed, exhausted. I would always consider my interactions with her this evening to be the first time I actually made love to a woman instead of just performing the raw physical sex act.

I had placed Irene's enjoyment and desires before my own, which heightened my own sexual experience. The time with her was bittersweet, but I would always remember the intense pleasure we shared emotionally and physically during these final moments.

Before I left, I gave Irene a substantial sum of money. The money was not payment for her company, but something much more meaningful. I knew Irene well enough that she would place the funds aside and use them to begin her architecture career.

I kissed Irene gently on the forehead when I departed, not saying a word, not allowing myself to look back. I was left with an emptiness and yearning that I believed would never again be filled by any woman.

Garten Strasse was now empty for me. I would not be returning here again.

It was the final time I saw Irene.

Years later, when I was visiting the United States years later shortly before the war, I would have sworn that I had seen her in San Francisco. I had wanted to call out to the attractive auburn haired woman in the conservative business dress, but I restrained myself from doing so.

I had watched the woman disappear into the distance with blueprints under her slim arm. If it had been Irene, she had a new life, and had firmly placed the past where it belonged.

It was necessary for me to do the same, to honor her decision.


	15. 24 Mai 1934

The note had been waiting for me. I instantly noticed it when I returned to my quarters from visiting Irene.

Schnass had ordered my appearance at 06:00.

I glanced at my watch. I would barely make the meeting. I strongly suspected that Schnass was prepared to provide his final decision to me today. Whatever the outcome, this would be the final time that I would be summoned to his office.

I quickly showered and shaved, and hurried across the grounds. I desperately wanted a cigarette. This time I decided it would be for the best to forego one.

I arrived exactly on time. I noticed Schnass was already in his office, even at this early hour. I gently knocked and he immediately responded.

"Enter."

Schnass was behind his desk and I came to attention.

"You appear to be tired, Dietrich. Are you ill?"

Schnass' small talk took me off guard. Schnass was usually very direct and concerned only with business. It was the first time I could remember him asking me anything personal since I had known him.

"No, Herr Kommandant. On the contrary, I am in excellent health. I am very relaxed and refreshed this morning."

"Perhaps you should pursue a less strenuous form of relaxation."

I couldn't stop myself from looking at him sharply, his face completely blank except for a slight spark behind his eyes. I quickly regained my decorum to look straight ahead. I could only wonder if he suspected where I had spent numerous evenings over the last several months.

"I thank you for your concerns regarding my health, Herr Kommandant, but I believe you have ordered me here for a different reason."

"You are correct. I _have_ ordered you here for a different reason."

Schnass did not keep me waiting long before he informed me of his true purpose.

"I have approved and signed your commission papers, Dietrich. Let me be the first to offer you congratulations on your success," he said crisply.

I closed my eyes briefly and my body slumped slightly. A feeling of relief and joy surged through me. I had survived the last nine months and would now graduate with my class. My trial was over at last and I had succeeded against all odds.

I forced myself to recover. I would savor the moment later.

"Thank you. Sir." I forced myself to recover my composure stare straight ahead, not making eye contact with him.

"Thank you, Sir," I repeated. "You spent a significant amount of time with me over the last several months. I greatly appreciated your efforts and support. I learned more from you than I did from any course or professor."

Schnass gave me a slight nod. I knew him well enough to tell that he was pleased with my acknowledgement.

"You developed into an excellent student, Dietrich. You were eager to learn, listened well and applied your knowledge in a deadly and efficient manner. It was my pleasure to instruct you. It would have been a shame to have your talents and abilities lost to Germany."

He was silent for a few moments before continuing.

"I feel under obligation to inform you that I had serious doubts that you would make it to this moment," he said frankly.

"It is with the upmost pleasure for me to say that I'm happy to have disappointed you, Herr Kommandant," I said with a wry grin, still looking straight ahead.

"My standing?"

"Fourth," Schnass said confirming my fears. "You have nothing to be ashamed or disappointed in, Dietrich. It is a very high standing for any class. You had much you needed to overcome, academically and emotionally."

Schnass said nothing for several minutes.

"I want you to assure you, Dietrich, that you earned your commission on your own merits. It was never bought by your father's influence or money."

I felt the euphoria begin to deflate as soon as Schnass mentioned my father. As much as Schnass had assured me otherwise, I would always have the nagging doubt that my commission had not been earned through hard work, but purchased instead.

It would be something that those around me would never let me forget. Why should they? I would never be able to forget it myself. Even while I had complete confidence in my abilities as an officer, I also knew that the same shadow of doubt would linger with others.

It would always be necessary for me to prove myself.

"Forgive me, but I have taken the liberty of notifying your father regarding the good news. Erich has already confirmed that he and your family will attend the graduation ceremony."

I was relieved that Schnass had notified my father and not me. I still was not ready to contact my father. My promise to Irene was only a few hours old, and I was incapable of fulfilling it so soon.

Schnass eyes studied my face closely.

"There is something within you, an inner strength and determination that you now demonstrate. I never saw these traits in all the previous years I have known you. I believe they will prove you well in combat. It is something different that even your father doesn't possess."

Schnass paused a moment before continuing.

"No doubt your integrity will be put to the test in the not so distant future. How you persevere in those moments will truly show your character as a soldier and as a man.

"I am not the only who has noticed your strong potential. There are several senior officers have their eyes on you and will be following your career. Herr Oberstleutnant Rommel was impressed with you and trust me, he does not impress easily."

I was surprised at his next words.

"I can make arrangements for you to return here in a staff role in a few years, if you should desire to do so. I believe you have much to offer the Academy and its cadets. It would also provide me additional time to work with you and to develop you further. I haven't even begun to scratch the surface with what I could teach you. It would prime you for a high level staff position in the future."

I answered without hesitating. There was no doubt in my mind what I envisioned for my career in the future.

"Thank you for the opportunity, Sir. You and the Academy has more than served its purpose by providing me with an excellent academic education and military training. However, I belong on the battlefield and not in a staff position."

"Yes, Dietrich, I must agree with you. While I believe you would make an excellent staff officer, your strength will be in the field. You are very much like Erich in this regard.

"I want you to feel free to contact me if you should need anything in the future. This is something that I do not offer lightly and not just to any cadet. I would welcome the opportunity of working closely with you again."

"I will do so, Sir. I plan on maintaining contact with both you and the Academy. I very much look forward to learning more from you over the years."

"Once again, congratulations Dietrich."

I slumped against the wall outside of Schnass' office, emotionally exhausted. I offered up a quick prayer of gratitude for achieving this moment.

A surge of elation went through me again. Yes, I had made it. I left at a run to inform my friends of the good news.


	16. 25 Mai - 29 Mai 1934

I remembered little of my final week. Classes had concluded the previous week for graduating seniors. Our days had mostly been filled with festivities and celebrations. I had already packed my personal belongings and cleaned my quarters. When I returned from my Middle Eastern trip, I would be reporting to my first duty station.

I was still fulfilling my obligation to Kohl. I probably could have brushed it aside without any consequences now that Schnass had approved my commission. However, I could not do that in good conscious. I believed I still owed the obligation to Schnass and Kohl. I would have fulfilled my commitment to them only when I had actually graduated.

The cadets were still actively using the stables their last few days. The last person I expected to see riding was Matthias. When I jokingly asked him why he was still anywhere near horses, he laughed it off and replied that it was because he was a glutton for punishment.

It was Mia, though, who had the last laugh with Matthias.

I could hear the crack from across the arena. Matthias was sprawled on the ground clutching his leg. Mia, the same mischievous mare who had taken such a delight in tormenting him these last four years, was dancing around him, held on a short rein by a stable boy.

Kohl immediately surmised the situation and walked over to where Matthias was writhing on the ground.

"Ach! I told you, Herr Walther, never to stand behind a horse, especially one the likes of Mia. You know she doesn't care for it and especially doesn't care for you. And now look how it has ended up." Kohl quickly began examining the mare, running his hands down her near hind leg.

"I'll need to have the farrier come round to inspect her. The mare will probably need to be reshod three weeks early. Kommandant Schnass is not going to be happy at the unexpected cost. It is not in the budget."

"Forget the mare. What about my leg?" Matthias asked incredulously, obviously in a lot of pain. Even from my inexperienced eyes I could tell his leg was severely broken.

"Your leg? Well, we probably should have a look at it." Kohl knelt down beside Matthias, examining his leg. He shook his head. "No, I would say it doesn't look good. I hope you're not planning on dancing at your graduation celebration. If I had to hazard a guess I would say that your leg is broken. I'd have to shoot you if you were a horse," he said with a strong laugh, not receiving one in turn from Matthias.

"Well, now," Kohl said suddenly becoming serious. "Young Dietrich, would you ring the Infirmary from my office and notify them that you will be bringing up Herr Walther? Be prepared to take him to hospital after the doctor examines him. I don't believe the doctor in the Infirmary will want to mess with this one."

It took me only a few minutes to reach Kohl's office and inform the Infirmary of the incident. They were rather blasé about the seriousness of Matthias' broken leg, believing I had overstated the damage. The Infirmary was all too used to dealing with broken limbs from accidents. It seemed that there was always some cadet who was falling off a brick wall or injured from playing sports too roughly.

I had just ended the call when I noticed him.

Through the open office door, I saw Meyer enter the side tack room. It was a narrow, dark and dusty room with no windows. Meyer must have been running late and had just arrived to saddle his horse. He was gathering his tack from the back of the tack room, unable to see me.

I silently walked up to the tack room. I quickly shut the door and bolted it, trapping Meyer inside.

The effect was instantaneous.

I could hear him drop the tack and rush to the door. Immediately, he began to struggle and scream, but his voice was muffled through the heavy door.

Even though only a few seconds had passed, I could hear him already losing the ability to control the edge of panic in his voice.

I softly rapped on the door, which ceased his struggles.

"Meyer, do you hear me?" I said quietly, just loudly enough for him to hear me.

"Dietrich, let me out!"

I said nothing.

"I said, let me out!" He was now screeching, his Saxon accent making him difficult to understand.

When I did reply, my voice was cold and emotionless.

"Meyer, I want you to take the next few hours to reflect on what you have done to others during your sordid life. I especially want you to consider how you used Krystyna and what you did to her." I paused for a moment before I made him a promise. "Your current situation will appear mild if you should ever cross me or those near me again."

Vile curses emitted from behind the door. I left without giving a moment's thought about his well-being.

As I returned to the riding arena, I calmly assessed that Meyer would not be found for almost two hours. Kohl would quickly refocus the remaining cadets once Matthias and I left for the Infirmary. No one would be inside the building. It was highly unlikely that Meyer would be missed.

By the time Meyer was discovered, he would be almost catatonic from the severe claustrophobia which afflicted him.

No one else was involved, there were no witnesses and I had an alibi. I had seen the opportunity, evaluated the risk and had used it to my advantage.

Matthias was already in the stable's truck when I returned from Kohl's office.

"Now the rest of you cadets, the excitement is over," admonished Kohl. "Back to business. You haven't graduated yet and I can still fail anyone of you."

It was as Kohl had predicted. The ancient doctor took one look at Matthias and shook his head. He could easily set basic broken bones, but nothing to this extent. The mare had done her damage too well and the leg was broken in several places.

No, Matthias would need a specialist to deal with the break. I was immediately tasked with the job of taking Matthias to the hospital.

It took several hours for the hospital to treat his leg. After an exhausting day, it was early in the evening when I finally returned to the Academy without Matthias. He would need to stay in the hospital for the next few days to ensure his leg set properly.

Ellery approached me as when he saw me entering my room. I could feel my pulse increase, my breathing become faster. I calmed myself, controlling both of them, putting on my most tired face.

"You missed all the excitement, Hans."

"And what was the excitement, Ellery? I am already aware of Matthias' accident," I said crossly. "I was the one who took him to the hospital and have spent most of the day with him there."

Ellery looked at me surprised, as if it should be obvious. "No, not that."

"Look, it's been a long day and I've nothing to eat since dinner," I said crossly. "Just tell me so that I may go to bed."

"You really don't know, do you?"

"How could I know when I haven't been here?" Even though I was very much aware of what Ellery would soon tell me, I was becoming frustrated with him.

"It is regarding Meyer."

"What about Meyer?"

"We found Meyer in the in the side tack room this afternoon."

"Found? Isn't he rather old to be playing hide and seek?"

"It amazes me, Hans, how someone so smart, can be so dense at times. Meyer was trapped there, not hiding, for a couple of hours."

"Trapped? A likely story," I snorted. "How could Meyer become trapped in the tack room? He probably just wanted to take a nap and it was a quiet place for which him to do so. It serves him right that he was caught when he tried to avoid Kohl's class."

"But it couldn't have been that way. The door was bolted from the outside. We found him when several of us went to return our tack. What a poor state he was in! It turns out that Meyer suffers from severe claustrophobia."

Ellery shook his head in disbelief.

"Who would have imagined that being locked in a room would be so traumatic for a man? You should have smelled the stink when we opened the door. I didn't know that much shit and piss could come from one man. Meyer was actually whimpering when we carried him out. I don't believe he will ever be the same."

"Meyer is one of those individuals who will always recover. I would not put it past him to be play acting so he can have no duty the next few days." I turned to leave when he caught my arm, stopping me.

"You're rather non-pulsed by this, Hans."

"Why should I be anything else?" I countered. "You are aware that I do not care for Meyer. No one does."

"I'm very much aware of that and that is why I'm forced to wonder about the entire incident. I don't know how you managed it, but I believe you were somehow behind Meyer's entrapment.

"Even though you've never provided any details, I've always suspected that it was Meyer who informed on you regarding the prank. I also believe he altered your work to make it explode on Janning. Mind you, I don't fault you in the least for getting even with him. Meyer cost you much over the last seven months."

My face was blank as Ellery intently studied it.

"Hans, did you lock him in the tack room? I'm asking you not only as your friend, but also as one who was involved in the prank."

I looked at Ellery, my eyes locking with his. I perceived Ellery's fortitude begin to falter, before it finally failed against mine. "At times, Ellery, it is best for one not to ask too many questions in life."

Without saying another word, I looked down at his hand, which was still preventing me from leaving. Ellery slowly released me. A look of respect crossed his face.

"Hans, I never realized it before, but I now recognize that you can be a very dangerous man if crossed. You need not worry about me knowing about you episode with Meyer. It is something I will never discuss with you again nor tell anyone else."

Nothing ever came from the incident with Meyer. If Schnass suspected me of the deed, he never acted upon his suspicions. I was not even questioned about the episode. Schnass might not have wanted to give me a hint that it was Meyer who had originally informed on me. Either that, or Schnass allowed me the sweetness of my revenge.

I always believed it was the latter.

Meyer never approached me regarding it, either. A part of me wondered if he remembered anything due to the trauma he had experienced. But then again, men like Meyer never forgot a slight against them not matter its magnitude. Meyer was one of those dark characters who never met a grudge he couldn't hold. I knew I had added fuel to the fire regarding my dispute with Meyer.

Ellery was as good as his word. He never mentioned the occurrence to me again, not even when he was falling down drunk. And trust me, I saw him in that state many times over the years. Ellery maintained my confidence down to the two times I witnessed his death.

The day before graduation, I made my rounds to visit several of my favorite professors. I wanted to say good-bye and thank them for all their support during the last four years.

I should have made the attempt to visit Janning, but I seriously doubted he would have received me.

I was surprised to see Heidemann packing his office when I called upon him.

"Professor, are you also leaving the Academy?"

"Yes," Heidemann said. He motioned me to a chair that for once, was not covered with books. His answer surprised me. "I will be here through the graduation ceremony. My train will depart later that evening and my ship sails early the next morning for the United States."

"When will you be returning to Germany?"

"I will not be returning. I am leaving Germany permanently."

I sat there in stunned silence, words escaping me.

"I have been forced to submit my resignation. It seems that I am no longer useful to Germany or to this learning institution." Heidemann's voice barely hid his anger.

I could not comprehend his response. Heidemann was a senior professor, highly thought of in academic circles with impeccable credentials. Several other prominent universities had actively attempted to recruit him over the years, but he had preferred to remain here at the Academy.

"But I don't understand…"

"I was forced to resign for the idiotic reason that my wife is Jewish," Heidemann said incredulously. "The Nazis are concerned that being married to a Jewish woman will impact my ability to lecture and teach Germany's finest young officers. Apparently, I might influence them with impure thoughts and desires for Jewish women. So after almost twenty years, I am no longer considered useful and must leave my teaching post here."

"The Kommandant had no influence to prevent it?"

"It is because of Schnass that I was even here this year. He was able to delay my forced resignation until my immigration papers and visa could be arranged. I have already accepted a position at Princeton University."

"I am truly sorry, Professor, to hear of this. It is not right and makes no sense."

"No, it doesn't." Heidemann paused before continuing. "It will only become worse, Dietrich, now that the Nazis have consolidated their power. My family is fortunate to be able to escape early. Others will not be so fortunate when the noose tightens further. This is only the beginning. Who knows how it will be next year or five years from now? My instinct tells me it will be worse."

I looked at his face, seeing the anger, bitterness and finally, resignation clearly written across it.

"Dietrich, we received our immigration papers and visas only due to your father's involvement. Schnass asked him to intervene with his contacts in the American embassy. American visas are currently almost impossible to obtain. Your father was able to expedite the request and arrange for the teaching position. A premonition tells me that your father has saved our lives. My family and I will always be grateful for what he did for us."

"I was unaware my father had so much influence." The word 'unaware' was an understatement. Shock would have more aptly described my thoughts.

"Yes, he has more power than any of us realize."

Heidemann's next words were foreboding. "Dietrich, there will be nothing but tragedy awaiting those who don't escape now."

"Escape? That seems like an overly dramatic word to use."

"There is no other word to use. The Nazi's have clearly written their intent on the wall. Unfortunately, my wife's family refuses to accept this reality and leave. They don't believe anything will happen if only the Jews will follow the ever increasing mandates. I pray to God they are right."

"I am sorry," I repeated. "It shouldn't be this way."

"Don't be, Dietrich. All of us, my wife, my two sons and I, will be safe in America. The teaching position is excellent. I will have the opportunity to perform more research than I was able to accomplish here. America will offer us the future that Nazi Germany took away from us.

"Visit me, Dietrich, the next time you are in America. I will be interested to see how you and your career are progressing"

"I promise to visit you, Professor. I'm planning on traveling there within the next few years."

"I hope that you do. But a war is coming soon and you will be caught up in it. I pray for God to have mercy on all us, and especially on Germany and on you."

I slowly left the building and began walking towards the stables, lost in thought. The reason for Heidemann's departure had impacted me greatly. The Academy, and Germany for that matter, would feel the loss of a good man. And all for the nonsense because he was married to a Jewish woman.

Germany was throwing away its potential in the name of ideology while the United States was accepting without any qualms.

The stables were quiet when I arrived, the horses already put up for the evening. I walked through patting some of my favorite ones, slipping them a few sprigs of hay. I even visited Mia, looking into her mild, dark eyes, wondering what was behind them.

I made my way to Kohl's office, passing the side tack room without another thought.

I found Kohl alone in his office, as if he was waiting for me.

"Ah, Young Dietrich. Have you come to say good bye or for a drink?"

"Perhaps both," I said with a laugh.

"Well, I can offer you one, but not the other."

I looked at Kohl puzzled, not understanding his words. His response was to open a drawer and once again pull out the whiskey bottle and two glasses. He poured a few measures into both, and we quickly drank them. As he had done before, he refilled the glasses without pausing. Kohl, I thought with a grin, would make an excellent drinking partner.

We touched the glasses and downed them again. The whiskey was beginning to warm my insides. I decided I could quite happily stay here the remainder of the day, drinking and talking with Kohl.

"I take it that since you offered me the drink, you will not offer me a good bye."

It wasn't until Kohl had refilled our glasses for the third time that he finally spoke.

"I've never been one much for good-byes, Young Dietrich. Besides, it wouldn't really be a good bye. You'll be seeing me around enough in the future. I finally accepted your father's offer to work for him."

"And what after all these years and all of his offers changed your mind?"

"I finally couldn't pass up the opportunity of reporting to your father again. I guess my old habits, even after almost twenty years, are hard to break. Besides, you won't be around and someone must watch out for the old fool now that he's getting older."

Kohl gave a half-hearted smile.

"I only stayed here the last four years to see you graduate. I wanted to see one more Dietrich pass through here before I go to meet my Maker. Perhaps the good Lord will see me fit enough to ride with your son someday. Then, I would have ridden with four generations of Dietrichs." His eyes looked misty for a moment. "Ah, to be young again with one's entire life ahead of you."

"I appreciated your support, Kohl, especially during the last year. But really, what is your main reason for leaving? I believe it is something more than what you are stating."

Kohl signed heavily.

"Young Dietrich, I can't in good conscious assist in developing soldiers for the Nazi war machine when it will eventually chew them up and spit them back out into pieces. I'm too old for a second world war. I don't want to see the broken bodies of fine young men, especially those I trained. And mark my words, the next war will be worse than the last."

"Why do you say that? How could it possibly be any worse?"

"Because Germany doesn't believe it lost the last time. The surrender was all due to the fault of others, according to the Nazis. Germany will now raise the stakes to ensure that it wins the next war. This will mean even more bloodshed and devastation. I am truly sorry you will probably be a part of it."

Kohl's eyes searched my face intently before he continued.

"I believe, though, that you will be a fine officer, Young Dietrich, the equal if not the better, of your father. You will serve Germany and your men well. I will be surprised if I don't hear of your accomplishments on the battlefield."

His words regarding an upcoming war were heavy on the air. As much as I wanted to refute them, I was beginning to hear them more and more frequently and believe that they were true. I could only pray that I would take care of my men and achieve the success in combat that Kohl was envisioning.

"Then instead of goodbye, it is hello, Kohl," I said lightly, to remove the seriousness from the conversation. "I look forward to sharing several drinks with you when I'm home on leave."

"Until I drink with you again in Coburg, Young Dietrich," Kohl offered as a toast. He raised his glass. "I promise I will have the whiskey waiting for you."

We downed a final round Kohl. We embraced awkwardly and I left for the final time.

I suddenly felt alone. First Heidemann, then Kohl. Within the space of an hour I had discovered that two good men were resigning from the profession I was now entering.

Doubt quickly entered and flirted across my mind concerning regarding the Nazis and where they were leading Germany. I tried to place these concerns aside, but was unable to do so at this moment. I instead focused on how the Nazis would once again lead Germany to regain its previous glory after the disastrous World War.

I had never talked politics with my father, but I had the sudden urge to do so at this moment. I wanted to hear his thoughts, his views on the future and especially, his predictions for the upcoming war.

A sudden sad, realization flashed inside of me: I knew I could never be the man my father was. He had prevented Schnass from committing suicide, saved Kohl's life when in the trenches, and was probably saving Heidemann and his family from a dark fate. How could I possibly ever measure up to someone such as him? Either on or off the battlefield?

I slowly began walking back to my room. At this time tomorrow, I would be wearing the Nazi swastika and eagle upon my breast, after having sworn my allegiance to the Fuhrer.

I would be a part of the Nazi war machine, the one Kohl had referenced with disdain. It was a machine I inwardly prayed that would never be awakened. What acts would I be ordered to do in its name? Would I be ordered to perform crimes against civilians and soldiers, to serve its glory?

I forced these doubts aside. It was too late.


	17. 30 Mai 1934

I woke early to witness the dawn on the morning of my graduation. My early mornings were a habit I was falling into when I wanted to reflect about my life and the events surrounding me. As a young man, I had always preferred sleeping in as late as possible, but my preferences had willingly changed as I grew older.

The rising sun drew me to its simple majesty, allowing me to gather my thoughts undisturbed. The quiet and solitude was peaceful away from the constant frenzy and haste of the Academy.

Today, more than any other day, I wanted to greet the dawn. I wanted to embrace what it would bring me on this special day and what it would promise me for the remainder of my life. I wanted to take a moment to celebrate my difficult but satisfying achievement. As it gradually became lighter around me, my thoughts were focused on the future.

I knew that a part of my life was ending, but a new one was beginning. I had received a superb education along with excellent military skills. They would be the foundation for me to develop a successful career in the peacetime German army.

The true test of my professional capabilities would be on the battlefield, in combat against the enemies of the Reich. While I did not seek combat and what accompanied it, neither would I avoid it. I had heard of the strong possibility of an imminent war since I was a child, but I had always placed these talks aside as not plausible.

I had truly believed that no country, let alone Germany, would desire the death and mayhem that another world conflict would bring. While I would relish the tactical game of my skills against those of the enemy, I did not want to envision the destruction that would accompany it. I realized that I had been naïve.

My thoughts gradually returned to the present and I reflected on the last few days. The first sliver of the sun finally became visible in the distance and the sky began bursting into color. I knew it was time for me to leave. It was time for me to face the first day of my future.

The chain of events had already been set in motion and could not be altered.

I slowly returned to my room to prepare for the day. The grounds were gradually coming alive with cadets. Doors were slamming and playful seniors were anticipating the remainder of the day. When I finally reached my room, I immediately looked for a note from Schnass from force of habit. Of course, there was none. All that greeted me were my belongings packed and ready to be shipped home. I would be leaving shortly and would not be returning.

I meticulously donned my dress uniform. I checked myself carefully in the mirror ensuring that everything was perfect. Today of all days, I wanted nothing out of place.

One could feel the tightly controlled excitement as we solemnly marched into the arena, Matthias in a wheelchair due to his broken leg. We were all bursting at the seams as we forced ourselves to sit quietly through the ceremony.

I, as everyone else, was caught up in the ceremony and the hope and promise that was being presented to us.

It was at that very moment, I swore an oath of honor to Nazi Germany. I sold my soul to serve it and if necessary, willingly give my life to ensure it prevailed.

We burst into cheers and jubilation when the ceremony concluded, throwing our covers into the air. I cheered as loudly as any of the others, all sense of restraint and decorum forgotten. What I had earned now could never be taken away from me.

The joyous chaos was gradually brought under control and we eventually began filing out of the arena to enjoy our accomplishment and new freedom. We were milling around, laughing and blatantly lighting cigarettes, defiant of regulations.

Somehow, my family found me among the sea of cadets. Though Schnass had informed me that they would attend, I was still surprised to see them.

Liesl rushed to me, throwing her arms around my neck in joy.

"Oh, Hans! I knew you would do it," she said gushing. "Old Ebenezer could never have denied you from graduating. You are much too handsome!"

"I would prefer to believe that I graduated due to my intelligence and hard work rather than my dashing good looks," I playfully rebuked her as I hugged her, basking in her exuberance.

My mother approached me next, always the aristocrat, stately and reserved.

"Hans, my dear. We are all so proud of you," my mother said warmly as she elegantly kissed both my cheeks. "You are a worthy successor to the Dietrich military heritage."

It was then I saw my father. I wanted to approach him, but found no courage to do so. Instead, it was my father who came to me.

"Congratulations, Hans," he said simply with a nod. My father gave me a brief, stiff embrace. My arms slowly went around him, returning the gesture. I held the embrace, sensing the man's calm inner strength though my sharp tension.

"Thank you, Sir, for attending my graduation," I finally was able to say softly. "Words cannot begin to describe how much it means to me."

It was my father who broke the embrace.

I stood in front of him, filled with turmoil. It was now time to bring honor to the oath I had sworn a few scant minutes ago.

Yet I remained silent.

My oath and graduation embodied my willingness and ability to withstand combat on the battlefield. Why did I lack the same bravery to face my father and do what was necessary?

I forced myself to gather my courage and began apologizing to him in a soft voice.

"Sir, I would like to offer. . ."

As if from a distance, I could vaguely hear Liesl's voice, interrupting me.

"Hans! I'm speaking to you! You haven't heard a word I've said."

My thoughts and fortitude scattered.

"Yes, Liesl?" I asked, turning to her, breaking my gaze with my father.

"I said, why are all the cadets rushing away? They've barely had time to savor their graduation. I was hoping you would introduce me to a few. There are several that are even more handsome than you," she added with a twinkle in her eye.

"I know them all too well for me to inflict you upon any to any of them, my dear Liesl. Besides, God help them, they would never be able to handle your fire," I gave her a wicked smile.

"You're right. I doubt any one of them would be able to keep up with me." I could only look at her with a surprised look on my face. I always thought of Liesl as my younger sister. I especially did not view her as an attractive woman away at college with men. The same men wanting to get to know her better, in more ways than one.

"They are on their way to be married," my mother explained, without hearing Liesl's suggestive words. "Now that they have graduated and are no longer cadets, they are free to be married. Many rush off to do so as soon as the graduation ceremony concludes."

"It could have been you rushing off to be married, Hans," Liesl joked, elbowing me roughly in the side.

"No, it could not have been," I responded firmly, looking after them.

Liesl looked at me suddenly, likely wondering what secrets about me that she did not know. My thoughts went to Krystyna.

Her baby probably would have been born by now. That meant Meyer was a father, a term I used in only the loosest sense of the word. I could not imagine Meyer being anything remotely like a father to any child.

I briefly prayed for their child to be adopted by a loving Swedish family and would never have the misfortune to know Meyer. He was a poison that no innocent child should ever come in contact with.

I also offered up a prayer for Krystyna. I asked God for her to be truly happy and to begin a new life in Sweden. Meyer had not been the right man for her, but neither had been I.

"No, it could not have been," I repeated, "Now is not the time for me."

Off to the side I noticed Meyer opening leering at Liesl. I placed my arm protectively around Liesl, gently moving her away before she could notice his boorish behavior. As much as I would have liked to do so, now was not the moment for me to confront Meyer with Liesl and my family in such close proximity.

He was undressing her with his eyes, even though he realized I was aware of his stares. I returned his hard stare, not wavering in the least. Meyer openly laughed in return, continuing his blatant ogling. Then his face suddenly became hard, the laugh instantly disappearing. He brought up his had as if it contained a weapon. He aimed his hand at me and made the motion of pulling the trigger, his eyes boring into me.

Any doubts I had of Meyer not remembering me locking him in the tack room instantly vanished.

The German army was a relatively small institution. I knew my path would eventually cross with Meyer's again. It was only a question of time before Meyer would act despite the warning I had given him.

My mother's soft voice broke the tense moment.

"We should be leaving soon, Hans. We are staying at the Augusta Platz and have reservations for an early supper at its French restaurant. I remembered how much you enjoy French food, Hans, and it's not to be matched anywhere outside of France."

I gave her a warm smile. I would have been shocked for her to stay anywhere else when in Berlin except for the city's most exclusive hotel.

"Would you be so kind, Hans?"

I immediately offered her my arm, and we departed, my father escorting Liesl. I vowed to myself that I would apologize to my father later this evening when an opportunity presented itself.

I had not had the pleasure of dining at the Augusta Platz for quite some time. The food was elegant, more superb than what I remembered. My father was very generous with the champagne and ordered several bottles for us to enjoy.

He appeared to be very out of place among the fine china and delicate stemware. As for my mother, it was as if she had always belonged here, speaking in her impeccable French. Liesl was no longer the gangly young girl, she was now more of a woman than I cared to admit. I noticed several men gazing at her trim figure and attractive features.

When my mother and sister arose to leave, my father surprised me by requesting me to remain.

"Hans, would you care to join me in the bar for a few drinks while the ladies retire upstairs?"

I was surprised, and slightly apprehensive, at his offer. I didn't know what to expect from him when the two of us would be alone. Until this moment, my mother and sister had been with us, forcing us to avoid a confrontation. I had truly had a wonderful day and did not want it to end uncomfortably. This would, however, provide me the privacy I was seeking to ask for forgiveness from him. It took me a few seconds to find my voice.

"Sir, I would very much enjoy doing so."

As my mother turned to leave, she gave me a strong wink to put me at ease.

The bar suited my father much more than the dining room. The smoke filled room was clearly masculine with its dark, heavy wooden panels and there were no women present. The bar was already loud when we entered and steadily grew more so as the evening progressed.

It was the first time I had ever shared a drink with my father, although it would not be the last. I ordered a Jack Daniels and threw it back quickly in a single take to calm my nerves, placing the empty glass on the bar.

My father viewed my polished action with a single raised eyebrow. He ordered me a refill which I also quickly drank.

Now was the perfect moment for me to apologize. We were alone with no witnesses, and I had a few drinks inside of me for fortification. My entire focus was on my father, the room surrounding around us fading into the background.

"Sir, I would like to. . ."

"Erich! What brings you to Berlin?" asked a man loudly who had seemly appeared from nowhere, stepping between us and eagerly shaking my father's hand. "I haven't seen you in ages. Are you thinking of ending your retirement and rejoining the military?"

"Not in the least, Otto," my father laughed lightly. "My son graduated from the Academy today and received his commission," he said with obvious pride, indicating me with a nod. "I am much too old to consider re-entering the service. It is time to pass the torch on to the next generation."

"You cannot possibly be Hans," said the man eyeing my tall frame. "Where has the time flown for you to already be graduating and becoming a man? Let me buy you a drink and I will tell you what it was like to serve in the good old days." Before I could say a word, he firmly led me by the arm away from my father.

The man was one of several men my father knew in the bar. My father was constantly approached, men expressing how good it was to see him in Berlin again, asking about his future plans. Several asked for his opinion regarding the political climate. My father dismissed these questions stating that today was not the day to discuss politics. He was in Berlin to celebrate the graduation of his son. He was quick to maintain to all that I should be the focal point and not him.

I made several attempts to apologize to my father, but was prevented from doing so on each occasion. I was constantly interrupted or someone would approach us, pulling one of us away. I found myself becoming more frustrated and angrier after each failed attempt. After living in shame for seven months, I had finally found the courage to express my regret and I was continually prevented from doing so.

I knew my anger was misplaced: I should be angry at myself instead of at the others. I should have apologized to him months ago when the confrontation had occurred. My father deserved much more than what I had attempted to give him.

Several rounds of drinks were purchased for me and it wasn't long before I began to feel the impact from the heavy drinking. With consuming all the drinks in the bar on top of the champagne, I was beginning to feel extremely tight. I had not received much sleep the night before which only deteriorated my sobriety further. I couldn't stop thinking how the bar area was becoming warmer as the evening wore on.

My father showed little to no effects as a result of his extensive drinking. The only impact I noticed to him was that he was beginning to speak in a slightly louder voice. He and his friends were enjoying telling me what it was like when they graduated from the Academy and their numerous war stories, each attempting to top the other.

The bar area had become very crowded and it became even more of an effort to approach my father. Finally, I saw another opportunity and immediately went to him, determined to apologize this time before my resolution departed. It was at that moment my father discreetly slipped me a thick envelope. It was not hard to determine that it contained a significant amount of currency.

I stared down at it, not knowing what to say. I looked up at my father, finally able to form some words.

"Sir, thank you for the generous gift. It is very considerate of you and mother. I can honestly say that I do not deserve it." I paused for a moment and again gathered my courage. "May I have a moment in private with you?" A puzzled look crossed his face.

"Of course, Hans. Why don't we step into the side room?"

It took us only a few steps to reach the side room. I immediately closed the doors behind us, finally gaining the privacy I had been seeking for several hours.

The side room was much cooler and more comfortable, but I could feel my face flush due to my embarrassment. My awkwardness was exasperated by the excessive amounts of alcohol I had consumed over the last several hours.

"Hans?" my father prompted.

I began to speak rapidly, desperately wanting to utter the words I had held inside me for the last seven months.

"Sir, I …

A friend of my father's suddenly burst into the room followed by several others. My angry glare was completely lost on them. I did not even have the opportunity to request, or rather demand, a moment of privacy before the intruder began speaking loudly.

"Erich and Hans! There you are! We've been looking all over for you. The bar will be closing soon. We will need to order quickly if we're going to have a final drink."

"Hans, let's enjoy a final drink to celebrate a memorable day. We can finish our conversation another time." Defeated and disappointed with myself, I followed him from the side room, returning to the bar.

My father motioned for the bartender to bring all of us a fresh round of drinks. He then motioned for his friends to give him silence.

"I would like to honor you with a toast, Hans."

I had never received such an honor from him before. Given my poor behavior towards him over the years and especially in October, it was a respect that I did not deserve.

My promise to Irene flashed across my mind. I stood there facing him, unable to fulfill my promise to her and dishonoring my recent oath. My father's words from October echoed in my mind: I was not fit to be his son, to be a German officer, nor be a man.

My resolve completely crumbled and I felt like an unmitigated failure.

How could I face the enemy in combat if I was unable to face my father, the man who I should be able to approach for anything? My father appeared to have already placed our argument behind him, but I was unable to do so.

I knew now that I would not be able to fulfill my promise to Irene. I had lost the opportunity, several opportunities, to apologize and would never have the courage to face my father again. With the expected upcoming war, there was a strong likelihood that I would be killed and my promise would never honored. It was over before it even began.

I found myself facing my father and his friends, their faces showing their pride and happiness for me. I could only stammer.

"I. . . "

"Hans, is there something you would like to say? I have the distinct impression that you've been trying to say something all evening," my father directly asked me.

"Spit it out, Hans!" called out someone. "Now is not the time to be shy! You're a Dietrich. Dietrichs are not shy, especially not when it comes to the battlefield."

I was unable to speak the words that I must say, for the sake of being a man and for my character. I was a coward and did not deserve the honor he was about to bestow on me. No, I would never be the man my father was, on or off the battlefield.

I had no knowledge at the time, but I would not make peace with my father until over twelve years had passed. I would finally apologize to him on occupied German soil, when my body was broken and I was fighting for my life in an enemy field hospital.

I was brought back to the present. I was able to finally find my voice and say a few words.

"Sir, I gladly thank you for the honor," I responded with a gracious nod,

My father held up his drink and his friends followed suite. "Congratulations, Hans Erich, on your graduation from the finest military academy in Germany. May it be the foundation for a successful career and a remarkable future in the Wehrmacht."

My father's words were prophetic and I would never forget them.


	18. 13 Juli 1934 (ende)

My eyes snapped open. My father's words were mixed with those of the fortune-teller. I could hear her soft, strong voice telling me my future, the future I did not want to have, the one I did not want forced upon me. It could not be true, no, it could not.

I suddenly took off running, desperate to return quickly to the bar. I had to know if the woman was still there. I left my friends behind, not caring if they were following me.

I rushed into the bar, knocking against other patrons and disrupting the dancers. I hurried to the back table and pulled back the beaded privacy curtain, but the woman was no longer there.

The American redhead (God, how I wished she had been Irene at that moment), had left. The fortune-teller's first prediction had already come true in the space of a few minutes.

I stood there staring at the table, my chest heaving and my pulse racing. And suddenly I knew, oh, how I knew, it was all true and everything would pass as she had foretold.

My friends appeared a few moments later, pulling pieces from the loaves of bread tucked under their arms. When they saw the empty table and my flustered look, they began laughing loudly, their jests ringing in my ears.

"Has it been that long since you had a woman, Hans? Are your balls hanging that heavy, for you to need the American redhead that badly?"

I stared at them as if I was in a stupor, knowing all of their fates, barely hearing their words. I could not fathom all of the dead in the upcoming war: Albrecht – the quiet one who approached combat as an intellectual chess game; Christoph – the rock, the one who could always be counted on to be there when needed; Kurt – with his love of airplanes, already planning on joining the fledging Luftwaffe and…Ellery. The one who would experience the most tragic death.

How could they be fated to die? They were all so full of life and dreams for the future. And Ellery, for his death to be the most difficult? My God, was my fate to watch his agonizing death?

All of them were good men. Why hadn't Meyer been substituted in one of their places? I cursed at the injustice. Meyer would never be even a tenth of their worth.

And yet as I knew my friends would perish in the war, my instinct coolly informed me that Meyer would survive.

It crossed my mind that Matthias had neatly cheated his fate. Perhaps Matthias should thank Mia for her mean spirited deed. Breaking his leg had prevented him from joining us on our trip. Or did the fortune-teller have something special planned for Matthias? And that his fate would still be tied with mine?

I grabbed a drink from the tray of a passing server. I cared nothing about what it contained. I needed something, anything at this moment to numb my pain. The waiter started to protest, but thought better once he saw my dark face. I quickly ordered him to bring me the bottle. Single drinks would not suffice for me at this time.

I felt a cold anger towards the fortune-teller. I had not asked nor wanted any of her prophecy. I did not want the responsibility that I had been forced to assume. Why me and not one of my friends or even Matthias? They were better men than I. Why was I to have this burden for the next several years or to the end of my life?

I found myself suddenly mature, grown up. The thought of doing foolish pranks for whatever asinine reason now seemed so immature and foreign. I felt responsibility towards my friends and the other soldiers I would lead into battle.

I suddenly felt at a loss. I had finally embraced and longed for my life as a soldier and it would all be for nothing. I now knew the rest of my life, but I did not know my journey to reach there.

Most of all, I thought of the American and how he would tie all of this together. Who was he and why would he want to save my life? I would be his enemy. And furthermore, why would I want to save his life? For a brief moment, I remembered Kohl's words about the enemy, but I forced them aside.

No, I could think of no reason why I would want to spare the American. He should have his fate on the battlefield and I should have mine. But then I realized, our fates had already been determined.

I wondered how long it would be: A year? Five years? Ten years? Ten years would make it 1944. I instinctively knew it would not be that long.

I would allow myself the luxury of getting drunk tonight to numb the overwhelming emotional pain I was experiencing. And tomorrow morning, when I became sober and accepted my fate, I would begin patiently waiting for the American.


	19. Epilogue – July 13, 1934

"Get your ass out of bed. What are you going to do, sleep half the day away?"

"Still dark," the half-sleeping man mumbled, turning over on his side away from his tormentor. "Leave me alone."

"I said, get your ass out of bed! Now, shake it!" With that, he reached for the mattress and upended it, throwing the man to the floor.

"Why did you do that?" The remote possibility of catching a few more minutes of sleep had evaporated as soon as he hit the hard floor.

"To get you moving. What makes you so special that you get to sleep in when the rest of us have to get up and work?"

"Who died and left you in charge?" countered the younger man, glaring up at his tormentor.

"Pop, that's who. You clearly aren't showing any responsibility or leadership in the family so that mean's I've had to step up to the plate. Maybe you should take an interest in this place and put some sweat into it instead of just thinking about yourself."

The other man started to argue, but soon thought better of it.

"What time is it?" he suddenly asked

"Past four-thirty. Mom and sis have already been up for almost an hour cooking breakfast for us and the hands. It's about time you stirred yourself and started working, too. All the work that needs to be done around here ain't going to get done on its own. I did take pity on you, though. I've already fed the stock."

He looked around the room. "It's a pigsty in here. And it smells like a brewery, too. What were you doing, drinking half the night?"

"Just about. Got home late from the Fair and I couldn't sleep. Tossed and turned all night. Thought I would have a few drinks to put me out."

"Oh, boo hoo hoo. Too many girls and cotton candy? Why don't you try a little hard work and sweat instead? That'll put you out sure enough."

"No, I guess it was the drinking that caused me to have a bad dream."

The older brother burst out laughing.

"You were scared by a bad dream? Now I've heard everything. You have bigger things to worry about in your life, like the Cavinaws."

"I'm telling you, the dream was so real. It was like I was actually living it or watching a movie of my life for the next fifteen years."

"So how many of those watered-down beers did you have before you had your vision of the future?" The older man tried to be serious, but couldn't contain himself from laughing again. "Do you have the wife and kids and the house with the white picket fence?"

"If you're going to make fun of me, I'm not going to tell you about it."

"Okay, I'll be serious."

He forced himself to have a dead-pan face, with only an occasional smirk breaking the seriousness. "Tell me, I'm listening."

"I dreamed there was going to be a war. And that I would be fighting in it."

"Is that what you're afraid of? Give me a break! Everyone knows that. The European politicians have everything so messed up over there again. They can never keep their shorts clean."

"America is going to be in it, too."

"That ain't going to happen. You and I both know that America won't be involved in any war over in Europe again. They can fight and die in their own European generated suicide next time. Even Pop said that before he died. Let them leave us out and let's stay out of it."

"Yeah, but it wasn't in Europe. I dreamed that I was fighting in the North African desert."

"Africa? Africa! Who's going to fight there in the desert? There's nothing in the desert to fight and die for. For what? A bunch of sand and rocks?"

"There's more. Looks like I would be fighting with a couple of other Americans, and also a Limey and a Kraut."

The other man stopped his teasing for a moment to contemplate this bit of information.

"That's an odd combination that doesn't go together: A Limey and a Kraut. Sorta like oil and water."

"That's what I thought, too. I would be fighting with one and against the other."

"That's not saying much. America had to kick the ass of one to save the ass of the other the last time."

"What was so odd was that I knew one of them would be waiting for me, expecting me there in the desert."

"Which one would you be fighting against and which one would be waiting for you? Was it the same man or someone different?"

"I didn't get that part. I was pretty sauced from the booze, but I knew that it was important for me to watch out for all of the men fighting with me, including this one enemy."

"Oh, this is too good!" burst out the man, laughing again. "Have you been reading comic books again? I thought you out grew them. Either that or you had a few more beers than you could remember."

"I wouldn't be laughing if I was you. You will be there, too. But fighting for the Limey's, in the air."

"That's proof right there that this is all nonsense. Why would I risk getting my ass shot off for those tea-swilling pansies? Not to mention that you've also forgotten the small fact that I'm scared of heights," said David, still laughing.

"I guess it is all pretty silly," admitted Sam, finally rising to his feet. He quickly pulled on some clothes and his boots, before he paused to think,

"Seemed real at the time, though. You remember what Red Hawk is always saying?"

"Not particularly and I would appreciate it if you didn't remind me."

"He always said that when you can't sleep, it's because you're awake in another man's dream."

"I told you not to tell me." David was becoming exasperated and rolled his eyes at his younger brother.

Sam paused to remember a particular part of his dream. "Feel sorry for sis, though."

"Please, I'm begging you to stop before I shoot one of us to put me out of my misery."

"But this was the most interesting part!"

"Alright! Enough already! I'll agree to listen to this last piece just to get you moving. Don't tell me that Bubs was mixed up in your fantasy-dream, too."

"Well, I hate to tell you, but she was. She ends up marrying one the guys fighting with me a couple of years after the war ends."

"She's only twelve! Give her a break! Boy, this dream is really a doozy. We could sell it to Hollywood and make a million bucks. All our money problems would be solved."

David paused to think for a moment and couldn't stop himself from commenting.

"Don't tell me it's the Limey or the Kraut she marries."

"I didn't get that part. Right when I was about to see his face you tumbled me out of bed. He was a tall drink of water, though, with dark hair."

"Well, that doesn't really narrow down the field of possibilities much. You've described about half the male population, here and in Europe. If your liquor infused dream comes true, Pop would be rolling over in his grave if it was one of those two."

"Yea, I don't know which one would be worse: The Limey or the Kraut."

 **ACKNOWLEDGEMENT**

Many thanks again to Susan, my beta reader, for her great assistance in helping me bring to life my story of Hauptmann Dietrich and the Rat Patrol.


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